第20章：奶奶 Dona
Chapter 20: Grandma Dona
一個月後，Andrea 和我結了婚。幾個月前，我的公司曾投標為阿拉斯加建造一棟訂製住宅的工程，婚後兩週，我與老闆便啟程前往阿拉斯加費爾班克斯，履行那一個月的合約。抵達之後，總承包商又要求我們為第二棟房子進行骨架施工，工程期限因此延長到兩個月，我們每天工作超過十小時，每週六天。
Andrea and I were married a month later. A few months earlier, my company had bid on a project to frame a custom home in Alaska, and two weeks after our wedding, my boss and I were off to Fairbanks, Alaska, to fulfill that one-month contract. After we arrived, the general contractor asked us to frame a second home, too, which stretched the job to two months. We worked over ten hours a day, six days a week.
我們那邊完全沒有手機訊號，所以每天結束工作後，我都會在旅館外利用公用電話與 Andrea 通話，通話時間通常維持三十分鐘到一小時，這是我在寒冷的阿拉斯加夜晚能忍受在戶外的極限。這些談話讓我漫長艱苦的工作日不那麼單調，儘管相隔遙遠，我們之間的感情卻因此日益親近。
There was no cell phone reception in our area, so at the end of each day, I would talk to Andrea on a pay phone outside our hotel. Our conversations would last as long as I could stand being outside in the cold Alaska evenings, usually between thirty minutes and an hour. Our conversations brightened the monotony of my long days. Despite the distance, we grew closer.
與 Andrea 分離對我來說是一種巨大的掙扎。再次，我覺得自己與無條件的愛隔絕，與快樂分離；我身處在一個遙遠、寒冷的地方，每天辛苦工作，苦苦維持著精神狀態。某種程度上，這感覺就像我又一次從死亡邊緣歸來。
Being away from Andrea was an enormous struggle. Once again, I felt cut off from unconditional love and separated from joy. I was far away from where I wanted to be, stuck in a remote, cold place working hard every day, and struggling to keep my spirits up. In some ways, it felt like I was coming back from the dead all over again.
儘管我多麼希望 Andrea 能與我同在，可我們嘗試讓她來阿拉斯加的每一條路徑最終都以死路一條告終。雖然那時令人心碎，但這段分離讓我們明白彼此之間有多麼重要 (Importance)，也幫助我們確保那些生活中微不足道的小問題不會阻礙我們的感情。
As much as I wished for Andrea to be with me, every avenue we explored to have her join me in Alaska led to a dead end. Though it was painful at the time, our time apart taught us how important we were to each other and helped us to make sure the little issues of life didn’t get in the way of our relationship.
我迫不及待地想回家，而在工程的最後三週，我們每天工作十二小時、一週七天。就在還剩一週時，Andrea 告訴我爸爸想和我談談，我們便約定了一個談話的時間。
I was anxious to get back home, and the last three weeks of the project we worked twelve-hour days, seven days a week. I had one week left when Andrea said that my dad wanted to discuss something with me. We arranged a time to talk.
爸爸問道：「阿拉斯加怎麼樣？我在那邊時超愛釣魚，你覺得那邊釣魚如何？」
“How’s Alaska?” he asked. “I loved the fishing when I was up there. How do you like the fishing?”
我回答：「哪有時間釣魚，我整天都在忙著工作。」
“There’s no time for fishing,” I said. “I’ve just been working the whole time.”
「哦，那真可惜。你在那邊可得找時間釣魚啊。」我仍在疑惑他打電話來的原因，「一切都好嗎？」
“Oh, that’s too bad. Try to do some fishing while you’re up there.” I was still wondering why he called. “Is everything okay?”
爸爸說：「我們都好，只是奶奶的健康狀況開始下滑，她對與你叔叔同住感到厭倦，而且變得非常固執。她真的很想搬回家住，但又怕獨自一人。你媽媽和我正在四處打聽，看是否有人能去幫助她度過生命的最後幾個月。你和 Andrea 願不願意陪奶奶住一段時間？我知道這要求不低，但這樣她就能夠回家了。」
“We’re fine,” he said. “But Grandma’s struggling. Her health is starting to wane. She’s tired of living with your uncle, and she’s getting really obstinate about it. She really wants to move back home to Afton, but she’d be all alone up there. Your mom and I are asking around to see if anyone could go and help her live out the last few months of her life. Would you and Andrea be willing to stay with her? I know that’s asking a lot, but it would allow her to go back home.”
這要求實在太重了。最後，我說：「我在這邊快結束了，很快就會回家，我會和 Andrea 好好商量這件事。」
It was a lot to ask. Finally, I said, “I’m almost done up here and will be back home soon. I’ll talk to Andrea about it.”
“我感激你，孩子。” “當然，爸爸，我愛你。” “我也愛你。”
“I appreciate it. Thanks, son.” “Sure thing. I love you, Dad.” “I love you, too.”
我立刻打電話給 Andrea，告訴她我與爸爸的談話，我們決定一同祈求指引。祈禱之後，我們都感受到內心的引導，似乎注定要在 Star Valley 與奶奶同住，無論那段日子需要多久。
I immediately called Andrea and told her about my conversation with my father. We decided to pray for guidance. When we did, we both felt guided to live with my grandmother in Star Valley for however long we were needed there.
我於十月中旬返回猶他州。Andrea 和我花了一週時間整理我們不多的私人物品，然後在萬聖節前數日驅車北上四小時，抵達 Afton。
I returned to Utah in the middle of October. Andrea and I spent a week packing up our few possessions, then drove four hours north to Afton a few days before Halloween.
奶奶 Dona 的老宅完全如我記憶中般迷人。這棟約佔兩千平方英呎的兩層磚造宅院，擁有四間臥室且無地下室，建於1950年代，也是奶奶幾乎一生婚姻期間的家。
Grandma Dona’s house was just as I remembered it. The two thousand square foot, two-story brick home had four bedrooms and no basement. It had been built in the 1950s and was where Grandma had lived for almost all of her married life.
我們將行李搬進屋內安頓下來。整棟房子散發出小屋的溫馨氣息——一樓房間覆以木質壁板，地上鋪著帶有復古風情的1970年代棕色毛絨地毯，並有淺深不一的色塊。供暖則來自一台燃油爐，安置在數十年前用來取代老舊木柴爐的位置上。
We carried our belongings inside and settled in. The house had a cabin feel; the downstairs rooms were covered in wood paneling. The carpet was vintage 1970s brown pile, with light and dark patches. It was heated by an oil burning stove that sat in the same spot as the wood burning stove it had replaced decades before.
當我們搬進去時，奶奶已是八十多歲高齡。她總是滿臉笑容，一頭烏白的頭髮盤起，以短小且定型的方式展示。她穿著幾乎全是七十年代風格的襯衫和聚酯長褲，只有星期天才會換上洋裝。奶奶在家中常穿浴袍，即使去買菜也不忘打扮得體。她聲音溫和寧靜，凡事都會驚呼「哦，我的天啊」。雖然開口說「我愛你」總感到困難，但她總用烘焙美食來表達對我們的愛意，特別是她那著名的雞肉麵湯和餅乾。
My grandmother was in her eighties when we moved in. She had a ready smile, framed by a full head of white hair done up in a short, roller- set style. Her wardrobe consisted almost entirely of seventies era button-up shirts and polyester slacks, with dresses for Sundays. She always wore a housecoat at home and dressed up to go to the grocery store. She had a kind, calm voice, and would say, “Oh, my word,” about everything. She had a hard time initiating the words “I love you,” but showed her love through her actions; usually by baking. She was famous for her chicken noodle soup and her cookies.
Andrea 幫助奶奶處理那些她已無法獨立完成的事情，包括烹飪、打掃、穿衣以及洗澡。因為工作關係，我很快就在建築業找到工作，常常因趕往工地與實際施工，每天離家逾十二小時。不過，我們仍會一同進晚餐，奶奶稱之為「晚餐」，那些共享的夜晚成了我最珍貴的記憶。
Andrea helped Grandma with tasks that she could no longer do herself. That included cooking, cleaning, dressing, and showering. I quickly found a job in construction, and between traveling to job sites and the actual work, I was often gone more than twelve hours a day. We always had dinner together, though. Grandma called it “supper.” Those evenings we had together are treasured memories.
小時候，我總覺得奶奶是那種嚴格的專制權威人物，總是要求我們在家脫鞋、勤洗手、把盤中食物吃得乾淨，還要幫爺爺做家務。但住進她家後，我看到她另一面的個性，了解到她曾擁有充滿抱負與成就的光輝人生。
Growing up, I always thought of my grandma as a strict authoritarian figure. She was always after us to do what we were supposed to: take off our shoes in the house, wash our hands, eat everything on our plate, and help Grandpa with his chores. Living with her now, though, I was able to see a different side of her personality. I learned that she had had a life full of aspirations and achievements.
奶奶是同卵雙生之一，她與姐姐 Dora 一生形影不離，無論做什麼都攜手共進。她們生於1918年，是在父親奔赴第一次世界大戰比利時與法國壕溝作戰後三個月降生。某個夜晚，奶奶向我和 Andrea 講起了她們出生那天的故事。
She was an identical twin, and she and her sister, Dora, had been best friends who did everything together throughout their lives. They were born in 1918, three months after their father left to fight in the trenches of Belgium and France in World War I. One evening, she told Andrea and me the story of the day they were born.
「當時爸爸正身處前線戰壕，突然仿佛映入眼簾兩張面孔。六個月後，他才發現原來生下了兩個活潑圓潤的小女孩。」
“Daddy was in a trench on the front lines, and two faces appeared to him. Six months later he found out that two bouncy, round baby girls were born.”
奶奶與 Dora 在 Star Valley 的一個農場長大，那裡生活並無室內管道、電力或電話。她們就讀於 Star Valley 高中，曾在學校的《哈克貝里·費恩》表演中輪流擔任角色，共同完成每一幕。奶奶笑談說，她們作為雙胞胎曾經有過無比快樂的時光，還經常戲弄男友。
Grandma and Dora grew up on a farm in Star Valley without indoor plumbing, electricity, or telephones. They attended Star Valley High School, where they shared a role in the school performance of Huckleberry Finn, taking turns in each act. She laughed about how much fun they had as twins and told us how they often fooled their boyfriends.
Dona 與 Dora 甚至曾出演過地方電視廣告，作為一家割草機公司的代言人。而奶奶也曾擔任電話接線員，但這份工作讓她緊張得不得不辭職。
Dona and Dora were in a local television commercial, acting as spokeswomen for a local lawnmower company. Grandma also worked as a telephone switchboard operator, but the job made her so nervous that she had to quit.
她還曾在五金行、服裝店和禮品店工作，不過她最喜愛的工作卻是在 Star Valley 奶油廠，負責分裝奶油，每磅分成四小塊。
Other experiences included working in a hardware store, a clothing store, and a gift shop. Her favorite job was at the Star Valley creamery, where she wrapped butter squares, four squares per pound.
我們幾乎每晚都坐下來聊上一通。奶奶非常享受我們給她一個傾訴一生故事的機會。
We spent nearly every night in conversation. She loved the chance we gave her to share her life stories with someone.
我們搬進來約一個月後，奶奶的雙胞胎姐姐去世了。此事令奶奶陷入極度抑鬱，健康狀況急轉直下。她背部時常作痛，雙腿也逐漸失去知覺，幾乎整日依靠在躺椅上。Andrea 每天幫奶奶洗澡、上廁所，並按摩她的雙腿，同時承擔起家中所有的清潔與烹飪工作。勸奶奶進食更是一大挑戰，她總需要不斷地被哄騙，甚至常在半夜呼喚 Andrea 來幫忙。
About a month after we moved in, Grandma’s twin sister died. Grandma became very depressed after that, and her health declined rapidly. Her back hurt, and she began to lose feeling in her legs. She would sit in her reclining chair most of the day. Andrea helped her bathe and use the toilet and massaged her legs every day. In addition, she would do all of the house cleaning and cooking. It was a struggle to get Grandma to eat, and she required constant coaxing. She would often call for help from Andrea in the middle of the night.
奶奶覺得，在她雙胞胎姐姐去世後，就像失去了一部分的自己，始終難以接受這場死亡的衝擊；我認為分享我自己關於死亡與重生的經歷，或許能幫助她找到些許安寧。
Grandma felt as if she had lost part of herself when her twin sister died and struggled to cope with her death. I considered that relating my own experience with death might help bring her peace.
某晚晚餐後，我對奶奶說：「奶奶，你知道嗎？我曾經‘死過’，然後又被帶回來了。」
One night after dinner I said, “You know, Grandma, I died and was brought back.”
奶奶答道：「我聽說過這件事。」
“I heard about that,” she said.
我追問道：「你想進一步了解嗎？」
“Do you want to know more about that?”
她揮了揮手，說：「不，都是胡扯。」(Note: phooy 表示胡扯) 我原本很想再多告訴她一些，卻總感覺靈魂層面不允許。
She waved her hand in the air. “No, it’s all phooey.” I wanted to tell her more anyway, but Spirit always told me no.
幾週悄然而過，我們一起度過了感恩節並開始籌備聖誕節；Andrea 忙著承擔奶奶過去常做的各種事宜。儘管傳統感恩節大餐總是包括火雞、馬鈴薯、甘藷及各式配菜，但那次我們的賓客只有我媽媽和姑姑 Dawnette。
Weeks went by. We spent Thanksgiving together and prepared for Christmas. Andrea stayed busy doing all the things that Grandma would have done if she had been able to. Thanksgiving meant preparing a full spread of turkey, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and everything else in a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, even though the only guests were my mom and my aunt Dawnette.
我們幾乎花了整整幾天為鄰居準備點心，我負責布置聖誕樹，而 Andrea 則用奶奶這些年收藏的飾品來精心佈置，每一件飾品都有固定位置，必須擺放得恰到好處。
We spent days cooking treats for the neighbors. I set up the tree, and Andrea decorated it with ornaments Grandma had collected over the decades. Each ornament had its designated spot on the tree and had to be positioned just so.
奶奶對清潔十分講究，所以當 Andrea 不在廚房烹調或照料奶奶時，她就自己打掃整理，每日聽從奶奶在客廳扶手椅上的指揮，其中一項任務便是翻閱檔案櫃，把那些已經無關緊要的舊文件一併丟棄。
Grandma was fastidious about cleaning, so when Andrea wasn’t cooking or tending to Grandma’s needs, she would spend her days cleaning and organizing, directed by Grandma from her chair in the living room. One of her tasks was going through a set of filing cabinets, throwing away old papers that didn’t matter anymore.
奶奶有個習慣，就是保存報紙剪報，裡面記錄著她所認識的人的故事，她從 Afton, Wyoming 的報紙中累積了一生的記憶；在這個小農村，人人彼此熟識，每逢有新生兒、死亡或畢業的消息，她都會留存。牛仔競技是農村生活的核心，爺爺曾是冠軍賽車手——那比賽由一對馬牽動一個小戰車繞場高速奔馳；此外，她也保存州展、牛仔競技勝利等報導，記錄農村生活的種種點滴。
Grandma had a habit of saving newspaper clippings with stories about people she knew and had collected a lifetime of stories from the Afton, Wyoming, newspaper. In the small farming community, everyone knew everyone else. Any time there was a birth, death, or graduation announcement, she would save it. Rodeos were central to farm and country life in Afton, and Grandpa had been a champion cutter racer, where a pair of horses pull a small chariot around a track. She would also save news about champions from the annual state fair, rodeo wins, and other items of interest in farm country life.
聖誕節前幾天，當 Andrea 正在整理另一個抽屜時，她發現了一本舊酒紅色的仿皮活頁夾，裡面滿是文件夾與文件套；當她翻閱那些泛黃的頁面時，其中一份文件引起了她的注意——那是一篇祝福逐字稿，獻給山谷中原始定居者之一的 Charles Drake Cazier。教會領袖曾召他來負責管理山谷中數個會眾的領導工作，但 Drake 覺得自己既不夠資格也無法承擔如此沉重的責任，於是向另一位當地被譽為「家長」(Guardian's Riddle) 的領袖尋求諮詢，這位「家長」負責為該地區的人送上富有啟示意義的祝福。
A few days before Christmas, as Andrea was clearing out another drawer, she discovered an old maroon, faux-leather binder full of folders and document sleeves. As she thumbed through the old pages, one of the documents caught her eye. It was the transcript of a blessing that was given to one of the original settlers in the valley—Charles Drake Cazier. He had been called by church leaders to oversee the leadership of several congregations in the valley. Drake did not feel qualified or capable enough for so much responsibility and had sought counsel from another local leader who was called a “patriarch”—someone tasked with giving inspired blessings to people in that same area.
回家後，Andrea 立刻將那份文件交給我看；祝福中說明，Drake 將會成為他血脈中的人，及所有在從此生邁向彼岸過程中需要他之愛與協助者的嚮導和陪伴者。
Andrea showed me the paper as soon as I got home. The blessing said that Drake was going to be a guide, or escort, for those of his blood, as well as others who needed his love and assistance in transition from this life to the next.
這又無疑確認了我嚮導 Drake 的非凡身份——他是一位極其出色的嚮導。我從未感受到哪怕一絲評判、惡意或任何負面情緒；如果有，我也一定能察覺。從他身上散發出的，永遠只有純粹、無條件且明確無誤的愛。
Here was another remarkable confirmation about my guide, Drake. What a wonderful guide he had been. I never felt one inkling of judgment, not a single malicious thought, not one negative feeling. I would have felt it if there was. All he ever expressed, all I ever felt from him, was pure, unconditional, and unequivocal love.
我激動地想把這段祝福和我的經歷與奶奶分享，便等到她心情愉快的日子。聖誕節那天，家中圍滿了親朋好友，氣氛歡樂。當晚，待喧鬧漸淡、訪客各自忙於屋內其他角落時，我和 Andrea 與奶奶坐下交談；我向她展示了 Drake 的祝福，並解釋說他曾是我的嚮導，告訴她那些他傳授給我的奇妙事物。
I was excited to share the blessing and my experience with my grandmother. I waited for a day when she was in good spirits. Christmas Day was a happy day for everyone, full of visiting friends and family. That evening, after the excitement had settled down and our visitors were busy in other parts of the house, Andrea and I sat down with my grandmother. I showed her Drake’s blessing and explained that he had been my guide. I told her about all the wondrous things he had taught me.
當我說完，奶奶默默望向遠方，片刻無言，隨後打開心扉告訴我們：她一直擔憂家中一位她深愛的親人。這位親人生活坎坷，所作的某些決定讓人看上去彷彿註定要墮入我們傳統意義上的地獄；她對這位深受她摯愛的人的未來既痛苦又憂心忡忡。
When I finished, Grandma just sat silently as she stared off into the distance. Then she opened up and told us that she had been concerned about one of her family members. She loved that person dearly, but they had had a hard life and made some decisions that made it appear that they were destined for what we traditionally consider hell. She was deeply and bitterly worried about the future of this person that she loved so deeply.
我向奶奶解釋道：「奶奶，這個偉大的人類實驗本身就像地獄，但那並非我們的最終目的地；現世只是一座訓練場。在彼岸，最差的人會變得更好，而最優秀的人則會變得更偉大。我們每個人都能在有限的能力內，盡可能迅速地成長和進步。」
“Grandma,” I explained, “this grand human experiment is hell. But it isn’t our final destination. Life here is only a training ground. On the other side, the worst of us become better, and the best of us become greater. We all grow and progress as much and as fast as we are able.”
我和奶奶靜靜地坐著，她在回味我剛才述說的那些往事，而我心中仍有一個疑問熊熊燃燒。等了幾分鐘後，我便問道：「你能跟我說說 Drake 的事嗎？哪怕只有一點點也好。」
We sat together in silence as she reflected on what I had shared with her. I still had a question burning inside of me, and after waiting several minutes, I asked, “Is there anything you can tell me about Drake? Anything at all?”
奶奶凝視著早年的回憶說：「我小時候曾遇見過他，雖然那時我還太小，但我記得，每當他抱著我時，他總會凝視著我的雙眼。我總覺得，那雙藍眼睛仿佛能洞察我的靈魂。」
Grandma looked deep into her early memories. “I met him when I was a little girl. Very little. But I still remember that whenever he held me, he would look into my eyes. I always felt that those blue eyes could just see inside my soul.”
我深知她的意思，因為我也曾有過同樣的體驗，就如那般真切。
I knew exactly what she meant. I had experienced it, too, just like that.
這是第三次證明我在彼岸世界的經歷是真實的。第一次是看到 Drake 的照片；第二次是那份給予他的祝福；而現在，奶奶——這位在現世曾經認識他的老友，用的形容正與我在來世中的體驗如出一轍。
It was a third confirmation that my time in the world beyond ours was real. The first was seeing the photo of Drake. The second was the blessing he had been given. And now here, my grandmother, who had known him in this life, described him just as I had experienced him in the next one.
奶奶花了好一會兒才消化我向她解釋的審判與來生的觀念——上帝永不放棄我們中的任何一個；最終，她能夠接受上帝為那位她至愛的家人安排了一條特殊的道路，無論發生什麼，大家都會沒事。自從她接受了這個真理，我們看到她在情感上與身體上都發生了改變；隨著時間推移，她的背痛漸漸消失，腿部的感覺也慢慢恢復。
It took my grandmother a while to process what I explained to her about judgment and the next life, that God will not give up on any of us, ever, but eventually she was able to embrace the idea that God had a special path for her family member, and they were going to be fine no matter what. Once she accepted that truth, we saw a change in her, both emotionally and physically. Over time, her back stopped hurting her, and feeling started to return to her legs.
第20章：奶奶多娜
Chapter 20: Grandma Dona
一個月後，安德莉亞和我結婚。幾個月前，我的公司投標了一個在阿拉斯加建造定制房屋的項目，而在我們婚禮的兩週後，我和我的老闆就前往阿拉斯加的費爾班克斯，履行那個為期一個月的合同。到達後，總承包商還要求我們再建造一棟房子，這使得工作延長到兩個月。我們每天工作超過十個小時，每週六天。
Andrea and I were married a month later. A few months earlier, my company had bid on a project to frame a custom home in Alaska, and two weeks after our wedding, my boss and I were off to Fairbanks, Alaska, to fulfill that one-month contract. After we arrived, the general contractor asked us to frame a second home, too, which stretched the job to two months. We worked over ten hours a day, six days a week.
我們那一區沒有手機信號，所以每天結束時，我會在酒店外的公用電話亭與安德莉亞通話。我們的對話持續的時間取決於我能忍受在寒冷的阿拉斯加夜晚待多久，通常在三十分鐘到一小時之間。我們的對話為我漫長的工作日增添了色彩。儘管距離遙遠，我們的關係卻變得更加親密。
There was no cell phone reception in our area, so at the end of each day, I would talk to Andrea on a pay phone outside our hotel. Our conversations would last as long as I could stand being outside in the cold Alaska evenings, usually between thirty minutes and an hour. Our conversations brightened the monotony of my long days. Despite the distance, we grew closer.
離開安德莉亞是一個巨大的掙扎。再次，我感到與無條件的愛隔絕，與快樂分離。我遠離了我想要的地方，困在一個偏遠寒冷的地方，每天努力工作，並努力保持積極的心態。在某種程度上，這感覺就像我又一次從死裡復活。
Being away from Andrea was an enormous struggle. Once again, I felt cut off from unconditional love and separated from joy. I was far away from where I wanted to be, stuck in a remote, cold place working hard every day, and struggling to keep my spirits up. In some ways, it felt like I was coming back from the dead all over again.
我多麼希望安德莉亞能和我在一起，但我們探索的每一條讓她來阿拉斯加的途徑都走到了死胡同。雖然當時很痛苦，但我們分開的時間讓我們明白彼此對對方的重要性，並幫助我們確保生活中的小問題不會妨礙我們的關係。
As much as I wished for Andrea to be with me, every avenue we explored to have her join me in Alaska led to a dead end. Though it was painful at the time, our time apart taught us how important we were to each other and helped us to make sure the little issues of life didn’t get in the way of our relationship.
我急於回家，項目的最後三週我們每天工作十二小時，每週七天。當安德莉亞說我爸爸想和我談談時，我還剩一週的工作。我們安排了一個時間來通話。
I was anxious to get back home, and the last three weeks of the project we worked twelve-hour days, seven days a week. I had one week left when Andrea said that my dad wanted to discuss something with me. We arranged a time to talk.
「阿拉斯加怎麼樣？」他問。「我在那裡的時候很喜歡釣魚。你覺得釣魚怎麼樣？」
“How’s Alaska?” he asked. “I loved the fishing when I was up there. How do you like the fishing?”
「沒有時間釣魚，」我說。「我一直在工作。」
“There’s no time for fishing,” I said. “I’ve just been working the whole time.”
「哦，那真可惜。在那裡的時候試著釣釣魚。」我仍然在想他為什麼打電話。「一切都還好嗎？」
“Oh, that’s too bad. Try to do some fishing while you’re up there.” I was still wondering why he called. “Is everything okay?”
「我們很好，」他說。「但奶奶有些掙扎。她的健康開始衰退。她厭倦了和你叔叔住在一起，對此變得非常固執。她真的想搬回阿夫頓，但她在那裡會孤單。我和你媽媽正在打聽是否有人能去幫助她度過生命的最後幾個月。你和安德莉亞願意和她住在一起嗎？我知道這要求很高，但這樣可以讓她回到家。」
“We’re fine,” he said. “But Grandma’s struggling. Her health is starting to wane. She’s tired of living with your uncle, and she’s getting really obstinate about it. She really wants to move back home to Afton, but she’d be all alone up there. Your mom and I are asking around to see if anyone could go and help her live out the last few months of her life. Would you and Andrea be willing to stay with her? I know that’s asking a lot, but it would allow her to go back home.”
這要求確實很高。最後，我說：「我在這裡快完成了，會很快回家。我會和安德莉亞談談這件事。」
It was a lot to ask. Finally, I said, “I’m almost done up here and will be back home soon. I’ll talk to Andrea about it.”
「我很感激。謝謝你，兒子。」 「沒問題。我愛你，爸爸。」 「我也愛你。」
“I appreciate it. Thanks, son.” “Sure thing. I love you, Dad.” “I love you, too.”
我立刻打電話給安德莉亞，告訴她我和我父親的對話。我們決定為指引祈禱。當我們這麼做時，我們都感到應該在星谷與我的祖母同住，無論需要多久。
I immediately called Andrea and told her about my conversation with my father. We decided to pray for guidance. When we did, we both felt guided to live with my grandmother in Star Valley for however long we were needed there.
我在十月中旬回到了猶他州。安德莉亞和我花了一週的時間打包我們的少量財物，然後在萬聖節前幾天開車四小時北上到阿夫頓。
I returned to Utah in the middle of October. Andrea and I spent a week packing up our few possessions, then drove four hours north to Afton a few days before Halloween.
奶奶多娜的房子和我記憶中的一樣。這棟兩千平方英尺的兩層磚房有四間臥室，沒有地下室。它建於1950年代，是奶奶幾乎整個婚姻生活的居住地。
Grandma Dona’s house was just as I remembered it. The two thousand square foot, two-story brick home had four bedrooms and no basement. It had been built in the 1950s and was where Grandma had lived for almost all of her married life.
我們把行李搬進去，安頓下來。這棟房子有一種小屋的感覺；樓下的房間都覆蓋著木質牆板。地毯是1970年代的復古棕色絨毛，帶有淺色和深色的斑駁。它是由一個油燒爐加熱的，這個爐子和幾十年前更換的木燒爐放在同一個地方。
We carried our belongings inside and settled in. The house had a cabin feel; the downstairs rooms were covered in wood paneling. The carpet was vintage 1970s brown pile, with light and dark patches. It was heated by an oil burning stove that sat in the same spot as the wood burning stove it had replaced decades before.
當我們搬進去時，我的祖母已經八十多歲了。她總是面帶微笑，白髮梳成短捲髮。她的衣櫥幾乎全是七十年代的扣子襯衫和聚酯纖維長褲，還有星期天的連衣裙。她在家裡總是穿著家居服，去雜貨店時則會打扮得體。她的聲音溫柔而平靜，總是會說：「哦，我的天啊。」對於任何事情。她很難主動說出「我愛你」，但通過行動表達她的愛，通常是通過烘焙。她以雞肉麵條湯和餅乾而聞名。
My grandmother was in her eighties when we moved in. She had a ready smile, framed by a full head of white hair done up in a short, roller- set style. Her wardrobe consisted almost entirely of seventies era button-up shirts and polyester slacks, with dresses for Sundays. She always wore a housecoat at home and dressed up to go to the grocery store. She had a kind, calm voice, and would say, “Oh, my word,” about everything. She had a hard time initiating the words “I love you,” but showed her love through her actions; usually by baking. She was famous for her chicken noodle soup and her cookies.
安德莉亞幫助奶奶完成她無法自己做的任務，包括烹飪、清潔、穿衣和洗澡。我很快在建築行業找到了一份工作，在前往工地和實際工作之間，我經常每天超過十二小時不在家。不過，我們總是一起吃晚餐。奶奶稱之為「晚餐」。那些晚上我們在一起的時光是珍貴的回憶。
Andrea helped Grandma with tasks that she could no longer do herself. That included cooking, cleaning, dressing, and showering. I quickly found a job in construction, and between traveling to job sites and the actual work, I was often gone more than twelve hours a day. We always had dinner together, though. Grandma called it “supper.” Those evenings we had together are treasured memories.
在我成長的過程中，我一直把奶奶視為一個嚴厲的權威人物。她總是要求我們做該做的事情：在家裡脫鞋、洗手、把盤子上的食物吃光，還有幫助爺爺做家務。然而，現在與她同住，我能看到她性格的另一面。我了解到她的生活充滿了抱負和成就。
Growing up, I always thought of my grandma as a strict authoritarian figure. She was always after us to do what we were supposed to: take off our shoes in the house, wash our hands, eat everything on our plate, and help Grandpa with his chores. Living with her now, though, I was able to see a different side of her personality. I learned that she had had a life full of aspirations and achievements.
她是一對同卵雙胞胎，她和她的妹妹多拉是從小到大形影不離的好朋友。她們於1918年出生，父親在第一次世界大戰中前往比利時和法國的戰壕作戰三個月後才出生。某個晚上，她告訴安德莉亞和我她們出生那天的故事。
She was an identical twin, and she and her sister, Dora, had been best friends who did everything together throughout their lives. They were born in 1918, three months after their father left to fight in the trenches of Belgium and France in World War I. One evening, she told Andrea and me the story of the day they were born.
「爸爸在前線的戰壕裡，突然出現了兩張面孔。六個月後，他才知道有兩個活潑圓潤的小女孩出生了。」
“Daddy was in a trench on the front lines, and two faces appeared to him. Six months later he found out that two bouncy, round baby girls were born.”
奶奶和多拉在星谷的一個農場長大，沒有室內管道、電力或電話。她們上星谷高中，在那裡參加學校的《哈克貝里·費恩》表演，輪流在每一幕中演出。她笑著講述她們作為雙胞胎的樂趣，並告訴我們她們如何經常欺騙她們的男朋友。
Grandma and Dora grew up on a farm in Star Valley without indoor plumbing, electricity, or telephones. They attended Star Valley High School, where they shared a role in the school performance of Huckleberry Finn, taking turns in each act. She laughed about how much fun they had as twins and told us how they often fooled their boyfriends.
多娜和多拉參加了一個當地的電視廣告，擔任當地割草機公司的代言人。奶奶還曾擔任電話總機操作員，但這份工作讓她緊張得不得不辭職。
Dona and Dora were in a local television commercial, acting as spokeswomen for a local lawnmower company. Grandma also worked as a telephone switchboard operator, but the job made her so nervous that she had to quit.
她的其他經歷包括在五金店、服裝店和禮品店工作。她最喜歡的工作是在星谷奶油廠，負責包裝黃油，每磅四塊。
Other experiences included working in a hardware store, a clothing store, and a gift shop. Her favorite job was at the Star Valley creamery, where she wrapped butter squares, four squares per pound.
我們幾乎每晚都在交談。她喜歡我們給她的機會，讓她與人分享她的生活故事。
We spent nearly every night in conversation. She loved the chance we gave her to share her life stories with someone.
大約一個月後，我們搬進去，奶奶的雙胞胎妹妹去世了。奶奶在那之後變得非常沮喪，她的健康迅速惡化。她的背部疼痛，腿部開始失去知覺。她大部分時間坐在她的躺椅上。安德莉亞幫助她洗澡和上廁所，並每天為她按摩腿部。此外，她還負責所有的清潔和烹飪。讓奶奶吃東西是一場鬥爭，她需要不斷的勸說。她經常在半夜呼喚安德莉亞的幫助。
About a month after we moved in, Grandma’s twin sister died. Grandma became very depressed after that, and her health declined rapidly. Her back hurt, and she began to lose feeling in her legs. She would sit in her reclining chair most of the day. Andrea helped her bathe and use the toilet and massaged her legs every day. In addition, she would do all of the house cleaning and cooking. It was a struggle to get Grandma to eat, and she required constant coaxing. She would often call for help from Andrea in the middle of the night.
奶奶感覺在她的雙胞胎妹妹去世後，自己失去了一部分，並且努力應對她的死亡。我考慮到分享我自己對死亡的經歷可能會幫助她找到平靜。
Grandma felt as if she had lost part of herself when her twin sister died and struggled to cope with her death. I considered that relating my own experience with death might help bring her peace.
一天晚上吃完晚餐，我說：「你知道嗎，奶奶，我死過一次，然後被帶回來了。」
One night after dinner I said, “You know, Grandma, I died and was brought back.”
「我聽說過這件事，」她說。
“I heard about that,” she said.
「你想知道更多嗎？」
“Do you want to know more about that?”
她在空中揮了揮手。「不，這都是胡說八道。」我還是想告訴她更多，但靈魂總是告訴我不要。
She waved her hand in the air. “No, it’s all phooey.” I wanted to tell her more anyway, but Spirit always told me no.
幾周過去了。我們一起度過了感恩節，並為聖誕節做準備。安德莉亞忙著做奶奶本來能做的所有事情。感恩節意味著準備一頓豐盛的火雞大餐，包括馬鈴薯、甘薯和其他所有傳統的感恩節晚餐，儘管唯一的客人是我媽媽和我的姑姑道娜特。
Weeks went by. We spent Thanksgiving together and prepared for Christmas. Andrea stayed busy doing all the things that Grandma would have done if she had been able to. Thanksgiving meant preparing a full spread of turkey, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and everything else in a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, even though the only guests were my mom and my aunt Dawnette.
我們花了幾天為鄰居們烹飪點心。我負責裝飾聖誕樹，安德莉亞則用奶奶幾十年來收集的裝飾品來裝飾它。每個裝飾品都有指定的位置，必須精確放置。
We spent days cooking treats for the neighbors. I set up the tree, and Andrea decorated it with ornaments Grandma had collected over the decades. Each ornament had its designated spot on the tree and had to be positioned just so.
奶奶對清潔非常講究，所以當安德莉亞不在廚房或照顧奶奶的需求時，她會花時間清理和整理，奶奶則從客廳的椅子上指導她。她的一項任務是整理一組檔案櫃，丟掉那些不再重要的舊文件。
Grandma was fastidious about cleaning, so when Andrea wasn’t cooking or tending to Grandma’s needs, she would spend her days cleaning and organizing, directed by Grandma from her chair in the living room. One of her tasks was going through a set of filing cabinets, throwing away old papers that didn’t matter anymore.
奶奶有保存報紙剪報的習慣，裡面有她認識的人的故事，並從懷俄明州阿夫頓的報紙中收集了一生的故事。在這個小農業社區裡，人人皆知。每當有出生、死亡或畢業的公告時，她都會保存下來。牛仔競技表演是阿夫頓農場和鄉村生活的核心，爺爺曾是一名冠軍切割賽馬手，兩匹馬拉著一輛小戰車在賽道上奔跑。她還會保存有關年度州博覽會的冠軍、牛仔競技獲勝和其他農村生活中有趣的事情的新聞。
Grandma had a habit of saving newspaper clippings with stories about people she knew and had collected a lifetime of stories from the Afton, Wyoming, newspaper. In the small farming community, everyone knew everyone else. Any time there was a birth, death, or graduation announcement, she would save it. Rodeos were central to farm and country life in Afton, and Grandpa had been a champion cutter racer, where a pair of horses pull a small chariot around a track. She would also save news about champions from the annual state fair, rodeo wins, and other items of interest in farm country life.
在聖誕節前幾天，當安德莉亞清理另一個抽屜時，她發現了一個舊的深紅色仿皮文件夾，裡面裝滿了文件夾和文件套。當她翻閱那些舊頁面時，其中一份文件引起了她的注意。那是給谷地一位原始定居者——查爾斯·德瑞克·卡齊爾的祝福文書。他被教會領袖召喚，負責監督谷地幾個教區的領導工作。德瑞克感到自己不夠資格或能力承擔如此多的責任，並向另一位被稱為「家長」的當地領袖尋求建議——這是一個負責給予該地區人們靈感祝福的人。
A few days before Christmas, as Andrea was clearing out another drawer, she discovered an old maroon, faux-leather binder full of folders and document sleeves. As she thumbed through the old pages, one of the documents caught her eye. It was the transcript of a blessing that was given to one of the original settlers in the valley—Charles Drake Cazier. He had been called by church leaders to oversee the leadership of several congregations in the valley. Drake did not feel qualified or capable enough for so much responsibility and had sought counsel from another local leader who was called a “patriarch”—someone tasked with giving inspired blessings to people in that same area.
安德莉亞一回到家就向我展示了這份文件。祝福中提到德瑞克將成為他血脈的指導者或護送者，以及那些在從這一生過渡到下一生中需要他的愛和幫助的人。
Andrea showed me the paper as soon as I got home. The blessing said that Drake was going to be a guide, or escort, for those of his blood, as well as others who needed his love and assistance in transition from this life to the next.
這是對我的指導者德瑞克的另一個驚人確認。他真是一位了不起的指導者。我從未感受到一絲評判，沒有一個惡意的想法，也沒有一種負面的感受。如果有的話，我會感受到。他所表達的，所有我從他身上感受到的，都是純粹的、無條件的和明確的愛。
Here was another remarkable confirmation about my guide, Drake. What a wonderful guide he had been. I never felt one inkling of judgment, not a single malicious thought, not one negative feeling. I would have felt it if there was. All he ever expressed, all I ever felt from him, was pure, unconditional, and unequivocal love.
我很興奮能與奶奶分享這份祝福和我的經歷。我等到她心情好的時候。聖誕節對每個人來說都是快樂的一天，充滿了朋友和家人的拜訪。那天晚上，在興奮的氣氛平息下來，來訪的客人在房子的其他地方忙碌時，安德莉亞和我坐下來與奶奶交談。我向她展示了德瑞克的祝福，並解釋了他是我的指導者。我告訴她他教會我的所有奇妙事物。
I was excited to share the blessing and my experience with my grandmother. I waited for a day when she was in good spirits. Christmas Day was a happy day for everyone, full of visiting friends and family. That evening, after the excitement had settled down and our visitors were busy in other parts of the house, Andrea and I sat down with my grandmother. I showed her Drake’s blessing and explained that he had been my guide. I told her about all the wondrous things he had taught me.
當我講完時，奶奶只是靜靜地坐著，凝視著遠方。然後她打開心扉，告訴我們她一直擔心她的一位家人。她非常愛那個人，但他們的生活艱難，做出了一些決定，讓人覺得他們注定要走向我們傳統上認為的地獄。她對這個她深愛的人未來感到深深的擔憂和苦惱。
When I finished, Grandma just sat silently as she stared off into the distance. Then she opened up and told us that she had been concerned about one of her family members. She loved that person dearly, but they had had a hard life and made some decisions that made it appear that they were destined for what we traditionally consider hell. She was deeply and bitterly worried about the future of this person that she loved so deeply.
「奶奶，」我解釋道，「這個偉大的人類實驗就是地獄。但這不是我們的最終目的地。這裡的生活只是一個訓練場。在另一邊，我們中最糟糕的人變得更好，而我們中最優秀的人變得更偉大。我們都在盡可能快地成長和進步。」
“Grandma,” I explained, “this grand human experiment is hell. But it isn’t our final destination. Life here is only a training ground. On the other side, the worst of us become better, and the best of us become greater. We all grow and progress as much and as fast as we are able.”
我們靜靜地坐在一起，奶奶反思我與她分享的內容。我心中仍然燃燒著一個問題，等了幾分鐘後，我問：「你能告訴我關於德瑞克的任何事情嗎？任何事情都可以？」
We sat together in silence as she reflected on what I had shared with her. I still had a question burning inside of me, and after waiting several minutes, I asked, “Is there anything you can tell me about Drake? Anything at all?”
奶奶深深回憶起她早年的記憶。「我在小女孩的時候遇見過他。非常小。但我仍然記得，每當他抱著我時，他都會看著我的眼睛。我總是感覺到那雙藍眼睛能夠看進我的靈魂裡。」
Grandma looked deep into her early memories. “I met him when I was a little girl. Very little. But I still remember that whenever he held me, he would look into my eyes. I always felt that those blue eyes could just see inside my soul.”
我完全明白她的意思。我也有過這樣的經歷，就像她所描述的那樣。
I knew exactly what she meant. I had experienced it, too, just like that.
這是對我在另一個世界的經歷的第三次確認。第一次是看到德瑞克的照片。第二次是他所得到的祝福。而現在，這位在今生認識他的奶奶，正如我在來世所經歷的那樣描述他。
It was a third confirmation that my time in the world beyond ours was real. The first was seeing the photo of Drake. The second was the blessing he had been given. And now here, my grandmother, who had known him in this life, described him just as I had experienced him in the next one.
奶奶花了一段時間來消化我向她解釋的關於評判和來世的事情，告訴她上帝永遠不會放棄我們中的任何一個，但最終她能夠接受這個想法：上帝為她的家人安排了一條特殊的道路，無論如何他們都會好好的。一旦她接受了這個真理，我們看到她在情感和身體上都有了變化。隨著時間的推移，她的背部不再疼痛，腿部的感覺也開始回來。
It took my grandmother a while to process what I explained to her about judgment and the next life, that God will not give up on any of us, ever, but eventually she was able to embrace the idea that God had a special path for her family member, and they were going to be fine no matter what. Once she accepted that truth, we saw a change in her, both emotionally and physically. Over time, her back stopped hurting her, and feeling started to return to her legs.
第20章：奶奶Dona
Chapter 20: Grandma Dona
一個月後，我和Andrea結婚了。幾個月前，我的公司投標了一個在阿拉斯加建造定制房屋的項目，婚禮兩週後，我和老闆前往阿拉斯加的費爾班克斯履行為期一個月的合同。我們到達後，總承包商又要求我們建造第二棟房屋，這使得工作延長到兩個月。我們每天工作超過十個小時，每週工作六天。
Andrea and I were married a month later. A few months earlier, my company had bid on a project to frame a custom home in Alaska, and two weeks after our wedding, my boss and I were off to Fairbanks, Alaska, to fulfill that one-month contract. After we arrived, the general contractor asked us to frame a second home, too, which stretched the job to two months. We worked over ten hours a day, six days a week.
我們所在的地區沒有手機信號，所以每天結束時，我會在酒店外的公用電話亭與Andrea通話。我們的對話通常持續三十分鐘到一小時，直到我在寒冷的阿拉斯加夜晚無法忍受為止。這些對話讓我漫長的日子變得不再單調。儘管距離遙遠，我們的關係卻更加親密。
There was no cell phone reception in our area, so at the end of each day, I would talk to Andrea on a pay phone outside our hotel. Our conversations would last as long as I could stand being outside in the cold Alaska evenings, usually between thirty minutes and an hour. Our conversations brightened the monotony of my long days. Despite the distance, we grew closer.
離開Andrea對我來說是一個巨大的挑戰。我再次感到與無條件的愛隔絕，與快樂分離。我遠離我想去的地方，被困在一個偏遠寒冷的地方，每天努力工作，努力保持精神振奮。在某些方面，這感覺就像我又一次從死亡中回來。
Being away from Andrea was an enormous struggle. Once again, I felt cut off from unconditional love and separated from joy. I was far away from where I wanted to be, stuck in a remote, cold place working hard every day, and struggling to keep my spirits up. In some ways, it felt like I was coming back from the dead all over again.
儘管我希望Andrea能和我在一起，但我們探索的每一條讓她來阿拉斯加的路徑都走不通。雖然當時很痛苦，但我們的分離讓我們明白彼此對對方的重要性，並幫助我們確保生活中的小問題不會妨礙我們的關係。
As much as I wished for Andrea to be with me, every avenue we explored to have her join me in Alaska led to a dead end. Though it was painful at the time, our time apart taught us how important we were to each other and helped us to make sure the little issues of life didn’t get in the way of our relationship.
我迫不及待想回家，項目最後三週我們每天工作十二小時，一週七天。還剩一週時，Andrea告訴我爸爸想和我談談。我們安排了一個時間交談。
I was anxious to get back home, and the last three weeks of the project we worked twelve-hour days, seven days a week. I had one week left when Andrea said that my dad wanted to discuss something with me. We arranged a time to talk.
“阿拉斯加怎麼樣？”他問。“我在那裡的時候很喜歡釣魚。你覺得釣魚怎麼樣？”
“How’s Alaska?” he asked. “I loved the fishing when I was up there. How do you like the fishing?”
“沒有時間釣魚，”我說。“我一直在工作。”
“There’s no time for fishing,” I said. “I’ve just been working the whole time.”
“哦，那太糟糕了。試著在那裡釣點魚。”我仍然在想他為什麼打電話。“一切都好嗎？”
“Oh, that’s too bad. Try to do some fishing while you’re up there.” I was still wondering why he called. “Is everything okay?”
“我們很好，”他說。“但奶奶很掙扎。她的健康開始衰退。她厭倦了和你叔叔住在一起，對此變得非常固執。她真的想搬回Afton的家，但她會孤零零一個人在那裡。你媽媽和我正在問問看是否有人能去幫助她度過生命的最後幾個月。你和Andrea願意和她住在一起嗎？我知道這要求很多，但這可以讓她回家。”
“We’re fine,” he said. “But Grandma’s struggling. Her health is starting to wane. She’s tired of living with your uncle, and she’s getting really obstinate about it. She really wants to move back home to Afton, but she’d be all alone up there. Your mom and I are asking around to see if anyone could go and help her live out the last few months of her life. Would you and Andrea be willing to stay with her? I know that’s asking a lot, but it would allow her to go back home.”
這確實要求很高。最後，我說：“我在這裡快完工了，很快就會回家。我會和Andrea談談。”
It was a lot to ask. Finally, I said, “I’m almost done up here and will be back home soon. I’ll talk to Andrea about it.”
“我很感激。謝謝你，兒子。”“當然。我愛你，爸爸。”“我也愛你。”
“I appreciate it. Thanks, son.” “Sure thing. I love you, Dad.” “I love you, too.”
我立刻打電話給Andrea，告訴她我和父親的談話。我們決定祈禱尋求指引。當我們這樣做時，我們都感受到應該去星谷和我祖母住在一起，直到我們不再需要在那裡為止。
I immediately called Andrea and told her about my conversation with my father. We decided to pray for guidance. When we did, we both felt guided to live with my grandmother in Star Valley for however long we were needed there.
我在十月中旬回到猶他。Andrea和我花了一週時間打包我們的少量物品，然後在萬聖節前幾天開車四小時北上到Afton。
I returned to Utah in the middle of October. Andrea and I spent a week packing up our few possessions, then drove four hours north to Afton a few days before Halloween.
Dona奶奶的房子和我記憶中的一樣。這座兩千平方英尺的兩層磚房有四間臥室，沒有地下室。它建於1950年代，是奶奶幾乎整個婚姻生活的居所。
Grandma Dona’s house was just as I remembered it. The two thousand square foot, two-story brick home had four bedrooms and no basement. It had been built in the 1950s and was where Grandma had lived for almost all of her married life.
我們把物品搬進去並安頓下來。房子有種小木屋的感覺；樓下的房間覆蓋著木板牆。地毯是1970年代的棕色絨毛，有深淺不一的斑塊。它由一個油爐加熱，放在幾十年前替換掉的木爐的原位。
We carried our belongings inside and settled in. The house had a cabin feel; the downstairs rooms were covered in wood paneling. The carpet was vintage 1970s brown pile, with light and dark patches. It was heated by an oil burning stove that sat in the same spot as the wood burning stove it had replaced decades before.
我們搬進去時，我祖母已經八十多歲了。她總是面帶微笑，頭髮全白，梳成短而捲的髮型。她的衣櫥幾乎全是七十年代的扣襯衫和聚酯長褲，週日穿裙子。她在家總是穿著家居服，去雜貨店時會打扮一番。她的聲音溫和平靜，總是說：“哦，我的天哪。”她很難主動說“我愛你”，但通過行動表達她的愛；通常是烘焙。她的雞肉麵條湯和餅乾非常有名。
My grandmother was in her eighties when we moved in. She had a ready smile, framed by a full head of white hair done up in a short, roller- set style. Her wardrobe consisted almost entirely of seventies era button-up shirts and polyester slacks, with dresses for Sundays. She always wore a housecoat at home and dressed up to go to the grocery store. She had a kind, calm voice, and would say, “Oh, my word,” about everything. She had a hard time initiating the words “I love you,” but showed her love through her actions; usually by baking. She was famous for her chicken noodle soup and her cookies.
Andrea幫助奶奶做她自己已經無法完成的事情，包括做飯、打掃、穿衣和洗澡。我很快找到了一份建築工作，在往返工地和實際工作之間，我經常一天超過十二個小時不在家。不過，我們總是一起吃晚飯。奶奶稱之為“晚餐”。那些我們共度的夜晚是珍貴的回憶。
Andrea helped Grandma with tasks that she could no longer do herself. That included cooking, cleaning, dressing, and showering. I quickly found a job in construction, and between traveling to job sites and the actual work, I was often gone more than twelve hours a day. We always had dinner together, though. Grandma called it “supper.” Those evenings we had together are treasured memories.
長大後，我總是把奶奶視為嚴厲的權威人物。她總是讓我們做應該做的事：在家脫鞋、洗手、吃完盤子裡的東西，幫爺爺做家務。但現在和她住在一起，我能看到她性格的另一面。我了解到她有一個充滿抱負和成就的生活。
Growing up, I always thought of my grandma as a strict authoritarian figure. She was always after us to do what we were supposed to: take off our shoes in the house, wash our hands, eat everything on our plate, and help Grandpa with his chores. Living with her now, though, I was able to see a different side of her personality. I learned that she had had a life full of aspirations and achievements.
她是一對同卵雙胞胎，她和她的妹妹Dora一生都是最好的朋友，什麼事都一起做。她們出生於1918年，三個月後她們的父親離開去比利時和法國的戰壕中參加第一次世界大戰。一天晚上，她給Andrea和我講述了她們出生那天的故事。
She was an identical twin, and she and her sister, Dora, had been best friends who did everything together throughout their lives. They were born in 1918, three months after their father left to fight in the trenches of Belgium and France in World War I. One evening, she told Andrea and me the story of the day they were born.
“爸爸在前線的戰壕裡，兩張面孔出現在他面前。六個月後，他發現兩個活潑、圓滾滾的女孩出生了。”
“Daddy was in a trench on the front lines, and two faces appeared to him. Six months later he found out that two bouncy, round baby girls were born.”
奶奶和Dora在星谷的一個農場長大，沒有室內管道、電力或電話。他們就讀於星谷高中，在那裡她們在《哈克貝利·費恩》的學校演出中扮演一個角色，每一幕輪流上場。她笑著說她們作為雙胞胎有多麼有趣，還告訴我們她們經常捉弄男朋友。
Grandma and Dora grew up on a farm in Star Valley without indoor plumbing, electricity, or telephones. They attended Star Valley High School, where they shared a role in the school performance of Huckleberry Finn, taking turns in each act. She laughed about how much fun they had as twins and told us how they often fooled their boyfriends.
Dona和Dora參加了一個當地電視廣告，作為當地一家割草機公司的代言人。奶奶還曾擔任電話接線員，但這份工作讓她非常緊張，不得不辭職。
Dona and Dora were in a local television commercial, acting as spokeswomen for a local lawnmower company. Grandma also worked as a telephone switchboard operator, but the job made her so nervous that she had to quit.
其他經歷包括在五金店、服裝店和禮品店工作。她最喜歡的工作是在星谷乳品廠，包裝奶油塊，每磅四塊。
Other experiences included working in a hardware store, a clothing store, and a gift shop. Her favorite job was at the Star Valley creamery, where she wrapped butter squares, four squares per pound.
我們幾乎每晚都在交談。她喜歡我們給她的機會，讓她與人分享她的生活故事。
We spent nearly every night in conversation. She loved the chance we gave her to share her life stories with someone.
我們搬進去大約一個月後，奶奶的雙胞胎姐妹去世了。奶奶之後變得非常沮喪，她的健康迅速惡化。她的背部疼痛，開始失去腿部的感覺。她大部分時間都坐在躺椅上。Andrea幫助她洗澡、上廁所，每天給她按摩腿。此外，她還負責所有的家務和烹飪。讓奶奶吃東西是一個挑戰，需要不斷勸說。她經常在半夜叫Andrea幫忙。
About a month after we moved in, Grandma’s twin sister died. Grandma became very depressed after that, and her health declined rapidly. Her back hurt, and she began to lose feeling in her legs. She would sit in her reclining chair most of the day. Andrea helped her bathe and use the toilet and massaged her legs every day. In addition, she would do all of the house cleaning and cooking. It was a struggle to get Grandma to eat, and she required constant coaxing. She would often call for help from Andrea in the middle of the night.
當奶奶的雙胞胎姐妹去世時，她感覺失去了自己的一部分，難以應對她的離世。我考慮到分享我自己的死亡經歷可能會幫助她找到平靜。
Grandma felt as if she had lost part of herself when her twin sister died and struggled to cope with her death. I considered that relating my own experience with death might help bring her peace.
一天晚飯後，我說：“奶奶，你知道嗎，我曾經死過，然後又被帶回來。”
One night after dinner I said, “You know, Grandma, I died and was brought back.”
“我聽說過這件事，”她說。
“I heard about that,” she said.
“你想知道更多嗎？”
“Do you want to know more about that?”
她在空中揮了揮手。“不，這都是胡說。”我還是想告訴她更多，但靈魂總是告訴我不要。
She waved her hand in the air. “No, it’s all phooey.” I wanted to tell her more anyway, but Spirit always told me no.
幾週過去了。我們一起度過了感恩節，並為聖誕節做準備。Andrea忙著做奶奶如果能做的話會做的所有事情。感恩節意味著準備一整桌的火雞、土豆、紅薯和傳統感恩節晚餐的所有其他食物，儘管唯一的客人是我媽媽和我的姑姑Dawnette。
Weeks went by. We spent Thanksgiving together and prepared for Christmas. Andrea stayed busy doing all the things that Grandma would have done if she had been able to. Thanksgiving meant preparing a full spread of turkey, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and everything else in a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, even though the only guests were my mom and my aunt Dawnette.
我們花了好幾天為鄰居烹製美食。我裝飾了樹，Andrea用奶奶幾十年來收集的裝飾品裝飾它。每個裝飾品在樹上都有指定的位置，必須放得恰到好處。
We spent days cooking treats for the neighbors. I set up the tree, and Andrea decorated it with ornaments Grandma had collected over the decades. Each ornament had its designated spot on the tree and had to be positioned just so.
奶奶對清潔非常講究，所以當Andrea不在做飯或照顧奶奶的需要時，她會在客廳裡由奶奶指導下度過一天的清潔和整理工作。她的一項任務是整理一組檔案櫃，扔掉那些已經不再重要的舊文件。
Grandma was fastidious about cleaning, so when Andrea wasn’t cooking or tending to Grandma’s needs, she would spend her days cleaning and organizing, directed by Grandma from her chair in the living room. One of her tasks was going through a set of filing cabinets, throwing away old papers that didn’t matter anymore.
奶奶有保存報紙剪報的習慣，裡面有關於她認識的人的故事，並從懷俄明州Afton的報紙上收集了一生的故事。在這個小農村社區，大家都認識彼此。每當有出生、死亡或畢業公告時，她都會保存下來。牛仔競賽是Afton農村和鄉村生活的中心，爺爺曾是一名冠軍割草機賽車手，兩匹馬拉著一輛小戰車繞著賽道跑。她還會保存年度州博覽會的冠軍新聞、牛仔競賽的勝利以及農村生活中其他有趣的事情。
Grandma had a habit of saving newspaper clippings with stories about people she knew and had collected a lifetime of stories from the Afton, Wyoming, newspaper. In the small farming community, everyone knew everyone else. Any time there was a birth, death, or graduation announcement, she would save it. Rodeos were central to farm and country life in Afton, and Grandpa had been a champion cutter racer, where a pair of horses pull a small chariot around a track. She would also save news about champions from the annual state fair, rodeo wins, and other items of interest in farm country life.
聖誕節前幾天，當Andrea在清理另一個抽屜時，她發現了一個舊的栗色仿皮活頁夾，裡面裝滿了文件夾和文件套。當她翻閱這些舊頁面時，其中一份文件引起了她的注意。那是一份祝福的記錄，給予了山谷中最初的定居者之一——Charles Drake Cazier。他被教會領袖任命為山谷中幾個會眾的領導者。德雷克覺得自己不夠資格或能力承擔如此多的責任，於是向另一位被稱為“族長”的當地領袖尋求建議——一位負責在同一地區給予啟發性祝福的人。
A few days before Christmas, as Andrea was clearing out another drawer, she discovered an old maroon, faux-leather binder full of folders and document sleeves. As she thumbed through the old pages, one of the documents caught her eye. It was the transcript of a blessing that was given to one of the original settlers in the valley—Charles Drake Cazier. He had been called by church leaders to oversee the leadership of several congregations in the valley. Drake did not feel qualified or capable enough for so much responsibility and had sought counsel from another local leader who was called a “patriarch”—someone tasked with giving inspired blessings to people in that same area.
我一回家，Andrea就把這份文件給我看。祝福中說德雷克將成為他的血親以及其他需要他愛和幫助的人從此生過渡到來世的指導者或護送者。
Andrea showed me the paper as soon as I got home. The blessing said that Drake was going to be a guide, or escort, for those of his blood, as well as others who needed his love and assistance in transition from this life to the next.
這是關於我的指導者德雷克的又一個非凡的確認。他是一位多麼出色的指導者。我從未感受到一絲評判，沒有一個惡意的想法，沒有一個負面的感覺。如果有的話，我會感受到的。他所表達的一切，我從他那裡感受到的一切，都是純粹的、無條件的、明確的愛。
Here was another remarkable confirmation about my guide, Drake. What a wonderful guide he had been. I never felt one inkling of judgment, not a single malicious thought, not one negative feeling. I would have felt it if there was. All he ever expressed, all I ever felt from him, was pure, unconditional, and unequivocal love.
我很高興能與奶奶分享這個祝福和我的經歷。我等著她心情好的那一天。聖誕節對每個人來說都是快樂的一天，充滿了朋友和家人的拜訪。那天晚上，在興奮的情緒平息下來，訪客們在房子的其他地方忙碌時，Andrea和我坐下來和奶奶談話。我給她看了德雷克的祝福，解釋他是我的指導者。我告訴她他教給我的所有奇妙的事情。
I was excited to share the blessing and my experience with my grandmother. I waited for a day when she was in good spirits. Christmas Day was a happy day for everyone, full of visiting friends and family. That evening, after the excitement had settled down and our visitors were busy in other parts of the house, Andrea and I sat down with my grandmother. I showed her Drake’s blessing and explained that he had been my guide. I told her about all the wondrous things he had taught me.
當我說完後，奶奶只是靜靜地坐著，凝視著遠方。然後她打開心扉告訴我們，她一直擔心她的一位家人。她非常愛那個人，但他們過得很艱難，做出了一些決定，讓人覺得他們注定要去我們傳統上認為的地獄。她對這個她深愛的人的未來深感擔憂和痛苦。
When I finished, Grandma just sat silently as she stared off into the distance. Then she opened up and told us that she had been concerned about one of her family members. She loved that person dearly, but they had had a hard life and made some decisions that made it appear that they were destined for what we traditionally consider hell. She was deeply and bitterly worried about the future of this person that she loved so deeply.
“奶奶，”我解釋道，“這個偉大的人類實驗就是地獄。但這不是我們的終點。這裡的生活只是訓練場。在另一邊，我們中最糟糕的人會變得更好，而最好的人會變得更偉大。我們都會盡可能快地成長和進步。”
“Grandma,” I explained, “this grand human experiment is hell. But it isn’t our final destination. Life here is only a training ground. On the other side, the worst of us become better, and the best of us become greater. We all grow and progress as much and as fast as we are able.”
當她反思我與她分享的內容時，我們一起坐在那裡沉默。我心中仍有一個燃燒的問題，等了幾分鐘後，我問：“你能告訴我關於德雷克的任何事情嗎？任何事情都可以。”
We sat together in silence as she reflected on what I had shared with her. I still had a question burning inside of me, and after waiting several minutes, I asked, “Is there anything you can tell me about Drake? Anything at all?”
奶奶深深地回憶起她早年的記憶。“我小時候見過他。非常小的時候。但我仍然記得每當他抱著我時，他會看著我的眼睛。我總是覺得那些藍眼睛能看穿我的靈魂。”
Grandma looked deep into her early memories. “I met him when I was a little girl. Very little. But I still remember that whenever he held me, he would look into my eyes. I always felt that those blue eyes could just see inside my soul.”
我完全明白她的意思。我也有過同樣的經歷，就像那樣。
I knew exactly what she meant. I had experienced it, too, just like that.
這是第三次確認我在我們之外的世界中的時間是真實的。第一次是看到德雷克的照片。第二次是他得到的祝福。現在在這裡，我的奶奶，她在這一生中認識他，描述他就像我在下一個世界中經歷的那樣。
It was a third confirmation that my time in the world beyond ours was real. The first was seeing the photo of Drake. The second was the blessing he had been given. And now here, my grandmother, who had known him in this life, described him just as I had experienced him in the next one.
奶奶花了一段時間來消化我向她解釋的關於審判和來世的事情，上帝永遠不會放棄我們中的任何一個，但最終她能夠接受這個想法，即上帝為她的家人安排了一條特殊的道路，無論如何他們都會好好的。一旦她接受了這個真相，我們看到她的情緒和身體上都發生了變化。隨著時間的推移，她的背不再疼痛，腿部的感覺開始恢復。
It took my grandmother a while to process what I explained to her about judgment and the next life, that God will not give up on any of us, ever, but eventually she was able to embrace the idea that God had a special path for her family member, and they were going to be fine no matter what. Once she accepted that truth, we saw a change in her, both emotionally and physically. Over time, her back stopped hurting her, and feeling started to return to her legs.
第二十章：多娜奶奶
Chapter 20: Grandma Dona
我和安德莉亞一個月後結婚。幾個月前，我的公司在阿拉斯加競標了一個定制住宅的框架項目，婚禮後兩週，我和老闆前往阿拉斯加費爾班克斯履行一個月的合同。到達後，總承包商請我們再框架第二棟房子，將工作延長到兩個月。我們每天工作超過十小時，每週六天。
Andrea and I were married a month later. A few months earlier, my company had bid on a project to frame a custom home in Alaska, and two weeks after our wedding, my boss and I were off to Fairbanks, Alaska, to fulfill that one-month contract. After we arrived, the general contractor asked us to frame a second home, too, which stretched the job to two months. We worked over ten hours a day, six days a week.
那裡沒有手機訊號，所以每天結束後，我會在酒店外的公用電話與安德莉亞通話。我們的談話持續時間取決於我能在寒冷的阿拉斯加夜晚待在外面多久，通常是三十分鐘到一小時。這些談話點亮了我漫長單調的日子。儘管相距甚遠，我們的關係更親密了。
There was no cell phone reception in our area, so at the end of each day, I would talk to Andrea on a pay phone outside our hotel. Our conversations would last as long as I could stand being outside in the cold Alaska evenings, usually between thirty minutes and an hour. Our conversations brightened the monotony of my long days. Despite the distance, we grew closer.
遠離安德莉亞是巨大的掙扎。我再次感到與無條件的愛和喜悅分離。我遠離我想去的地方，困在一個偏遠、寒冷的地方每天辛苦工作，努力保持精神振奮。某種程度上，感覺像再次從死亡中回來。
Being away from Andrea was an enormous struggle. Once again, I felt cut off from unconditional love and separated from joy. I was far away from where I wanted to be, stuck in a remote, cold place working hard every day, and struggling to keep my spirits up. In some ways, it felt like I was coming back from the dead all over again.
雖然我多麼希望安德莉亞能與我同在，但我們探索的每條讓她來阿拉斯加的路都走不通。雖然當時很痛苦，但分離的時間教會我們彼此的重要性，確保生活中的小問題不會妨礙我們的關係。
As much as I wished for Andrea to be with me, every avenue we explored to have her join me in Alaska led to a dead end. Though it was painful at the time, our time apart taught us how important we were to each other and helped us to make sure the little issues of life didn’t get in the way of our relationship.
我急於回家，最後三週我們每天工作十二小時，每週七天。還有最後一週時，安德莉亞說我爸想與我討論一些事。我們安排了通話時間。
I was anxious to get back home, and the last three weeks of the project we worked twelve-hour days, seven days a week. I had one week left when Andrea said that my dad wanted to discuss something with me. We arranged a time to talk.
「阿拉斯加怎麼樣？」他問。「我在那裡時愛釣魚。你喜歡釣魚嗎？」
“How’s Alaska?” he asked. “I loved the fishing when I was up there. How do you like the fishing?”
「沒時間釣魚，」我說。「我一直在工作。」
“There’s no time for fishing,” I said. “I’ve just been working the whole time.”
「哦，真可惜。在那裡試試釣魚吧。」我還在想他為什麼打電話。「一切都好吗？」
“Oh, that’s too bad. Try to do some fishing while you’re up there.” I was still wondering why he called. “Is everything okay?”
「我們沒事，」他說。「但奶奶的情況不好。她的健康開始衰退。她厭倦了與你叔叔一起生活，對此很固執。她真的想搬回阿夫頓的家，但她在那裡會獨自一人。你媽和我正在問有沒有人能去幫她度過生命的最後幾個月。你和安德莉亞願意和她一起住吗？我知道這要求很多，但這能讓她回家。」
“We’re fine,” he said. “But Grandma’s struggling. Her health is starting to wane. She’s tired of living with your uncle, and she’s getting really obstinate about it. She really wants to move back home to Afton, but she’d be all alone up there. Your mom and I are asking around to see if anyone could go and help her live out the last few months of her life. Would you and Andrea be willing to stay with her? I know that’s asking a lot, but it would allow her to go back home.”
這是個很大的要求。最終，我說：「我這邊快完成了，很快會回家。我會和安德莉亞談談。」
It was a lot to ask. Finally, I said, “I’m almost done up here and will be back home soon. I’ll talk to Andrea about it.”
「謝謝你，兒子。」「沒問題。我愛你，爸。」「我也愛你。」
“I appreciate it. Thanks, son.” “Sure thing. I love you, Dad.” “I love you, too.”
我立刻打給安德莉亞，告訴她我與父親的談話。我們決定祈禱尋求指引。祈禱後，我們都感到指引去星谷與我祖母同住，無論需要多久。
I immediately called Andrea and told her about my conversation with my father. We decided to pray for guidance. When we did, we both felt guided to live with my grandmother in Star Valley for however long we were needed there.
我十月中旬回到猶他。我和安德莉亞花了一週時間打包我們的少量物品，然後在萬聖節前幾天開車四小時北上到阿夫頓。
I returned to Utah in the middle of October. Andrea and I spent a week packing up our few possessions, then drove four hours north to Afton a few days before Halloween.
多娜奶奶的房子和我記憶中一樣。兩千平方英尺的兩層磚房有四間臥室，沒有地下室。建於1950年代，是奶奶幾乎整個婚姻生活居住的地方。
Grandma Dona’s house was just as I remembered it. The two thousand square foot, two-story brick home had four bedrooms and no basement. It had been built in the 1950s and was where Grandma had lived for almost all of her married life.
我們把行李搬進去，安頓下來。房子有小屋的感覺；樓下的房間覆蓋著木板牆。地毯是1970年代的棕色絨毛地毯，有明暗斑塊。房子由一個油燃燒爐供暖，位於幾十年前取代的柴火爐的同一位置。
We carried our belongings inside and settled in. The house had a cabin feel; the downstairs rooms were covered in wood paneling. The carpet was vintage 1970s brown pile, with light and dark patches. It was heated by an oil burning stove that sat in the same spot as the wood burning stove it had replaced decades before.
我們搬進去時，奶奶八十多歲。她總是面帶笑容，白髮滿頭，梳理成短捲髮風格。她的衣櫥幾乎全是七十年代的扣襯衫和聚酯褲，週日穿裙子。她在家總穿家居服，去雜貨店才打扮。她聲音溫和，總說「哦，我的天」，對任何事都這樣。她很難主動說「我愛你」，但通過行動表達愛；通常是烘焙。她以雞湯麵和餅乾聞名。
My grandmother was in her eighties when we moved in. She had a ready smile, framed by a full head of white hair done up in a short, roller- set style. Her wardrobe consisted almost entirely of seventies era button-up shirts and polyester slacks, with dresses for Sundays. She always wore a housecoat at home and dressed up to go to the grocery store. She had a kind, calm voice, and would say, “Oh, my word,” about everything. She had a hard time initiating the words “I love you,” but showed her love through her actions; usually by baking. She was famous for her chicken noodle soup and her cookies.
安德莉亞幫奶奶做她無法自己完成的工作，包括烹飪、清潔、穿衣和洗澡。我很快找到一份建築工作，往返工地加上實際工作，我每天往往離家超過十二小時。不過，我們總是一起吃晚餐，奶奶叫它「晚飯」。那些共度的夜晚是珍貴的回憶。
Andrea helped Grandma with tasks that she could no longer do herself. That included cooking, cleaning, dressing, and showering. I quickly found a job in construction, and between traveling to job sites and the actual work, I was often gone more than twelve hours a day. We always had dinner together, though. Grandma called it “supper.” Those evenings we had together are treasured memories.
小時候，我總覺得奶奶是嚴格的權威人物。她總是要求我們做該做的事：進屋脫鞋、洗手、吃光盤子裡的東西、幫爺爺做家務。但現在與她同住，我看到了她性格的另一面。我得知她有充滿抱負和成就的人生。
Growing up, I always thought of my grandma as a strict authoritarian figure. She was always after us to do what we were supposed to: take off our shoes in the house, wash our hands, eat everything on our plate, and help Grandpa with his chores. Living with her now, though, I was able to see a different side of her personality. I learned that she had had a life full of aspirations and achievements.
她是同卵雙胞胎，她和妹妹朵拉是終生的最好朋友，無所不一起。她們1918年出生，父親在第一次世界大戰中前往比利時和法國戰壕三個月後。一天晚上，她向我和安德莉亞講述她們出生的故事。
She was an identical twin, and she and her sister, Dora, had been best friends who did everything together throughout their lives. They were born in 1918, three months after their father left to fight in the trenches of Belgium and France in World War I. One evening, she told Andrea and me the story of the day they were born.
「爸爸在戰壕前線，兩個面孔出現在他面前。六個月後他發現兩個活潑圓潤的女嬰出生了。」
“Daddy was in a trench on the front lines, and two faces appeared to him. Six months later he found out that two bouncy, round baby girls were born.”
奶奶和朵拉在星谷的農場長大，沒有室內水管、電或電話。她們在星谷高中就讀，在學校的《哈克貝利·費恩》演出中分享角色，每幕輪流。她笑著說做雙胞胎多有趣，還告訴我們她們如何常騙男友。
Grandma and Dora grew up on a farm in Star Valley without indoor plumbing, electricity, or telephones. They attended Star Valley High School, where they shared a role in the school performance of Huckleberry Finn, taking turns in each act. She laughed about how much fun they had as twins and told us how they often fooled their boyfriends.
多娜和朵拉曾在當地電視廣告中為一家割草機公司代言。奶奶還做過電話交換台操作員，但這份工作讓她太緊張而辭職。
Dona and Dora were in a local television commercial, acting as spokeswomen for a local lawnmower company. Grandma also worked as a telephone switchboard operator, but the job made her so nervous that she had to quit.
其他經歷包括在五金店、服裝店和禮品店工作。她最喜歡的工作是在星谷乳品廠包裝黃油，每磅四塊。
Other experiences included working in a hardware store, a clothing store, and a gift shop. Her favorite job was at the Star Valley creamery, where she wrapped butter squares, four squares per pound.
我們幾乎每晚都在談話。她愛我們給她機會分享人生故事。
We spent nearly every night in conversation. She loved the chance we gave her to share her life stories with someone.
搬進去約一個月後，奶奶的雙胞胎妹妹去世。之後奶奶非常沮喪，健康迅速下降。她的背痛，腿開始失去知覺。她整天坐在躺椅上。安德莉亞幫她洗澡、上廁所，每天按摩她的腿。此外，她還做所有家務和烹飪。讓奶奶吃飯很困難，需要不斷哄勸。她常在半夜呼叫安德莉亞幫忙。
About a month after we moved in, Grandma’s twin sister died. Grandma became very depressed after that, and her health declined rapidly. Her back hurt, and she began to lose feeling in her legs. She would sit in her reclining chair most of the day. Andrea helped her bathe and use the toilet and massaged her legs every day. In addition, she would do all of the house cleaning and cooking. It was a struggle to get Grandma to eat, and she required constant coaxing. She would often call for help from Andrea in the middle of the night.
奶奶覺得妹妹去世後失去了一部分自己，難以應對她的死亡。我考慮分享我的死亡經歷或許能帶給她平靜。
Grandma felt as if she had lost part of herself when her twin sister died and struggled to cope with her death. I considered that relating my own experience with death might help bring her peace.
一天晚餐後我說：「奶奶，你知道我死了又被救回來。」
One night after dinner I said, “You know, Grandma, I died and was brought back.”
「我聽說了，」她說。
“I heard about that,” she said.
「你想知道更多吗？」
“Do you want to know more about that?”
她揮手說：「不，都是胡扯。」我想多說，但靈魂總說不。
She waved her hand in the air. “No, it’s all phooey.” I wanted to tell her more anyway, but Spirit always told me no.
幾週過去。我們一起過感恩節，準備聖誕節。安德莉亞忙於做奶奶原本會做的事。感恩節準備了全套火雞、馬鈴薯、甜薯等傳統晚餐，儘管只有我媽和姑姑唐妮特來。
Weeks went by. We spent Thanksgiving together and prepared for Christmas. Andrea stayed busy doing all the things that Grandma would have done if she had been able to. Thanksgiving meant preparing a full spread of turkey, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and everything else in a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, even though the only guests were my mom and my aunt Dawnette.
我們花幾天為鄰居烤點心。我架起聖誕樹，安德莉亞用奶奶幾十年收集的裝飾品裝飾，每個裝飾品都有指定位置，必須精確放置。
We spent days cooking treats for the neighbors. I set up the tree, and Andrea decorated it with ornaments Grandma had collected over the decades. Each ornament had its designated spot on the tree and had to be positioned just so.
奶奶對清潔很挑剔，所以安德莉亞不在做飯或照顧奶奶時，就在客廳奶奶的椅子指揮下清潔和整理。其中一項任務是清理文件櫃，扔掉不重要的舊文件。
Grandma was fastidious about cleaning, so when Andrea wasn’t cooking or tending to Grandma’s needs, she would spend her days cleaning and organizing, directed by Grandma from her chair in the living room. One of her tasks was going through a set of filing cabinets, throwing away old papers that didn’t matter anymore.
奶奶有保存報紙剪報的習慣，收集她認識的人的故事，來自阿夫頓的報紙。在這個小農村社群，大家都認識彼此。每次有出生、死亡或畢業公告，她都保存。馬術比賽是阿夫頓農村生活的核心，爺爺曾是冠軍切割賽車手，兩匹馬拉著小戰車繞賽道。她也保存州博覽會、馬術比賽勝利等農村生活的趣聞。
Grandma had a habit of saving newspaper clippings with stories about people she knew and had collected a lifetime of stories from the Afton, Wyoming, newspaper. In the small farming community, everyone knew everyone else. Any time there was a birth, death, or graduation announcement, she would save it. Rodeos were central to farm and country life in Afton, and Grandpa had been a champion cutter racer, where a pair of horses pull a small chariot around a track. She would also save news about champions from the annual state fair, rodeo wins, and other items of interest in farm country life.
聖誕節前幾天，安德莉亞清理另一個抽屜時，發現一個舊的栗色仿皮活頁夾，裡面裝滿文件夾和文件套。她翻閱舊頁面時，一份文件引起她的注意。那是給谷地原始定居者之一——查爾斯·德雷克·卡齊爾的祝福抄本。他被教會領袖召喚負責谷地幾個會眾的領導。德雷克覺得自己不夠資格或能力承擔如此重任，向另一位當地領袖——被稱為「族長」的人，負責給該地區的人啟發性祝福——尋求建議。
A few days before Christmas, as Andrea was clearing out another drawer, she discovered an old maroon, faux-leather binder full of folders and document sleeves. As she thumbed through the old pages, one of the documents caught her eye. It was the transcript of a blessing that was given to one of the original settlers in the valley—Charles Drake Cazier. He had been called by church leaders to oversee the leadership of several congregations in the valley. Drake did not feel qualified or capable enough for so much responsibility and had sought counsel from another local leader who was called a “patriarch”—someone tasked with giving inspired blessings to people in that same area.
安德莉亞一回家就給我看這份文件。祝福說德雷克將成為他血親及其他需要他愛與協助的人從今生到來世的引導者或護送者。
Andrea showed me the paper as soon as I got home. The blessing said that Drake was going to be a guide, or escort, for those of his blood, as well as others who needed his love and assistance in transition from this life to the next.
這是關於我的引導者德雷克的又一個驚人證實。他是多麼出色的引導者。我從未感受到一絲評判，沒有一個惡意想法，沒有一絲負面情緒。如果有，我會感覺到。他表達的、讓我感受到的，只有純粹、無條件、毫無保留的愛。
Here was another remarkable confirmation about my guide, Drake. What a wonderful guide he had been. I never felt one inkling of judgment, not a single malicious thought, not one negative feeling. I would have felt it if there was. All he ever expressed, all I ever felt from him, was pure, unconditional, and unequivocal love.
我興奮地想與奶奶分享這份祝福和我的經歷。我等到她心情好的一天。聖誕節是個快樂的日子，充滿來訪的朋友和家人。那晚，當興奮平靜下來，訪客在房子其他地方忙碌時，我和安德莉亞與奶奶坐下。我給她看德雷克的祝福，解釋他是我的引導者。我告訴她他教我的所有奇妙事物。
I was excited to share the blessing and my experience with my grandmother. I waited for a day when she was in good spirits. Christmas Day was a happy day for everyone, full of visiting friends and family. That evening, after the excitement had settled down and our visitors were busy in other parts of the house, Andrea and I sat down with my grandmother. I showed her Drake’s blessing and explained that he had been my guide. I told her about all the wondrous things he had taught me.
我說完後，奶奶只是靜靜地坐著，凝視遠方。然後她敞開心扉，說她一直在擔心一個家人。她深愛那個人，但他們生活艱難，做了些決定，讓她覺得他們註定要去我們傳統認為的地獄。她為這個深愛的人的未來深感痛苦。
When I finished, Grandma just sat silently as she stared off into the distance. Then she opened up and told us that she had been concerned about one of her family members. She loved that person dearly, but they had had a hard life and made some decisions that made it appear that they were destined for what we traditionally consider hell. She was deeply and bitterly worried about the future of this person that she loved so deeply.
「奶奶，」我解釋說，「這個偉大的人類實驗就是地獄。但它不是我們的最終目的地。這裡的生活只是訓練場。在另一邊，最壞的人會變好，最好的人會變得更偉大。我們都以自己的能力和速度成長和進步。」
“Grandma,” I explained, “this grand human experiment is hell. But it isn’t our final destination. Life here is only a training ground. On the other side, the worst of us become better, and the best of us become greater. We all grow and progress as much and as fast as we are able.”
我們靜靜地坐在一起，她反思我分享的內容。我內心還有一個問題燃燒，等待幾分鐘後，我問：「你能告訴我關於德雷克的任何事吗？任何事？」
We sat together in silence as she reflected on what I had shared with her. I still had a question burning inside of me, and after waiting several minutes, I asked, “Is there anything you can tell me about Drake? Anything at all?”
奶奶深入回想她的早期記憶。「我小時候見過他。很小的時候。但我還記得每次他抱我時，他會看著我的眼睛。我總覺得那雙藍眼睛能看進我的靈魂。」
Grandma looked deep into her early memories. “I met him when I was a little girl. Very little. But I still remember that whenever he held me, he would look into my eyes. I always felt that those blue eyes could just see inside my soul.”
我知道她在說什麼。我也體驗過，與她描述的完全一樣。
I knew exactly what she meant. I had experienced it, too, just like that.
這是我在另一邊世界的經歷真實的第三個證實。第一個是看到德雷克的照片。第二個是他得到的祝福。現在，我奶奶，她在今生認識他，描述的他與我在來世體驗的完全一致。
It was a third confirmation that my time in the world beyond ours was real. The first was seeing the photo of Drake. The second was the blessing he had been given. And now here, my grandmother, who had known him in this life, described him just as I had experienced him in the next one.
奶奶花了一些時間處理我關於評判和來世的解釋，明白上帝永遠不會放棄我們中的任何一個，但最終她接受了上帝為她的家人安排了特別路徑，他們會沒事的。當她接受這個真相後，我們看到她情感和身體上的變化。隨著時間，她背痛停止，腿部開始恢復知覺。
It took my grandmother a while to process what I explained to her about judgment and the next life, that God will not give up on any of us, ever, but eventually she was able to embrace the idea that God had a special path for her family member, and they were going to be fine no matter what. Once she accepted that truth, we saw a change in her, both emotionally and physically. Over time, her back stopped hurting her, and feeling started to return to her legs.