第16章：我那諷刺般的悲劇
Chapter 16: My Ironic Tragedy
我清晰地聽見弟弟的聲音從物質世界飄入，彷彿他正悄悄在我耳邊低語。他正在為我在醫院中的身體做一個特殊的祈禱——在我們的宗教中稱之為「祝福」。他說我將重獲完整，也會回來。
I could hear the voice of my brother speaking from the physical world, as if he was speaking directly into my ear. He was saying a special prayer—what we called a “blessing” in my religion—over my body in the hospital. He stated that I would become whole, and that I would come back.
當他以一句「阿們」結束祝福時，彷彿一條能量繩索纏繞住我，將我拉回身體。我所有的進步與所經歷的遙遠旅程，都在那瞬間隨著這股力量消散，令我重新回到自我之中。
As he completed the blessing with an “amen,” something that felt like a lasso of energy wrapped around me and pulled me back. All of the progress I had made, the incalculable distance I had traveled, disappeared in an instant as I was pulled back into my body.
弟弟的祝福是在1月20日星期一晚上9:30宣告的；隔天凌晨1:11，我便從昏迷中醒來。Drake 所說的痛苦不虛，我感覺彷彿全身被緊緊束縛在衣中。
My brother’s blessing was pronounced at 9:30 p.m. on Monday, January 20th. Tuesday morning at 1:11 a.m. I woke from my coma. Drake was right about it hurting. I felt like I was bound in a straitjacket.
出於本能，我猛地撕下身上附著的感應器，拔除縈繞喉間的管子，奮力甩掉纏繞在腦袋上的電極，並掙扎著撕下醫院病號服，試圖讓自己獲得自由。直到那刻，我才意識到束縛我的並非外界的設備，而是我自己的身體。
Acting on instinct, I ripped off the sensors attached to my body, pulled the tube out of my throat, and yanked free from the electrodes attached to my head. I ripped off my hospital gown trying to free myself. Then I realized what was causing my feeling of constraint: it was my body.
這段過渡的痛苦難以言喻，我突然清楚地感受到四周嘈雜的噪音，房間內機器尖銳地鳴響著警報。我從床上爬起，先將那些機器拔掉以止噪，然後抓起病號服繫於腰間。
It is difficult to fully describe the depth or pain of the transition. I was suddenly uncomfortably aware of the cacophony around me. The machines in the room blared alarms. I got out of bed and unplugged the machines to make the noise stop, then grabbed the hospital gown and wrapped it around my waist.
我奔出房間，沿著走廊狂奔，走廊盡頭是一部電梯。我焦急地不停按動電梯下行按鈕，完全不在乎目的地，只想趕快逃離。正當我一遍又一遍地按著按鈕時，我注意到一位護士正走進我的房間，但她在走廊遠端，未曾發現我。我暗自心想：「這部電梯怎麼這麼慢呢？」
I ran out of the room and down the hallway. At the end of the hall was an elevator. I frantically pushed the elevator button. I didn’t know where I was going, and I didn’t care. I just had to get out. I was pressing the elevator down button over and over when I saw a nurse walk into my room. She didn’t see me at the far end of the hall. What is taking this elevator so long? I thought.
護士大聲喊道：「Doris！」
The nurse shouted, “Doris!”
另一位護士走向病房，驚訝地倒吸一口氣。
Another nurse walked to the room. She gasped in surprise.
我莫名感知到房內的情況：第一位護士正翻找床下和房間四周，試圖找出她昏迷病人到底去了哪裡。
I somehow had an awareness of what was going on in my room. The first nurse was looking under the bed and around the room, trying to find where her coma patient had gone.
Doris 走出房間，眼神在走廊上下掃視。我心想：「我能不能跑下樓梯？我甚至不知道樓梯在哪裡。她一定會找到我的！」
Doris stepped back out of the room and looked up and down the hallways. I wondered, Can I run down the stairs? I don’t even know where the stairs are. She’s going to find me!”
接著 Doris 直視著我，此時我一手按著電梯按鈕，另一手把病號服繫在腰上。Doris 發出了一聲宛如恐怖電影般的尖叫，差點使我手中的病號服掉落。
Then Doris looked straight at me. I had one hand on the elevator button and the other holding the hospital gown around my waist. Doris screamed a full-throated horror movie scream. I almost dropped the gown.
另一位護士匆忙跑出我的房間，那兩位女士沿著走廊向我奔來。我雖然想再逃跑，但感受到她們真摯的擔憂，也知道如果我離開，她們會陷入麻煩。出於對她們的尊重，我決定不逃走，而是讓她們陪同我回房間。
The other nurse ran out of my room, and the two women ran down the hallway towards me. I thought about running again, but I could feel their worry, and I knew that they could get in trouble if I left. Out of respect for them, I couldn’t leave. I let them escort me back to my room.
我剛回到房間，不久值班醫生和資深護士便趕到，我不得不面對一連串的詢問。
The doctor and the senior nurse on duty arrived shortly after I returned to my room, and I had to answer a battery of questions.
「你怎麼了？」醫生問道。他比我矮，看起來大約五十多歲，用厚重的鏡片仔細端詳著我。
“What happened to you?” the doctor asked. He was shorter than me, perhaps in his mid-fifties. He scrutinized me through thick-lensed glasses.
「我不知道。」
“I don’t know.”
我能感覺到他十分不悅，似乎完全無法理解我的情況。他正試圖弄清這一切究竟是如何發生的，話還未等我回答，就又連續問了下一個問題。
I could sense that he was upset, and that nothing about my situation made sense to him. He was trying to figure out how this could have happened. He barely waited for a response before firing the next question at me.
「你知道今天是幾號嗎？」
“Do you know the date?” “No.”
「你已經昏迷三天了。你知道自己的名字嗎？」
“You’ve been unconscious for three days. Do you know your name?”
「Vinney Tolman。」這個問題我答對了。
“Vinney Tolman.” I got that one right. “Do you know your birth date?”
「九月七號。」這個我也答對了。
“September seventh.” I got that one right, too.
「你知道你是哪一年高中畢業的嗎？」
“Do you know the year you graduated high school?” “’96.” I was on a roll.
「現在是什麼年份？」
“What year is it?”
隨著提問不斷，護士們試圖重新將各種感應器和設備連接到我身上，但我總能以比她們重新裝上去更快的速度將它們全部扯下。我實在受不了任何東西觸碰我的皮膚。她們苦口婆心地請求我配合，最後我們達成妥協：只在我右臂繫上一個血壓袖帶，手上貼上兩個感應器。
As the questions continued, the nurses attempted to reconnect me to the sensors and devices, but I ripped everything off almost as fast as they could reattach it. I couldn’t stand the feel of anything against my skin. They pleaded with me to cooperate, and we finally settled on a truce with a blood pressure cuff on my right arm, and two sensors on my hand.
她們原本也想給我補充氧氣，因為我昏迷時的氧氣水平偏低，但氧氣感應器顯示我的氧氣值已經恢復正常，所以這項措施最終被放棄。
They also wanted to give me oxygen since my levels were low when I was in the coma, but the oxygen sensors indicated that my levels were back to normal, so they gave up that fight.
「看，我只想回家，」我說道。
“Look, I just want to go home,” I said.
「那真不是個好主意，」醫生堅持道，「我希望你能見見神經科和心臟科的專家。」
“That’s really not a good idea,” the doctor insisted. “I’d like you to meet with a neurologist and cardiologist.”
醫生轉向一位身穿粉紅色工作服的年輕護士，交代她安排一整套的血液檢測和其他相關測試。我之前從未看過她，但那一刻，我心中突然明白，她家裡一定有個幼兒。這也是我第一次意識到，我知道的許多事本不該知道。
The doctor turned to a young nurse in pink scrubs and gave her instructions for a full battery of blood work and other tests. I had never seen her before, but in that moment, I knew that she had a toddler at home. For the first time, I realized that I knew things that I had no reason to know.
「我只想回家，」我又說了一遍，但似乎沒有人再聆聽我的話。
“I just want to go home,” I repeated, but no one seemed to be listening to me anymore.
當醫生結束對護士的指示時，一名穿著醫院保安制服的男子走了進來，目的是確保我不會再次逃跑。他在房門口逗留了幾個小時，然後悄然離去，顯然認為我已不再具有逃跑風險。
By the time the doctor was done giving orders to the nurse, a man in a hospital security uniform arrived to make sure I wasn’t going to run again. He hung around the door for a couple of hours then wandered off without a word, apparently satisfied that I was no longer a flight risk.
我不斷按呼叫鈕，問護士我什麼時候才能離開，因為我實在看不出繼續住院有何理由。她們告訴我，是否出院並非由她們決定，一切有關出院的問題都必須交由醫生處理。
I kept pushing my call button to ask the nurses how soon I would be able to leave. I couldn’t see any reason to stay in the hospital. They told me that my release was not their decision and deferred any discussions about my discharge to the doctor.
當醫生終於回來時，他說：「我們真的希望你能再住上一兩天，好確保你完全恢復健康。」
When the doctor finally returned, he said, “We’d really like to keep you for another day or two, just to make sure you’re really okay.”
「不，謝謝。我真的想離開，」我回答。
“No, thank you. I really want to leave.”
醫生嘆了口氣，搖了搖頭，「我們需要你簽署出院同意書。」
The doctor sighed and shook his head. “We’ll need you to sign release forms.”
「只要能讓我離開這裡，我什麼都願意簽，」我說道。
“I’ll sign anything as long as it gets me out of here.”
接下來數個小時，護士們輪番盤問我，問題與醫生早先的問詢非常類似：我的住址是什麼？我出生在哪裡？我就讀哪所高中？彷彿她們試圖找出我話語中的矛盾，藉此證明我不適合回家。之後，她們又帶我進行了一次磁共振掃描，儘管只掃描了我的頭部，但卻令我感到極度幽閉恐懼。
The nursing staff quizzed me for several more hours, asking much the same type of questions as the doctor earlier: What was my address? Where was I born? Which high school did I attend? It seemed as if they were trying to catch me in a contradiction to prove that I wasn’t fit to go home. Then they ran me through an MRI scanner one more time, which made me feel especially claustrophobic, even though it only scanned my head.
凌晨5點換班時，一位神經科醫生走進了我的房間。
At the 5:00 a.m. shift change, a neurologist walked into my room.
「這是我的奇蹟男孩，」他說道，明顯對我充滿了驚嘆。「實在無法解釋你怎麼會還活著，也不明白你的大腦為何仍能正常運作。說實話，你本該早已死去，或至少變成植物人。這真是個絕對的奇蹟。」
“Here’s my miracle boy,” he said. He was clearly in awe of me. “There’s really no explanation as to why you’re alive, or why you still have a brain that works. You should be dead, or at least a vegetable. It’s an absolute miracle.”
那些事我全然不記得。自從去我好友 Rob 家後，便陷入了記憶的黑洞——連去 Dairy Queen 的情景也全無蹤跡。雖然我隱約知道曾有一段記憶，但卻無法拼湊出詳細內容。接下來的一個小時內，不停有醫生和護士接連走進來，來看那個曾經瀕臨死亡、昏迷了三天、卻又奇蹟般康復得好像什麼都沒發生的人。
I didn’t know any of that. I remembered nothing after going to my buddy Rob’s house. I couldn’t even remember going to Dairy Queen. It was like I had a black hole of memory: I knew that there was something there, but I had no idea what it was. After the next hour, I had a steady stream of visitors, with one doctor or nurse after another coming in to see the guy who had died, was in a coma for three days, and was now perfectly healthy as if nothing had happened.
最後，大約在早上六點過後，醫生和神經科醫師終於同意讓我出院。簽署了近四十份文件後，我辦理了出院手續。一位護士打電話給我父親，安排他來接我回家。說實話，他並不是我最理想的接送人；我與父親早已有多年疏離。
Finally, a little after 6:00 a.m., the doctors and neurologist signed off on my discharge. After signing nearly forty forms, I checked myself out of the hospital. A nurse called my father and arranged for him to drive me home. Honestly, he wasn’t my first choice for a ride. My father and I weren’t close. We hadn’t been for years.
一個小時後，我坐在醫院大廳的輪椅上等候接送。站在我身後的是一位瘦高的護工，他緊握著輪椅把手。由於在我昏迷期間，家人已把我的個人物品都帶走了，所以我只穿著一套醫院綠色的工作服，這是某位護工給我的。上衣合身，但褲子稍嫌緊繃。我在輪椅上不舒服地扭動身子，將雙腳往那雙醫院拖鞋裡滑得更深一些。
An hour later, I was sitting in a wheelchair in the hospital lobby, waiting for my ride. A tall, lanky orderly stood behind me, his hands gripping the wheelchair handles. My family had taken my personal possessions home while I was in a coma, so all I had to wear was a set of hospital-green scrubs that one of the orderlies gave me. The shirt fit well enough, but the pants were a little tight. I shifted uncomfortably in the wheelchair and slid my feet deeper into the hospital slippers.
當我看到父親駛入正門前的接送車道時，心中不由猛地一沉。我既不期待他的同情，亦不指望他因我還活著而露出欣慰的笑容；我只想趕緊回家，或許還會被迫回答一些尷尬的問題。我從輪椅上站起來，感謝那位護工後，便步行走向室外。
When I saw my dad drive into the pick-up lane in front of the main entrance, I felt a pit in my stomach. I didn’t expect sympathy from him, or even relief that I was alive. All I expected was a ride home, and maybe some awkward questions I didn’t want to answer. I stood up from the wheelchair, thanked the orderly, and walked outside.
父親停在路邊，還未熄火，他便從副駕駛席伸手推開車門。我默默爬上車，輕輕關上門。我們踏上回家的路後，父親終於打破沉默問道：「你還好嗎？」
My father pulled up to the curb and, without even killing the engine, reached across the passenger seat and pushed open the door. I silently climbed into the car and shut the door. We were on the road home when my dad finally broke the silence. “Are you okay?”
「恩，」我回應，語無倫次地只好答道，「你會沒事吧？」
“Yeah.” I didn’t know what else to say. “Are you going to be okay?”
「會的。」
“Yeah.”
「你今天打算去上班嗎？」這問題從父親口中說出，讓我並不感到意外。
“Are you going to work today?” The question didn’t surprise me, coming from my dad.
「我看不會吧。」
“I don’t think so.”
「那明天呢？」
“Are you going to work tomorrow?”
「大概會吧，」我回答，心想其實沒什麼理由不去上班。「Rob 怎麼樣？」我問道，「聽說他沒事了，還把胃抽空了。」
“Probably.” I didn’t see a reason not to. “How’s Rob?” I asked. “They said he’s fine. They pumped his stomach.”
我們的對話僅就此止步。後來我才得知，母親當時正出城照顧親戚，根本不知道我發生了什麼事。顯然，父親和哥哥在決定告訴她之前，一直在觀察我到底是生還還是命喪黃泉。隔天，我便如常回去上班。
That was the extent of our conversation. I found out later that my mother had been out of town caring for a relative and didn’t even know that anything had happened to me. Apparently, my dad and brother were waiting to see if I was going to live or die before telling her. I went back to work the next day.
星期三，我帶著忐忑來到公司，擔心老闆 Larry Gleim 如何看待我的回歸。沒有人告訴他我這段時間去了哪裡。Larry 一向勤奮，即便到了六十歲，依然能比建築團隊裡的任何人更賣力地工作。
I showed up at work on Wednesday, not sure how my boss, Larry Gleim, would react to my return. No one had told him where I was. Larry was a hard worker. Even in his sixties, he could out-work just about any one of his employees on his construction team.
我走進工地，四處尋找他。只見他轉頭向我這邊注目，用那厚重的眼鏡細細打量著我。
I walked onto the job site and sought him out. He turned his head in my direction and looked at me through his thick-framed glasses.
「哦，你竟然還活著。」他帶著嘲諷的語氣說道，「兩天沒打電話也沒露面，我以為你早就死了。」
“Oh, you’re still alive.” He said sardonically. “No call and no show for two days. I thought you were dead.”
「我確實死過，」我回答道。
“I was,” I said.
「什麼？」他不確定我是否在開玩笑，「如果我還有工作，我就會告訴你。」
“What?” He wasn’t sure if I was joking or not. “If I still have a job, I’ll tell you about it.”
他毫不猶豫地說：「當然，你還有工作，我們還有事情要做呢。」
He didn’t hesitate. “Of course, you have a job. We have work to do.”
除了聽到別人的說法外，我真的沒什麼可多說的。我倒是告訴他我在醫院醒來的過程，還向他展示了急救人員為我做氣管切開時的切口位置。
Other than what I’d heard from others, I really didn’t have much to tell him. I did tell him about waking up in the hospital, and I showed him where the paramedic made the incision for the tracheotomy.
幾天後，我與弟弟、他的女友、姐姐 Tami 以及她的兩個孩子，一起到 Orem 的 Wingers 用晚餐。正當晚餐漸入尾聲時，Tami 把我拉到一旁。
Several days later, I went out to dinner at Wingers in Orem with my brother and his girlfriend, my older sister Tami, and her two children. As dinner was winding down, Tami pulled me aside.
「你還記得有關死亡的事嗎？」她問。
“Do you remember anything about dying?” she asked.
我本能地認為，沒什麼可記得的，但她的提問卻激起了一股記憶洪流，就像深藏於硬碟中的一個檔案被打開，瞬間所有資訊都在我腦海中閃現出來。
Consciously, my thoughts were, no, nothing happened, but her question triggered a flood of memories. It was like a computer file hidden deep on a hard drive had been opened, and the information popped up onto the screen of my mind.
語言隨即湧出，我向她談起了我的靈性嚮導，解釋說我必須接受教育，才能回歸我們的根源，而我的嚮導正是教會了我所有必須知道的事。我告訴她，我見過天堂——那是一個真實存在的地方。
The words spilled out. I told her about my spirit guide. I explained to her that I had to be educated in order to return to where we come from, and my guide had taught me what I needed to know. I told her that I had seen heaven; that it was an actual place.
隨著話語流淌，我的情感也如洪水般湧現，站在餐廳中央，我的眼淚不自覺地流下。然而，在我講述自己「死」後的一切時，腦中也爆發出激烈的戰鬥：我是瘋了嗎？我真經歷過那一切，還是大腦胡思亂想的結果？
As the words flowed, so did my emotions. Standing in the middle of the restaurant, tears streamed down my cheeks. But even as I told her about what happened after I died, there was a battle going on inside my brain. Am I crazy? Did I really experience that or did my brain just make it up?
起初，Tami 顯得既驚訝又有些懷疑。當我結束敘述後，她只簡單道了一句：「那說得通。」看來她認為我的經歷與她預期的死後世界相符。之後，我們便和家人一起回到桌旁，好像從未談論過有關死後的一切。
At first, Tami acted surprised. And a little skeptical. When I finished my story, all she said was, “That makes sense.” She had decided that my experience aligned with what she expected to happen after this life. We went back to the table with the rest of the family as though we hadn’t had a conversation about life after dying.
晚餐後，我獨自坐在車裡，狠狠地責罵自己：「你這個笨蛋，」我心想，「你怎麼會跟她說出來呢？」內心深處傳來一個強烈的聲音回答：「因為那確實發生過。」
After dinner, sitting alone in my car, I berated myself. You idiot. I thought. Why did you tell her? A powerful voice inside of me responded, “Because that’s what happened.”
我現在正面對著一種全新的內心鬥爭，不斷收到周遭人物的靈性感應，我能感知到那些看不見的事物。這一切都不正常——是大腦出了問題嗎？還是我快要瘋了？
I was now fighting a new kind of struggle. I kept getting spiritual impressions about the people around me. I could sense things that I couldn’t see. It wasn’t normal. Had there been brain damage? Was I going insane?
我也覺得自己無法將這些告訴任何人，因為擔心會被人批判或稱作瘋子。
I also felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I was worried about people judging me or calling me crazy.
最令我不安的是，我竟渴望結束自己的生命。我不斷想像自己能「意外」結束生命的方法，但又不敢真正計劃自殺。每當腦海浮現這樣的念頭時，我都感覺到那些念頭散發的能量正與我渴望回歸的感覺截然相反。雖然這使我避免自我傷害，但我再也覺得自己的身體不是家，我渴望回到真實的世界，而非這個虛假的幻影。更讓我感到恐懼的是：如果那個真實世界不存在呢？如果這一切都是我想像的，而只有這虛幻一體，這無疑就像是一種地獄。
Most disturbing of all was that I wanted my life to be over. I found myself imagining ways that I could “accidentally” end my life. I didn’t dare make plans to commit suicide. Any time my thoughts strayed in that direction, I could feel that the energy of those thoughts was the exact opposite of what I wanted to return to. While that kept me from harming myself, I no longer felt at home in my own skin, and I longed to return home to live in the real world, not this counterfeit of it. More terrifying was the fear of what if it didn’t exist? What if I imagined it and this was all there was? That would be a form of hell.
我決定自己需要尋求專業協助，便預約與一位心理學家談話。當我們見面時，我敞開心扉，把整個經歷都告訴了他。他告訴我，這很可能只是因缺氧而使大腦填補空白所產生的幻覺，並表示自己無法真正幫我解決問題，於是轉介我去看精神科醫生。
I decided that I needed professional help. I made an appointment to talk to a psychologist. When we met, I opened up and shared my entire experience with him. He replied that it was probably just my brain filling in the gaps due to lack of oxygen. He told me that it was beyond his ability to help me and referred me to a psychiatrist. When I spoke with the psychiatrist, I shared my experience with him, too.
「Vinney，好吧，」他說道，「看起來你正患有妄想症，這一切都是你腦海中自行幻想出來的。」
“Well, Vinney,” he said. “It appears that you are suffering from delusions. All of this is happening in your mind.”
我內心卻本能地拒絕接受他的結論，我知道他錯了。最終，我屈服於那些湧入心頭的靈性感應，「那麼，為什麼我會知道這些事？為什麼我會知道——」
Something inside of me resisted his conclusion. He was wrong, and I knew it. I finally surrendered to the spiritual impressions that pressed in on me. “Then why do I know these things? Why do I know that—”
我開始將有關他的某些信息傾瀉而出，這些訊息以極快的速度湧入我的腦海——那些我本不該知道的事；只有他自己才知道的私事和隱藏在心中的想法。
I proceeded to share information about him that poured into my brain as fast as I could say it—things that I should not have known about. Personal things that only he knew about his life, and thoughts that he kept inside.
無論我說什麼，都觸動了精神科醫生。他突然臉紅，站起身，指著門怒斥道：「離開我的診室，我再也不想見到你！」
Whatever I said triggered the psychiatrist. He suddenly turned red, stood, and pointed at the door. “Get the out of my office. I never want to see you again.”
我驚愕地停下來，不再說話，收拾好自己的東西，向門口走去。
Stunned, I stopped talking, gathered my things, and moved for the door.
當我走出房間時，他說：「你身上發生了些事，沒有人能知道那麼多秘密。」說完後，他幾乎是把門狠狠關上。
As I walked out, he said, “Something happened to you. There’s no way anyone could know those things.” He practically slammed the door behind me.
他的接待員顯得十分慌張，「非常抱歉，我從來沒見過他這樣失控，你到底說了什麼？」
His receptionist was mortified. “I’m so sorry. I’ve never seen him act like that before. What did you say?”
「我不知道，」我回答後離開了診室。
“I don’t know,” I said. I left the office.
我感覺到，人生中最糟糕的事，莫過於被「復活」。
I felt that the worst thing that had ever happened in my life was being brought back to life.
第十六章：我的諷刺悲劇
Chapter 16: My Ironic Tragedy
我能聽到我兄弟的聲音從物質世界傳來，彷彿他正直接在我耳邊說話。他正在為我在醫院的身體說一個特別的祈禱——在我的宗教中我們稱之為「祝福」。他說我會變得完整，並且我會回來。
I could hear the voice of my brother speaking from the physical world, as if he was speaking directly into my ear. He was saying a special prayer—what we called a “blessing” in my religion—over my body in the hospital. He stated that I would become whole, and that I would come back.
當他以「阿門」結束祝福時，感覺像是一道能量的套索纏繞著我，將我拉回。所有我所取得的進展，所有我所走過的不可計量的距離，瞬間消失，因為我被拉回到我的身體裡。
As he completed the blessing with an “amen,” something that felt like a lasso of energy wrapped around me and pulled me back. All of the progress I had made, the incalculable distance I had traveled, disappeared in an instant as I was pulled back into my body.
我兄弟的祝福是在1月20日星期一晚上9:30宣告的。星期二早上1:11，我從昏迷中醒來。德瑞克說得對，這是會很痛的。我感覺自己像是被束縛在夾克裡。
My brother’s blessing was pronounced at 9:30 p.m. on Monday, January 20th. Tuesday morning at 1:11 a.m. I woke from my coma. Drake was right about it hurting. I felt like I was bound in a straitjacket.
出於本能，我撕掉了附在我身上的感應器，拔出了喉嚨裡的管子，並從我頭上的電極中掙脫出來。我撕掉了我的醫院病服，試圖讓自己自由。然後我意識到造成我束縛感的原因：是我的身體。
Acting on instinct, I ripped off the sensors attached to my body, pulled the tube out of my throat, and yanked free from the electrodes attached to my head. I ripped off my hospital gown trying to free myself. Then I realized what was causing my feeling of constraint: it was my body.
很難完全描述這一過渡的深度或痛苦。我突然不舒服地意識到周圍的喧囂。房間裡的機器發出警報聲。我下床，拔掉機器的插頭以停止噪音，然後抓起醫院病服，裹在腰間。
It is difficult to fully describe the depth or pain of the transition. I was suddenly uncomfortably aware of the cacophony around me. The machines in the room blared alarms. I got out of bed and unplugged the machines to make the noise stop, then grabbed the hospital gown and wrapped it around my waist.
我衝出房間，沿著走廊跑去。走廊的盡頭有一部電梯。我瘋狂地按下電梯按鈕。我不知道自己要去哪裡，也不在乎。我只想出去。當我一遍又一遍地按下電梯的下行按鈕時，我看到一位護士走進我的房間。她沒有看到走廊遠處的我。這部電梯怎麼這麼慢？我心想。
I ran out of the room and down the hallway. At the end of the hall was an elevator. I frantically pushed the elevator button. I didn’t know where I was going, and I didn’t care. I just had to get out. I was pressing the elevator down button over and over when I saw a nurse walk into my room. She didn’t see me at the far end of the hall. What is taking this elevator so long? I thought.
護士大喊：「多莉絲！」
The nurse shouted, “Doris!”
另一位護士走進房間。她驚訝地喘了一口氣。
Another nurse walked to the room. She gasped in surprise.
我不知怎的對我房間裡發生的事情有些感知。第一位護士正在床下和房間周圍查看，試圖找到她的昏迷病人去哪裡了。
I somehow had an awareness of what was going on in my room. The first nurse was looking under the bed and around the room, trying to find where her coma patient had gone.
多莉絲退回房間外，向走廊上下張望。我心想，我能跑下樓梯嗎？我甚至不知道樓梯在哪裡。她會找到我的！」
Doris stepped back out of the room and looked up and down the hallways. I wondered, Can I run down the stairs? I don’t even know where the stairs are. She’s going to find me!”
然後多莉絲直視著我。我一隻手按著電梯按鈕，另一隻手則用來抓住圍在腰間的醫院病服。多莉絲發出了一聲驚恐的尖叫，彷彿在拍恐怖電影。我差點掉下病服。
Then Doris looked straight at me. I had one hand on the elevator button and the other holding the hospital gown around my waist. Doris screamed a full-throated horror movie scream. I almost dropped the gown.
另一位護士從我的房間跑了出來，兩位女士朝我跑來。我考慮再次逃跑，但我能感受到她們的擔憂，我知道如果我離開，她們會有麻煩。出於對她們的尊重，我不能離開。我讓她們陪我回到我的房間。
The other nurse ran out of my room, and the two women ran down the hallway towards me. I thought about running again, but I could feel their worry, and I knew that they could get in trouble if I left. Out of respect for them, I couldn’t leave. I let them escort me back to my room.
醫生和當班的資深護士在我回到房間後不久就來了，我不得不回答一系列問題。
The doctor and the senior nurse on duty arrived shortly after I returned to my room, and I had to answer a battery of questions.
「你發生了什麼事？」醫生問道。他比我矮，可能五十多歲。他透過厚厚的眼鏡仔細打量著我。
“What happened to you?” the doctor asked. He was shorter than me, perhaps in his mid-fifties. He scrutinized me through thick-lensed glasses.
「我不知道。」
“I don’t know.”
我能感覺到他很不高興，對我的情況感到困惑。他試圖弄清楚這是怎麼發生的。他幾乎沒有等我回答就向我發出下一個問題。
I could sense that he was upset, and that nothing about my situation made sense to him. He was trying to figure out how this could have happened. He barely waited for a response before firing the next question at me.
「你知道今天是幾號嗎？」 「不知道。」
“Do you know the date?” “No.”
「你已經昏迷了三天。你知道你的名字嗎？」
“You’ve been unconscious for three days. Do you know your name?”
「文尼·托爾曼。」我答對了。「你知道你的出生日期嗎？」
“Vinney Tolman.” I got that one right. “Do you know your birth date?”
「九月七日。」我也答對了。
“September seventh.” I got that one right, too.
「你知道你高中畢業的年份嗎？」 「96年。」我開始順利了。
“Do you know the year you graduated high school?” “’96.” I was on a roll.
「現在是什麼年份？」
“What year is it?”
隨著問題的持續，護士們試圖將我重新連接到感應器和設備上，但我幾乎以與她們重新連接的速度撕掉了所有東西。我無法忍受任何東西貼在我的皮膚上。她們懇求我配合，最後我們達成了一個妥協，右臂上套著血壓計，手上有兩個感應器。
As the questions continued, the nurses attempted to reconnect me to the sensors and devices, but I ripped everything off almost as fast as they could reattach it. I couldn’t stand the feel of anything against my skin. They pleaded with me to cooperate, and we finally settled on a truce with a blood pressure cuff on my right arm, and two sensors on my hand.
她們還想給我氧氣，因為我在昏迷時氧氣水平很低，但氧氣感應器顯示我的水平已恢復正常，因此她們放棄了這場鬥爭。
They also wanted to give me oxygen since my levels were low when I was in the coma, but the oxygen sensors indicated that my levels were back to normal, so they gave up that fight.
「聽著，我只想回家，」我說。
“Look, I just want to go home,” I said.
「這真的不是一個好主意，」醫生堅持道。「我希望你能見見神經科醫生和心臟科醫生。」
“That’s really not a good idea,” the doctor insisted. “I’d like you to meet with a neurologist and cardiologist.”
醫生轉向一位穿著粉紅色護士服的年輕護士，給她下達了一整套血液檢查和其他測試的指示。我之前從未見過她，但在那一刻，我知道她家裡有一個幼兒。第一次，我意識到我知道一些我沒有理由知道的事情。
The doctor turned to a young nurse in pink scrubs and gave her instructions for a full battery of blood work and other tests. I had never seen her before, but in that moment, I knew that she had a toddler at home. For the first time, I realized that I knew things that I had no reason to know.
「我只想回家，」我重複道，但似乎沒有人再聽我說話了。
“I just want to go home,” I repeated, but no one seemed to be listening to me anymore.
當醫生完成對護士的指示時，一位穿著醫院保安制服的男子來了，確保我不會再次逃跑。他在門口待了幾個小時，然後默默地走開，顯然對我不再是逃跑風險感到滿意。
By the time the doctor was done giving orders to the nurse, a man in a hospital security uniform arrived to make sure I wasn’t going to run again. He hung around the door for a couple of hours then wandered off without a word, apparently satisfied that I was no longer a flight risk.
我不斷按下呼叫鈕，詢問護士我什麼時候能離開醫院。我看不出留在醫院的任何理由。她們告訴我，出院的決定不在她們手中，任何有關我出院的討論都要交給醫生。
I kept pushing my call button to ask the nurses how soon I would be able to leave. I couldn’t see any reason to stay in the hospital. They told me that my release was not their decision and deferred any discussions about my discharge to the doctor.
當醫生終於回來時，他說：「我們真的希望再留你一天或兩天，以確保你真的沒問題。」
When the doctor finally returned, he said, “We’d really like to keep you for another day or two, just to make sure you’re really okay.”
「不，謝謝。我真的想離開。」
“No, thank you. I really want to leave.”
醫生嘆了口氣，搖了搖頭。「我們需要你簽署出院表格。」
The doctor sighed and shook his head. “We’ll need you to sign release forms.”
「我會簽署任何東西，只要能讓我離開這裡。」
“I’ll sign anything as long as it gets me out of here.”
護理人員又對我進行了幾個小時的詢問，問的問題與之前醫生的問題差不多：我的地址是什麼？我在哪裡出生？我上哪所高中？她們似乎在試圖抓住我矛盾的地方，以證明我不適合回家。然後她們又讓我進入了一次MRI掃描儀，這讓我感到特別的幽閉恐懼，儘管它只掃描了我的頭部。
The nursing staff quizzed me for several more hours, asking much the same type of questions as the doctor earlier: What was my address? Where was I born? Which high school did I attend? It seemed as if they were trying to catch me in a contradiction to prove that I wasn’t fit to go home. Then they ran me through an MRI scanner one more time, which made me feel especially claustrophobic, even though it only scanned my head.
在早上5:00的班次交接時，一位神經科醫生走進了我的房間。
At the 5:00 a.m. shift change, a neurologist walked into my room.
「這就是我的奇蹟男孩，」他說。他顯然對我感到驚訝。「真的無法解釋你為什麼還活著，或者為什麼你的大腦還能運作。你應該死了，或者至少成為一個植物人。這真是一個絕對的奇蹟。」
“Here’s my miracle boy,” he said. He was clearly in awe of me. “There’s really no explanation as to why you’re alive, or why you still have a brain that works. You should be dead, or at least a vegetable. It’s an absolute miracle.”
我對這些事情一無所知。我對於去我朋友羅布家之後的事情完全沒有記憶。我甚至不記得去過冰淇淋店。就像我有一個記憶的黑洞：我知道那裡有些東西，但我完全不知道那是什麼。在接下來的一小時裡，我接待了一連串的訪客，一位又一位的醫生或護士進來看這位死過、昏迷了三天，現在卻完全健康的病人，彷彿什麼事都沒有發生過。
I didn’t know any of that. I remembered nothing after going to my buddy Rob’s house. I couldn’t even remember going to Dairy Queen. It was like I had a black hole of memory: I knew that there was something there, but I had no idea what it was. After the next hour, I had a steady stream of visitors, with one doctor or nurse after another coming in to see the guy who had died, was in a coma for three days, and was now perfectly healthy as if nothing had happened.
最終，在早上6點過後，醫生和神經科醫生簽署了我的出院文件。在簽署了近四十份表格後，我辦理了出院手續。一位護士打電話給我父親，安排他來接我回家。老實說，他並不是我首選的搭車對象。我和我父親的關係並不親近，這幾年來一直如此。
Finally, a little after 6:00 a.m., the doctors and neurologist signed off on my discharge. After signing nearly forty forms, I checked myself out of the hospital. A nurse called my father and arranged for him to drive me home. Honestly, he wasn’t my first choice for a ride. My father and I weren’t close. We hadn’t been for years.
一小時後，我坐在醫院大廳的輪椅上，等待我的搭車。身後站著一位高瘦的護理人員，雙手緊握著輪椅的把手。我的家人在我昏迷期間將我的個人物品帶回了家，所以我身上只穿著一套護士給我的醫院綠色工作服。上衣還算合身，但褲子有點緊。我在輪椅上不舒服地扭動，將腳深深地滑進醫院拖鞋裡。
An hour later, I was sitting in a wheelchair in the hospital lobby, waiting for my ride. A tall, lanky orderly stood behind me, his hands gripping the wheelchair handles. My family had taken my personal possessions home while I was in a coma, so all I had to wear was a set of hospital-green scrubs that one of the orderlies gave me. The shirt fit well enough, but the pants were a little tight. I shifted uncomfortably in the wheelchair and slid my feet deeper into the hospital slippers.
當我看到我爸爸駛入主入口前的接送車道時，我感到一陣不安的感覺。我不指望他會同情我，甚至不指望他會因為我還活著而感到鬆一口氣。我只期待能回家，也許還會有一些我不想回答的尷尬問題。我從輪椅上站起來，感謝那位護理人員，然後走到外面。
When I saw my dad drive into the pick-up lane in front of the main entrance, I felt a pit in my stomach. I didn’t expect sympathy from him, or even relief that I was alive. All I expected was a ride home, and maybe some awkward questions I didn’t want to answer. I stood up from the wheelchair, thanked the orderly, and walked outside.
我父親停在路邊，甚至沒有熄火，就跨過副駕駛座推開了門。我默默地爬進車裡，關上了門。我們在回家的路上，當我爸爸終於打破沉默時，他問：「你還好嗎？」
My father pulled up to the curb and, without even killing the engine, reached across the passenger seat and pushed open the door. I silently climbed into the car and shut the door. We were on the road home when my dad finally broke the silence. “Are you okay?”
「還好。」我不知道該說什麼。 「你會沒事嗎？」
“Yeah.” I didn’t know what else to say. “Are you going to be okay?”
「會的。」
“Yeah.”
「你今天會去工作嗎？」這個問題來自我父親並不讓我驚訝。
“Are you going to work today?” The question didn’t surprise me, coming from my dad.
「我想不會。」
“I don’t think so.”
「你明天會去工作嗎？」
“Are you going to work tomorrow?”
「可能會。」我看不出不去的理由。「羅布怎麼樣？」我問。「他們說他很好。他們給他洗了胃。」
“Probably.” I didn’t see a reason not to. “How’s Rob?” I asked. “They said he’s fine. They pumped his stomach.”
這就是我們對話的全部內容。我後來才知道，我母親因為照顧親戚而不在城裡，甚至不知道我發生了什麼事。顯然，我爸爸和哥哥在告訴她之前一直在等著看我會活下來還是死去。我第二天就回去上班了。
That was the extent of our conversation. I found out later that my mother had been out of town caring for a relative and didn’t even know that anything had happened to me. Apparently, my dad and brother were waiting to see if I was going to live or die before telling her. I went back to work the next day.
我在星期三出現在工作場所，不確定我的老闆拉里·格萊姆會對我的回歸有什麼反應。沒有人告訴他我在哪裡。拉里是一個勤奮的工作者。即使在他六十多歲的時候，他仍然能夠超越他建築團隊中的任何一位員工。
I showed up at work on Wednesday, not sure how my boss, Larry Gleim, would react to my return. No one had told him where I was. Larry was a hard worker. Even in his sixties, he could out-work just about any one of his employees on his construction team.
我走進工地，尋找他的身影。他轉過頭朝我這邊看，透過他厚厚的眼鏡打量著我。
I walked onto the job site and sought him out. He turned his head in my direction and looked at me through his thick-framed glasses.
「哦，你還活著。」他諷刺地說。「兩天沒有來也沒有打電話。我以為你死了。」
“Oh, you’re still alive.” He said sardonically. “No call and no show for two days. I thought you were dead.”
「我死過，」我說。
“I was,” I said.
「什麼？」他不確定我是在開玩笑還是真心的。「如果我還有工作，我會告訴你。」
“What?” He wasn’t sure if I was joking or not. “If I still have a job, I’ll tell you about it.”
他毫不猶豫。「當然，你有工作。我們還有事情要做。」
He didn’t hesitate. “Of course, you have a job. We have work to do.”
除了我從其他人那裡聽到的，我真的沒有太多可以告訴他的。我告訴他我在醫院醒來的情況，並向他展示了急救人員為氣管切開所做的切口。
Other than what I’d heard from others, I really didn’t have much to tell him. I did tell him about waking up in the hospital, and I showed him where the paramedic made the incision for the tracheotomy.
幾天後，我和我的兄弟及他的女朋友、我的姐姐塔米和她的兩個孩子一起去奧勒姆的Wingers吃晚餐。晚餐快結束時，塔米把我拉到一邊。
Several days later, I went out to dinner at Wingers in Orem with my brother and his girlfriend, my older sister Tami, and her two children. As dinner was winding down, Tami pulled me aside.
「你有沒有記得關於死亡的任何事情？」她問。
“Do you remember anything about dying?” she asked.
我有意識地想，沒有，什麼都沒有發生，但她的問題觸發了一陣回憶。就像一個隱藏在硬碟深處的電腦檔案被打開，信息瞬間顯現在我心靈的螢幕上。
Consciously, my thoughts were, no, nothing happened, but her question triggered a flood of memories. It was like a computer file hidden deep on a hard drive had been opened, and the information popped up onto the screen of my mind.
話語不斷湧出。我告訴她關於我的靈性導師。我向她解釋，我必須接受教育才能回到我們來的地方，而我的導師教會了我所需的知識。我告訴她我見過天堂；那是一個真實的地方。
The words spilled out. I told her about my spirit guide. I explained to her that I had to be educated in order to return to where we come from, and my guide had taught me what I needed to know. I told her that I had seen heaven; that it was an actual place.
隨著話語的流出，我的情感也隨之而來。站在餐廳中央，淚水順著我的臉頰流下。但即使我告訴她我死後發生的事情，我的腦海中也在進行著一場戰鬥。我是瘋了嗎？我真的經歷了那一切，還是我的大腦只是編造的？
As the words flowed, so did my emotions. Standing in the middle of the restaurant, tears streamed down my cheeks. But even as I told her about what happened after I died, there was a battle going on inside my brain. Am I crazy? Did I really experience that or did my brain just make it up?
起初，塔米表現得很驚訝，還有些懷疑。當我講完我的故事時，她只說：「這很有道理。」她已經決定我的經歷與她對這一生結束後會發生的事情的預期相符。我們回到家人那桌子旁，彷彿我們沒有進行過關於死後生活的對話。
At first, Tami acted surprised. And a little skeptical. When I finished my story, all she said was, “That makes sense.” She had decided that my experience aligned with what she expected to happen after this life. We went back to the table with the rest of the family as though we hadn’t had a conversation about life after dying.
晚餐後，獨自坐在車裡，我責備自己。你這個白癡。我想。為什麼要告訴她？我內心深處傳來一個強大的聲音：「因為那就是發生的事。」
After dinner, sitting alone in my car, I berated myself. You idiot. I thought. Why did you tell her? A powerful voice inside of me responded, “Because that’s what happened.”
我現在正在面對一種新的掙扎。我不斷收到關於周圍人的靈性印象。我能感知到一些我看不見的東西。這並不正常。我的大腦受損了嗎？我瘋了嗎？
I was now fighting a new kind of struggle. I kept getting spiritual impressions about the people around me. I could sense things that I couldn’t see. It wasn’t normal. Had there been brain damage? Was I going insane?
我也感到無法告訴任何人。我擔心人們會評判我或稱我為瘋子。
I also felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I was worried about people judging me or calling me crazy.
最令人不安的是，我想要結束自己的生命。我發現自己想像著可以「意外」結束自己生命的方法。我不敢計劃自殺。每當我的思緒朝那個方向偏離時，我能感覺到那些想法的能量與我想要回到的完全相反。雖然這讓我不會傷害自己，但我再也感覺不到自己在這具身體裡是個家，我渴望回到真實的世界，而不是這個假冒的世界。更可怕的是，萬一那個世界不存在呢？萬一我只是想像的，這一切都是如此？那將是一種地獄。
Most disturbing of all was that I wanted my life to be over. I found myself imagining ways that I could “accidentally” end my life. I didn’t dare make plans to commit suicide. Any time my thoughts strayed in that direction, I could feel that the energy of those thoughts was the exact opposite of what I wanted to return to. While that kept me from harming myself, I no longer felt at home in my own skin, and I longed to return home to live in the real world, not this counterfeit of it. More terrifying was the fear of what if it didn’t exist? What if I imagined it and this was all there was? That would be a form of hell.
我決定需要專業的幫助。我預約了與心理學家的會談。當我們見面時，我向他敞開心扉，分享了我的整個經歷。他回答說，這可能只是因為缺氧而導致我的大腦填補了空白。他告訴我，這超出了他的能力範圍，並將我轉介給精神科醫生。當我與精神科醫生交談時，我也向他分享了我的經歷。
I decided that I needed professional help. I made an appointment to talk to a psychologist. When we met, I opened up and shared my entire experience with him. He replied that it was probably just my brain filling in the gaps due to lack of oxygen. He told me that it was beyond his ability to help me and referred me to a psychiatrist. When I spoke with the psychiatrist, I shared my experience with him, too.
「好吧，文尼，」他說。「看起來你正在遭受妄想的困擾。這一切都發生在你的心智中。」
“Well, Vinney,” he said. “It appears that you are suffering from delusions. All of this is happening in your mind.”
我內心深處對他的結論感到抵觸。他錯了，我知道他錯了。我最終屈服於那些壓迫我的靈性印象。「那麼我為什麼知道這些事情？我為什麼知道——」
Something inside of me resisted his conclusion. He was wrong, and I knew it. I finally surrendered to the spiritual impressions that pressed in on me. “Then why do I know these things? Why do I know that—”
我開始分享關於他的資訊，這些資訊如潮水般湧入我的腦海，直到我能說出來為止——這些我不應該知道的事情。只有他自己才知道的個人事情，以及他內心深處的想法。
I proceeded to share information about him that poured into my brain as fast as I could say it—things that I should not have known about. Personal things that only he knew about his life, and thoughts that he kept inside.
我所說的話觸發了精神科醫生的反應。他突然臉紅，站起來指著門。「滾出我的辦公室。我再也不想見到你。」
Whatever I said triggered the psychiatrist. He suddenly turned red, stood, and pointed at the door. “Get the out of my office. I never want to see you again.”
我驚訝地停下了談話，收拾好我的東西，朝門口走去。
Stunned, I stopped talking, gathered my things, and moved for the door.
當我走出去時，他說：「你發生了什麼事。沒有人能知道那些事情。」他幾乎把門重重關上。
As I walked out, he said, “Something happened to you. There’s no way anyone could know those things.” He practically slammed the door behind me.
他的接待員感到非常震驚。「我很抱歉。我從未見過他這樣行事。你說了什麼？」
His receptionist was mortified. “I’m so sorry. I’ve never seen him act like that before. What did you say?”
「我不知道，」我說。我離開了辦公室。
“I don’t know,” I said. I left the office.
我感到我一生中最糟糕的事情就是被帶回了生命。
I felt that the worst thing that had ever happened in my life was being brought back to life.
第16章：我的諷刺悲劇
Chapter 16: My Ironic Tragedy
我能聽到我哥哥從物質世界說話的聲音，就像他直接在我耳邊說話一樣。他在醫院裡為我的身體做了一個特別的祈禱——在我的宗教中稱為“祝福”。他說我會康復，並且會回來。
I could hear the voice of my brother speaking from the physical world, as if he was speaking directly into my ear. He was saying a special prayer—what we called a “blessing” in my religion—over my body in the hospital. He stated that I would become whole, and that I would come back.
當他以“阿門”結束祝福時，一種像能量套索的東西纏繞著我，把我拉回去。我所取得的所有進展，我所走過的無法計量的距離，在我被拉回身體的瞬間消失了。
As he completed the blessing with an “amen,” something that felt like a lasso of energy wrapped around me and pulled me back. All of the progress I had made, the incalculable distance I had traveled, disappeared in an instant as I was pulled back into my body.
我哥哥的祝福是在1月20日星期一晚上9:30宣佈的。星期二早上1:11，我從昏迷中醒來。德雷克說得對，這很痛。我感覺自己被束縛在緊身衣裡。
My brother’s blessing was pronounced at 9:30 p.m. on Monday, January 20th. Tuesday morning at 1:11 a.m. I woke from my coma. Drake was right about it hurting. I felt like I was bound in a straitjacket.
出於本能，我撕掉了附在我身上的感應器，拔掉了喉嚨裡的管子，並拔掉了附在我頭上的電極。我撕掉了醫院的病號服，試圖解放自己。然後我意識到造成我束縛感的原因：是我的身體。
Acting on instinct, I ripped off the sensors attached to my body, pulled the tube out of my throat, and yanked free from the electrodes attached to my head. I ripped off my hospital gown trying to free myself. Then I realized what was causing my feeling of constraint: it was my body.
很難完全描述這種轉變的深度或痛苦。我突然不舒服地意識到周圍的嘈雜。房間裡的機器發出警報。我下床拔掉了機器的插頭以停止噪音，然後抓起病號服圍在腰上。
It is difficult to fully describe the depth or pain of the transition. I was suddenly uncomfortably aware of the cacophony around me. The machines in the room blared alarms. I got out of bed and unplugged the machines to make the noise stop, then grabbed the hospital gown and wrapped it around my waist.
我跑出房間，沿著走廊跑去。走廊的盡頭有一部電梯。我瘋狂地按著電梯按鈕。我不知道我要去哪裡，也不在乎。我只想出去。我不斷按著電梯的下降按鈕，這時我看到一名護士走進我的房間。她沒有看到我在走廊的盡頭。這電梯怎麼這麼久？我想。
I ran out of the room and down the hallway. At the end of the hall was an elevator. I frantically pushed the elevator button. I didn’t know where I was going, and I didn’t care. I just had to get out. I was pressing the elevator down button over and over when I saw a nurse walk into my room. She didn’t see me at the far end of the hall. What is taking this elevator so long? I thought.
護士喊道：“多莉絲！”
The nurse shouted, “Doris!”
另一名護士走進房間。她驚訝地倒抽一口氣。
Another nurse walked to the room. She gasped in surprise.
我不知怎的對房間裡發生的事情有了意識。第一名護士正在床下和房間周圍尋找她的昏迷病人去了哪裡。
I somehow had an awareness of what was going on in my room. The first nurse was looking under the bed and around the room, trying to find where her coma patient had gone.
多莉絲走出房間，環顧走廊。我想，我可以從樓梯跑下去嗎？我甚至不知道樓梯在哪裡。她會找到我的！”
Doris stepped back out of the room and looked up and down the hallways. I wondered, Can I run down the stairs? I don’t even know where the stairs are. She’s going to find me!”
然後多莉絲直視著我。我一隻手按著電梯按鈕，另一隻手抓著圍在腰上的病號服。多莉絲發出了一聲恐怖片般的尖叫。我差點掉了病號服。
Then Doris looked straight at me. I had one hand on the elevator button and the other holding the hospital gown around my waist. Doris screamed a full-throated horror movie scream. I almost dropped the gown.
另一名護士從我的房間跑出來，兩個女人朝我跑來。我又想逃跑，但我能感受到她們的擔憂，我知道如果我離開，她們可能會有麻煩。出於對她們的尊重，我不能離開。我讓她們護送我回房間。
The other nurse ran out of my room, and the two women ran down the hallway towards me. I thought about running again, but I could feel their worry, and I knew that they could get in trouble if I left. Out of respect for them, I couldn’t leave. I let them escort me back to my room.
當我回到房間不久，醫生和當班的資深護士就到了，我不得不回答一連串的問題。
The doctor and the senior nurse on duty arrived shortly after I returned to my room, and I had to answer a battery of questions.
“你發生了什麼事？”醫生問道。他比我矮，可能五十多歲。他透過厚厚的鏡片仔細打量我。
“What happened to you?” the doctor asked. He was shorter than me, perhaps in his mid-fifties. He scrutinized me through thick-lensed glasses.
“我不知道。”
“I don’t know.”
我能感覺到他很不安，對他來說，我的情況毫無意義。他試圖弄清楚這是怎麼發生的。他幾乎不等我回答，就接著問下一個問題。
I could sense that he was upset, and that nothing about my situation made sense to him. He was trying to figure out how this could have happened. He barely waited for a response before firing the next question at me.
“你知道今天是幾號嗎？”“不知道。”
“Do you know the date?” “No.”
“你已經昏迷三天了。你知道你的名字嗎？”
“You’ve been unconscious for three days. Do you know your name?”
“Vinney Tolman。”這個我答對了。“你知道你的生日嗎？”
“Vinney Tolman.” I got that one right. “Do you know your birth date?”
“九月七日。”這個我也答對了。
“September seventh.” I got that one right, too.
“你知道你是哪一年高中畢業的嗎？”“’96。”我答得很順。
“Do you know the year you graduated high school?” “’96.” I was on a roll.
“現在是哪一年？”
“What year is it?”
問題繼續，護士們試圖重新把感應器和設備連接到我身上，但我幾乎在他們重新連接的同時就把它們撕掉了。我無法忍受任何東西接觸我的皮膚。他們懇求我配合，最後我們達成了妥協，在我右臂上套上血壓計，手上放了兩個感應器。
As the questions continued, the nurses attempted to reconnect me to the sensors and devices, but I ripped everything off almost as fast as they could reattach it. I couldn’t stand the feel of anything against my skin. They pleaded with me to cooperate, and we finally settled on a truce with a blood pressure cuff on my right arm, and two sensors on my hand.
他們還想給我吸氧，因為我昏迷時氧氣水平很低，但氧氣感應器顯示我的水平已經恢復正常，所以他們放棄了。
They also wanted to give me oxygen since my levels were low when I was in the coma, but the oxygen sensors indicated that my levels were back to normal, so they gave up that fight.
“聽著，我只想回家，”我說。
“Look, I just want to go home,” I said.
“這真的不是個好主意，”醫生堅持道。“我希望你能見見神經科醫生和心臟科醫生。”
“That’s really not a good idea,” the doctor insisted. “I’d like you to meet with a neurologist and cardiologist.”
醫生轉向一位穿著粉紅色制服的年輕護士，給她下達了一系列血液檢查和其他測試的指示。我以前從未見過她，但那一刻，我知道她家裡有個小孩。這是我第一次意識到我知道一些我不應該知道的事情。
The doctor turned to a young nurse in pink scrubs and gave her instructions for a full battery of blood work and other tests. I had never seen her before, but in that moment, I knew that she had a toddler at home. For the first time, I realized that I knew things that I had no reason to know.
“我只想回家，”我重複道，但似乎沒有人再聽我說話。
“I just want to go home,” I repeated, but no one seemed to be listening to me anymore.
當醫生給護士下達完指令後，一名穿著醫院保安制服的男子來到，確保我不會再次逃跑。他在門口待了幾個小時，然後無聲地離開，顯然滿意我不再是逃跑的風險。
By the time the doctor was done giving orders to the nurse, a man in a hospital security uniform arrived to make sure I wasn’t going to run again. He hung around the door for a couple of hours then wandered off without a word, apparently satisfied that I was no longer a flight risk.
我不斷按呼叫按鈕，問護士我什麼時候能離開。我看不出有任何理由留在醫院。他們告訴我，是否出院不是他們的決定，並將所有關於我出院的討論推給醫生。
I kept pushing my call button to ask the nurses how soon I would be able to leave. I couldn’t see any reason to stay in the hospital. They told me that my release was not their decision and deferred any discussions about my discharge to the doctor.
當醫生最終回來時，他說：“我們真的希望你能再留一兩天，以確保你真的沒事。”
When the doctor finally returned, he said, “We’d really like to keep you for another day or two, just to make sure you’re really okay.”
“不，謝謝。我真的想離開。”
“No, thank you. I really want to leave.”
醫生嘆了口氣，搖了搖頭。“我們需要你簽署出院表格。”
The doctor sighed and shook his head. “We’ll need you to sign release forms.”
“只要能讓我離開，我什麼都簽。”
“I’ll sign anything as long as it gets me out of here.”
護士們又對我進行了幾個小時的詢問，問的問題和早些時候醫生問的差不多：我的地址是什麼？我在哪裡出生？我上的哪所高中？他們似乎試圖在我回答中找出矛盾，以證明我不適合回家。然後他們又讓我做了一次核磁共振掃描，這讓我感到特別幽閉恐懼，儘管它只掃描了我的頭部。
The nursing staff quizzed me for several more hours, asking much the same type of questions as the doctor earlier: What was my address? Where was I born? Which high school did I attend? It seemed as if they were trying to catch me in a contradiction to prove that I wasn’t fit to go home. Then they ran me through an MRI scanner one more time, which made me feel especially claustrophobic, even though it only scanned my head.
在早上5點的換班時，一位神經科醫生走進我的房間。
At the 5:00 a.m. shift change, a neurologist walked into my room.
“這是我的奇蹟男孩，”他說。他顯然對我充滿敬畏。“真的沒有任何解釋為什麼你還活著，或者為什麼你的大腦還能運作。你應該死了，或者至少成為植物人。這絕對是個奇蹟。”
“Here’s my miracle boy,” he said. He was clearly in awe of me. “There’s really no explanation as to why you’re alive, or why you still have a brain that works. You should be dead, or at least a vegetable. It’s an absolute miracle.”
我對此一無所知。我不記得去我朋友Rob家的事情。我甚至不記得去過Dairy Queen。就像我的記憶中有一個黑洞：我知道那裡有些東西，但我不知道是什麼。在接下來的一小時裡，我有一連串的訪客，一個接一個的醫生或護士來看這個死過、昏迷了三天，現在卻像什麼都沒發生過一樣健康的人。
I didn’t know any of that. I remembered nothing after going to my buddy Rob’s house. I couldn’t even remember going to Dairy Queen. It was like I had a black hole of memory: I knew that there was something there, but I had no idea what it was. After the next hour, I had a steady stream of visitors, with one doctor or nurse after another coming in to see the guy who had died, was in a coma for three days, and was now perfectly healthy as if nothing had happened.
最後，在早上6點多一點，醫生和神經科醫生簽署了我的出院許可。在簽署了將近四十份表格後，我辦理了出院手續。一名護士打電話給我父親，安排他開車送我回家。老實說，他不是我首選的接送人選。我和父親關係不密切，已經很多年了。
Finally, a little after 6:00 a.m., the doctors and neurologist signed off on my discharge. After signing nearly forty forms, I checked myself out of the hospital. A nurse called my father and arranged for him to drive me home. Honestly, he wasn’t my first choice for a ride. My father and I weren’t close. We hadn’t been for years.
一小時後，我坐在醫院大廳的輪椅上，等待接我的人。一名高瘦的護工站在我身後，雙手握著輪椅的把手。我昏迷時，我的家人把我的個人物品帶回了家，所以我只能穿著一套醫院綠色的制服，是一名護工給我的。上衣還算合身，但褲子有點緊。我在輪椅上不舒服地移動，腳更深地滑進醫院拖鞋裡。
An hour later, I was sitting in a wheelchair in the hospital lobby, waiting for my ride. A tall, lanky orderly stood behind me, his hands gripping the wheelchair handles. My family had taken my personal possessions home while I was in a coma, so all I had to wear was a set of hospital-green scrubs that one of the orderlies gave me. The shirt fit well enough, but the pants were a little tight. I shifted uncomfortably in the wheelchair and slid my feet deeper into the hospital slippers.
當我看到我爸爸把車開到主入口前的接送車道時，我感到心裡一沉。我沒指望他會同情我，甚至對我還活著感到欣慰。我只期待能回家的車程，或許還有一些我不想回答的尷尬問題。我從輪椅上站起來，感謝護工，然後走到外面。
When I saw my dad drive into the pick-up lane in front of the main entrance, I felt a pit in my stomach. I didn’t expect sympathy from him, or even relief that I was alive. All I expected was a ride home, and maybe some awkward questions I didn’t want to answer. I stood up from the wheelchair, thanked the orderly, and walked outside.
我父親把車停在路邊，甚至沒有熄火，就伸手過去推開了乘客座的門。我默默地爬上車，關上了門。我們在回家的路上，我爸爸終於打破了沉默。“你還好嗎？”
My father pulled up to the curb and, without even killing the engine, reached across the passenger seat and pushed open the door. I silently climbed into the car and shut the door. We were on the road home when my dad finally broke the silence. “Are you okay?”
“還好。”我不知道還能說什麼。“你會好嗎？”
“Yeah.” I didn’t know what else to say. “Are you going to be okay?”
“會的。”
“Yeah.”
“你今天要上班嗎？”這個問題從我爸爸口中說出來，我並不驚訝。
“Are you going to work today?” The question didn’t surprise me, coming from my dad.
“我想不會。”
“I don’t think so.”
“那你明天要上班嗎？”
“Are you going to work tomorrow?”
“可能會。”我看不出不去的理由。“Rob怎麼樣？”我問。“他沒事。他們給他洗了胃。”
“Probably.” I didn’t see a reason not to. “How’s Rob?” I asked. “They said he’s fine. They pumped his stomach.”
我們的對話就到此為止。我後來才知道，我媽媽當時在外地照顧親戚，甚至不知道我發生了什麼事。顯然，我爸爸和哥哥在等著看我會活下來還是會死去，才告訴她。我第二天就回去上班了。
That was the extent of our conversation. I found out later that my mother had been out of town caring for a relative and didn’t even know that anything had happened to me. Apparently, my dad and brother were waiting to see if I was going to live or die before telling her. I went back to work the next day.
星期三我回到工作崗位，不確定我的老闆Larry Gleim會如何反應。沒有人告訴他我在哪裡。Larry是一個勤奮的人。即使在六十多歲的時候，他也能比他建築團隊裡的任何一個員工工作得更努力。
I showed up at work on Wednesday, not sure how my boss, Larry Gleim, would react to my return. No one had told him where I was. Larry was a hard worker. Even in his sixties, he could out-work just about any one of his employees on his construction team.
我走進工地，尋找他。他轉過頭來，透過厚重的眼鏡看著我。
I walked onto the job site and sought him out. He turned his head in my direction and looked at me through his thick-framed glasses.
“哦，你還活著。”他諷刺地說。“兩天沒打電話也沒出現。我以為你死了。”
“Oh, you’re still alive.” He said sardonically. “No call and no show for two days. I thought you were dead.”
“我確實死過，”我說。
“I was,” I said.
“什麼？”他不確定我是不是在開玩笑。“如果我還有工作，我會告訴你發生了什麼。”
“What?” He wasn’t sure if I was joking or not. “If I still have a job, I’ll tell you about it.”
他毫不猶豫。“當然，你還有工作。我們有工作要做。”
He didn’t hesitate. “Of course, you have a job. We have work to do.”
除了從別人那裡聽到的，我真的沒什麼好告訴他的。我告訴他我在醫院醒來的事，還給他看了急救員為氣管切開術做切口的地方。
Other than what I’d heard from others, I really didn’t have much to tell him. I did tell him about waking up in the hospital, and I showed him where the paramedic made the incision for the tracheotomy.
幾天後，我和我哥哥及他的女朋友，我的姐姐Tami和她的兩個孩子一起去Orem的Wingers吃晚餐。晚餐快結束時，Tami把我拉到一旁。
Several days later, I went out to dinner at Wingers in Orem with my brother and his girlfriend, my older sister Tami, and her two children. As dinner was winding down, Tami pulled me aside.
“你記得死去的事情嗎？”她問。
“Do you remember anything about dying?” she asked.
意識上，我的想法是，沒有，什麼都沒發生，但她的問題觸發了一連串的記憶。就像電腦硬盤深處隱藏的文件被打開，信息在我腦海的屏幕上彈出。
Consciously, my thoughts were, no, nothing happened, but her question triggered a flood of memories. It was like a computer file hidden deep on a hard drive had been opened, and the information popped up onto the screen of my mind.
話語傾瀉而出。我告訴她關於我的靈魂指導。我向她解釋，我必須接受教育才能回到我們來自的地方，而我的指導教會了我需要知道的東西。我告訴她我看到了天堂；那是一個真實的地方。
The words spilled out. I told her about my spirit guide. I explained to her that I had to be educated in order to return to where we come from, and my guide had taught me what I needed to know. I told her that I had seen heaven; that it was an actual place.
隨著話語的流動，我的情感也在流動。站在餐廳中間，淚水流過我的臉頰。但即使在我告訴她我死後發生的事情時，我的腦海中也在進行一場戰鬥。我瘋了嗎？我真的經歷了那些還是我的大腦編造的？
As the words flowed, so did my emotions. Standing in the middle of the restaurant, tears streamed down my cheeks. But even as I told her about what happened after I died, there was a battle going on inside my brain. Am I crazy? Did I really experience that or did my brain just make it up?
起初，Tami表現得很驚訝，還有點懷疑。當我講完我的故事時，她只說了一句：“這很有道理。”她認為我的經歷與她對死後生活的期望一致。我們回到桌邊，和家人一起，彷彿我們沒有談論過死後的生活。
At first, Tami acted surprised. And a little skeptical. When I finished my story, all she said was, “That makes sense.” She had decided that my experience aligned with what she expected to happen after this life. We went back to the table with the rest of the family as though we hadn’t had a conversation about life after dying.
晚餐後，獨自坐在車裡，我責備自己。你這個傻瓜。我想。你為什麼告訴她？內心有個強大的聲音回應道：“因為那就是發生的事情。”
After dinner, sitting alone in my car, I berated myself. You idiot. I thought. Why did you tell her? A powerful voice inside of me responded, “Because that’s what happened.”
我現在面臨一種新的鬥爭。我不斷對周圍的人有精神上的感應。我能感知到我看不到的東西。這不正常。是不是腦部受損了？我是不是瘋了？
I was now fighting a new kind of struggle. I kept getting spiritual impressions about the people around me. I could sense things that I couldn’t see. It wasn’t normal. Had there been brain damage? Was I going insane?
我也覺得自己不能告訴任何人。我擔心別人會評判我或者叫我瘋子。
I also felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I was worried about people judging me or calling me crazy.
最讓我不安的是，我想結束自己的生命。我發現自己在想像一些“意外”結束生命的方法。我不敢計劃自殺。每當我的想法朝那個方向偏離時，我能感覺到那些想法的能量與我想回去的完全相反。雖然這讓我不至於傷害自己，但我不再覺得自己在自己的皮膚裡感到自在，我渴望回家，生活在真實的世界，而不是這個虛假的世界。更可怕的是，如果那個世界不存在怎麼辦？如果我只是想像出來的，而這就是全部？那將是一種地獄。
Most disturbing of all was that I wanted my life to be over. I found myself imagining ways that I could “accidentally” end my life. I didn’t dare make plans to commit suicide. Any time my thoughts strayed in that direction, I could feel that the energy of those thoughts was the exact opposite of what I wanted to return to. While that kept me from harming myself, I no longer felt at home in my own skin, and I longed to return home to live in the real world, not this counterfeit of it. More terrifying was the fear of what if it didn’t exist? What if I imagined it and this was all there was? That would be a form of hell.
我決定我需要專業的幫助。我預約了和心理學家談話的時間。當我們見面時，我敞開心扉，分享了我的整個經歷。他回答說這可能只是我的大腦因缺氧而填補的空白。他告訴我這超出了他的能力範圍，並將我轉介給精神科醫生。當我和精神科醫生交談時，我也分享了我的經歷。
I decided that I needed professional help. I made an appointment to talk to a psychologist. When we met, I opened up and shared my entire experience with him. He replied that it was probably just my brain filling in the gaps due to lack of oxygen. He told me that it was beyond his ability to help me and referred me to a psychiatrist. When I spoke with the psychiatrist, I shared my experience with him, too.
“嗯，Vinney，”他說。“看來你患有妄想症。這一切都發生在你的腦海中。”
“Well, Vinney,” he said. “It appears that you are suffering from delusions. All of this is happening in your mind.”
我內心有些東西抗拒他的結論。他錯了，我知道這一點。我最終屈服於壓在我身上的精神印象。“那為什麼我知道這些事情？為什麼我知道——”
Something inside of me resisted his conclusion. He was wrong, and I knew it. I finally surrendered to the spiritual impressions that pressed in on me. “Then why do I know these things? Why do I know that—”
我開始分享關於他的資訊，這些資訊以我能說出的速度湧入我的大腦——一些我不應該知道的事情。他生活中只有他知道的私事，以及他內心的想法。
I proceeded to share information about him that poured into my brain as fast as I could say it—things that I should not have known about. Personal things that only he knew about his life, and thoughts that he kept inside.
無論我說了什麼，觸發了精神科醫生。他突然臉紅，站起來，指著門。“滾出我的辦公室。我再也不想見到你。”
Whatever I said triggered the psychiatrist. He suddenly turned red, stood, and pointed at the door. “Get the out of my office. I never want to see you again.”
驚訝之下，我停止了說話，收拾好東西，走向門口。
Stunned, I stopped talking, gathered my things, and moved for the door.
當我走出去時，他說：“你身上發生了一些事情。沒有人能知道那些事情。”他幾乎是砰地一聲關上了門。
As I walked out, he said, “Something happened to you. There’s no way anyone could know those things.” He practically slammed the door behind me.
他的接待員驚恐不已。“我很抱歉。我從未見過他這樣。你說了什麼？”
His receptionist was mortified. “I’m so sorry. I’ve never seen him act like that before. What did you say?”
“我不知道，”我說。我離開了辦公室。
“I don’t know,” I said. I left the office.
我覺得我一生中最糟糕的事情就是被帶回來。
I felt that the worst thing that had ever happened in my life was being brought back to life.
第十六章：我的諷刺悲劇
Chapter 16: My Ironic Tragedy
我能聽到我哥哥從物質世界傳來的聲音，彷彿他直接在我耳邊說話。他正在為我在醫院的身體進行一種特別的祈禱——在我的宗教中我們稱之為「祝福」。他說我會變得完整，我會回來。
I could hear the voice of my brother speaking from the physical world, as if he was speaking directly into my ear. He was saying a special prayer—what we called a “blessing” in my religion—over my body in the hospital. He stated that I would become whole, and that I would come back.
當他以「阿門」結束祝福時，一種像是能量套索的東西纏繞著我，將我拉回。所有我取得的進展，我穿越的無可計量的距離，在我被拉回身體的瞬間消失了。
As he completed the blessing with an “amen,” something that felt like a lasso of energy wrapped around me and pulled me back. All of the progress I had made, the incalculable distance I had traveled, disappeared in an instant as I was pulled back into my body.
我哥哥的祝福是在1月20日星期一晚上9:30進行的。星期二凌晨1:11，我從昏迷中醒來。德雷克說得對，這很痛苦。我感覺自己像是被綁在束縛衣裡。
My brother’s blessing was pronounced at 9:30 p.m. on Monday, January 20th. Tuesday morning at 1:11 a.m. I woke from my coma. Drake was right about it hurting. I felt like I was bound in a straitjacket.
出於本能，我撕下附在身上的傳感器，拔出喉嚨裡的管子，扯掉連接到頭部的電極。我試圖解脫時撕下了病號服。然後我意識到導致我感覺受限的原因：是我的身體。
Acting on instinct, I ripped off the sensors attached to my body, pulled the tube out of my throat, and yanked free from the electrodes attached to my head. I ripped off my hospital gown trying to free myself. Then I realized what was causing my feeling of constraint: it was my body.
很難完全描述這種轉換的深度或痛苦。我突然不適地意識到周圍的噪音。房間裡的機器發出刺耳的警報聲。我從床上起來，拔掉機器插頭讓噪音停止，然後抓起病號服裹在腰間。
It is difficult to fully describe the depth or pain of the transition. I was suddenly uncomfortably aware of the cacophony around me. The machines in the room blared alarms. I got out of bed and unplugged the machines to make the noise stop, then grabbed the hospital gown and wrapped it around my waist.
我跑出房間，沿著走廊跑去。走廊盡頭是一部電梯。我瘋狂地按電梯按鈕。我不知道要去哪裡，也不在乎。我只是必須離開。我一遍又一遍地按下電梯按鈕時，看到一名護士走進我的房間。她沒看到遠處走廊的我。電梯怎麼這麼慢？我心想。
I ran out of the room and down the hallway. At the end of the hall was an elevator. I frantically pushed the elevator button. I didn’t know where I was going, and I didn’t care. I just had to get out. I was pressing the elevator down button over and over when I saw a nurse walk into my room. She didn’t see me at the far end of the hall. What is taking this elevator so long? I thought.
護士喊道：「多麗絲！」
The nurse shouted, “Doris!”
另一名護士走到房間。她驚訝地倒吸一口氣。
Another nurse walked to the room. She gasped in surprise.
我不知怎麼意識到房間裡發生的事情。第一名護士在床下和房間四周找，試圖找到她的昏迷病人。
I somehow had an awareness of what was going on in my room. The first nurse was looking under the bed and around the room, trying to find where her coma patient had gone.
多麗絲走出房間，上下打量走廊。我想，我可以跑下樓梯嗎？我甚至不知道樓梯在哪。她會找到我的！
Doris stepped back out of the room and looked up and down the hallways. I wondered, Can I run down the stairs? I don’t even know where the stairs are. She’s going to find me!”
然後多麗絲直視著我。我一手按著電梯按鈕，另一手抓著裹在腰間的病號服。多麗絲發出一聲恐怖電影般的尖叫。我差點鬆開病號服。
Then Doris looked straight at me. I had one hand on the elevator button and the other holding the hospital gown around my waist. Doris screamed a full-throated horror movie scream. I almost dropped the gown.
另一名護士從我的房間跑出來，兩個女人朝我跑來。我想過再次逃跑，但能感覺到她們的擔憂，我知道如果我離開，她們可能會有麻煩。出於對她們的尊重，我不能走。我讓她們護送我回房間。
The other nurse ran out of my room, and the two women ran down the hallway towards me. I thought about running again, but I could feel their worry, and I knew that they could get in trouble if I left. Out of respect for them, I couldn’t leave. I let them escort me back to my room.
我回到房間後不久，醫生和值班高級護士到達，我得回答一連串問題。
The doctor and the senior nurse on duty arrived shortly after I returned to my room, and I had to answer a battery of questions.
「你發生了什麼？」醫生問。他比我矮，可能五十多歲，透過厚鏡片眼鏡審視我。
“What happened to you?” the doctor asked. He was shorter than me, perhaps in his mid-fifties. He scrutinized me through thick-lensed glasses.
「我不知道。」
“I don’t know.”
我能感覺到他很不安，我的狀況對他來說毫無道理。他試圖弄清楚這怎麼可能發生。他幾乎不等我回答就問下一個問題。
I could sense that he was upset, and that nothing about my situation made sense to him. He was trying to figure out how this could have happened. He barely waited for a response before firing the next question at me.
「你知道今天是星期幾嗎？」「不知道。」
“Do you know the date?” “No.”
「你已經昏迷三天了。你知道自己的名字嗎？」
“You’ve been unconscious for three days. Do you know your name?”
「維尼·托爾曼。」這我答對了。「你知道你的生日嗎？」
“Vinney Tolman.” I got that one right. “Do you know your birth date?”
「9月7日。」這我也答對了。
“September seventh.” I got that one right, too.
「你知道你高中畢業的年份嗎？」「1996年。」我連續答對。
“Do you know the year you graduated high school?” “’96.” I was on a roll.
「現在是哪一年？」
“What year is it?”
隨著問題繼續，護士試圖重新連接到傳感器和設備，但我幾乎在她們重新連上時就撕下來。我無法忍受任何東西貼著我的皮膚。她們懇求我配合，最後我們達成妥協，只在右臂上放一個血壓袖帶，手上有兩個傳感器。
As the questions continued, the nurses attempted to reconnect me to the sensors and devices, but I ripped everything off almost as fast as they could reattach it. I couldn’t stand the feel of anything against my skin. They pleaded with me to cooperate, and we finally settled on a truce with a blood pressure cuff on my right arm, and two sensors on my hand.
他們還想給我供氧，因為我在昏迷時氧氣水平低，但氧氣傳感器顯示我的水平已恢復正常，所以他們放棄了這場爭鬥。
They also wanted to give me oxygen since my levels were low when I was in the coma, but the oxygen sensors indicated that my levels were back to normal, so they gave up that fight.
「聽著，我只想回家，」我說。
“Look, I just want to go home,” I said.
「這真的不是個好主意，」醫生堅持說。「我想讓你見神經科醫生和心臟科醫生。」
“That’s really not a good idea,” the doctor insisted. “I’d like you to meet with a neurologist and cardiologist.”
醫生轉向一名穿粉色制服的年輕護士，指示她進行全面的血液檢查和其他測試。我從未見過她，但那一刻我知道她家裡有個幼兒。我第一次意識到我知道一些我沒有理由知道的事情。
The doctor turned to a young nurse in pink scrubs and gave her instructions for a full battery of blood work and other tests. I had never seen her before, but in that moment, I knew that she had a toddler at home. For the first time, I realized that I knew things that I had no reason to know.
「我只想回家，」我重複，但似乎沒人再聽我說話。
“I just want to go home,” I repeated, but no one seemed to be listening to me anymore.
醫生對護士下完指令後，一名穿醫院保安制服的男子到來，確保我不會再次逃跑。他在門口徘徊了幾小時，然後無聲地離開，顯然滿意我不再是逃跑風險。
By the time the doctor was done giving orders to the nurse, a man in a hospital security uniform arrived to make sure I wasn’t going to run again. He hung around the door for a couple of hours then wandered off without a word, apparently satisfied that I was no longer a flight risk.
我一直按呼叫按鈕問護士我什麼時候能離開。我看不出有任何理由留在醫院。他們告訴我，離院不是他們的決定，關於出院的任何討論都推給了醫生。
I kept pushing my call button to ask the nurses how soon I would be able to leave. I couldn’t see any reason to stay in the hospital. They told me that my release was not their decision and deferred any discussions about my discharge to the doctor.
醫生終於回來時說：「我們真的想再留你一兩天，確保你真的沒事。」
When the doctor finally returned, he said, “We’d really like to keep you for another day or two, just to make sure you’re really okay.”
「不，謝謝。我真的想離開。」
“No, thank you. I really want to leave.”
醫生嘆了口氣，搖搖頭。「我們需要你簽署離院同意書。」
The doctor sighed and shook his head. “We’ll need you to sign release forms.”
「只要能讓我離開，我什麼都簽。」
“I’ll sign anything as long as it gets me out of here.”
護理人員又問了我幾小時問題，與醫生之前問的類型差不多：我的地址是什麼？我出生在哪裡？我讀哪所高中？似乎他們試圖抓住我的矛盾，證明我不適合回家。然後他們又讓我做了一次核磁共振掃描，這讓我感到特別幽閉恐懼，儘管只掃描了我的頭部。
The nursing staff quizzed me for several more hours, asking much the same type of questions as the doctor earlier: What was my address? Where was I born? Which high school did I attend? It seemed as if they were trying to catch me in a contradiction to prove that I wasn’t fit to go home. Then they ran me through an MRI scanner one more time, which made me feel especially claustrophobic, even though it only scanned my head.
凌晨5點換班時，一名神經科醫生走進我的房間。
At the 5:00 a.m. shift change, a neurologist walked into my room.
「這是我的奇蹟男孩，」他說，顯然對我充滿敬畏。「真的無法解釋你為什麼還活著，或者為什麼你的腦子還能運作。你應該已經死了，或者至少是植物人。這絕對是個奇蹟。」
“Here’s my miracle boy,” he said. He was clearly in awe of me. “There’s really no explanation as to why you’re alive, or why you still have a brain that works. You should be dead, or at least a vegetable. It’s an absolute miracle.”
我不知道這些。我不記得去羅布家之後的任何事。我甚至不記得去Dairy Queen。就像我記憶中有一個黑洞：我知道那裡有東西，但我不知道是什麼。接下來的一小時，我有源源不斷的訪客，一個接一個的醫生或護士進來看這個死了、昏迷三天、如今完全健康像什麼都沒發生過的人。
I didn’t know any of that. I remembered nothing after going to my buddy Rob’s house. I couldn’t even remember going to Dairy Queen. It was like I had a black hole of memory: I knew that there was something there, but I had no idea what it was. After the next hour, I had a steady stream of visitors, with one doctor or nurse after another coming in to see the guy who had died, was in a coma for three days, and was now perfectly healthy as if nothing had happened.
最終，在早上6點多，醫生和神經科醫生簽署了我的出院許可。在簽了近四十份表格後，我自己辦理了出院手續。一名護士打電話給我父親，安排他開車送我回家。老實說，他不是我首選的司機。我和父親多年來關係不親近。
Finally, a little after 6:00 a.m., the doctors and neurologist signed off on my discharge. After signing nearly forty forms, I checked myself out of the hospital. A nurse called my father and arranged for him to drive me home. Honestly, he wasn’t my first choice for a ride. My father and I weren’t close. We hadn’t been for years.
一小時後，我坐在醫院大廳的輪椅上，等待我的接送。一名高瘦的護工站在我身後，雙手握著輪椅把手。我的家人在我昏迷時已將我的個人物品帶回家，所以我只能穿一套護工給我的醫院綠色制服。襯衫還算合身，但褲子有點緊。我在輪椅上不舒服地挪動，將腳更深地塞進醫院拖鞋。
An hour later, I was sitting in a wheelchair in the hospital lobby, waiting for my ride. A tall, lanky orderly stood behind me, his hands gripping the wheelchair handles. My family had taken my personal possessions home while I was in a coma, so all I had to wear was a set of hospital-green scrubs that one of the orderlies gave me. The shirt fit well enough, but the pants were a little tight. I shifted uncomfortably in the wheelchair and slid my feet deeper into the hospital slippers.
當我看到我爸開車進主入口前的接送車道時，我感到胃裡一陣不安。我不期待他會給我同情，甚至不期待他會因為我活著而鬆一口氣。我只期待他送我回家，或許還有一些我不想回答的尷尬問題。我從輪椅上站起來，感謝護工，走向外面。
When I saw my dad drive into the pick-up lane in front of the main entrance, I felt a pit in my stomach. I didn’t expect sympathy from him, or even relief that I was alive. All I expected was a ride home, and maybe some awkward questions I didn’t want to answer. I stood up from the wheelchair, thanked the orderly, and walked outside.
我父親把車停在路邊，甚至沒關引擎，伸手推開副駕駛座的門。我默默爬進車裡，關上門。我們在回家的路上，我爸終於打破沉默。「你還好吧？」
My father pulled up to the curb and, without even killing the engine, reached across the passenger seat and pushed open the door. I silently climbed into the car and shut the door. We were on the road home when my dad finally broke the silence. “Are you okay?”
「嗯。」我不知道還能說什麼。「你會沒事吧？」
“Yeah.” I didn’t know what else to say. “Are you going to be okay?”
「嗯。」
“Yeah.”
「你今天要去上班嗎？」來自我爸的這個問題並不讓我驚訝。
“Are you going to work today?” The question didn’t surprise me, coming from my dad.
「我想不會。」
“I don’t think so.”
「明天呢？」
“Are you going to work tomorrow?”
「可能吧。」我看不出不去的理由。「羅布怎麼樣？」我問。「他們說他沒事。他們幫他洗了胃。」
“Probably.” I didn’t see a reason not to. “How’s Rob?” I asked. “They said he’s fine. They pumped his stomach.”
這就是我們對話的全部。後來我才知道，我母親當時在外地照顧親戚，甚至不知道我出了事。顯然，我爸和哥哥在等看我會不會活下來才告訴她。第二天我就回去上班了。
That was the extent of our conversation. I found out later that my mother had been out of town caring for a relative and didn’t even know that anything had happened to me. Apparently, my dad and brother were waiting to see if I was going to live or die before telling her. I went back to work the next day.
我星期三出現在工作場所，不確定我的老闆拉里·格萊姆會對我的回歸有什麼反應。沒人告訴他我在哪裡。拉里是個努力工作的人。即使六十多歲，他也能比他的建築團隊中幾乎任何員工都更賣力。
I showed up at work on Wednesday, not sure how my boss, Larry Gleim, would react to my return. No one had told him where I was. Larry was a hard worker. Even in his sixties, he could out-work just about any one of his employees on his construction team.
我走進工地，找到他。他轉頭朝我方向，透過厚框眼鏡看著我。
I walked onto the job site and sought him out. He turned his head in my direction and looked at me through his thick-framed glasses.
「哦，你還活著。」他諷刺地說。「兩天沒打電話沒來上班。我以為你死了。」
“Oh, you’re still alive.” He said sardonically. “No call and no show for two days. I thought you were dead.”
「我是死了，」我說。
“I was,” I said.
「什麼？」他不確定我是不是在開玩笑。「如果我還有工作，我會告訴你經過。」
“What?” He wasn’t sure if I was joking or not. “If I still have a job, I’ll tell you about it.”
他毫不猶豫。「當然，你有工作。我們有活要幹。」
He didn’t hesitate. “Of course, you have a job. We have work to do.”
除了從別人那聽來的，我真的沒什麼可告訴他的。我告訴他我在醫院醒來的事，給他看了急救員為氣管切開術做的切口。
Other than what I’d heard from others, I really didn’t have much to tell him. I did tell him about waking up in the hospital, and I showed him where the paramedic made the incision for the tracheotomy.
幾天後，我和哥哥及他的女友、姐姐塔米和她的兩個孩子在奧勒姆的Wingers餐廳吃晚餐。晚餐接近尾聲時，塔米把我拉到一邊。
Several days later, I went out to dinner at Wingers in Orem with my brother and his girlfriend, my older sister Tami, and her two children. As dinner was winding down, Tami pulled me aside.
「你記得關於死亡的任何事嗎？」她問。
“Do you remember anything about dying?” she asked.
意識上，我的想法是，不，什麼也沒發生，但她的問題觸發了一陣記憶洪流。就像硬盤深處隱藏的電腦文件被打開，信息在我腦海的螢幕上彈出。
Consciously, my thoughts were, no, nothing happened, but her question triggered a flood of memories. It was like a computer file hidden deep on a hard drive had been opened, and the information popped up onto the screen of my mind.
話語湧出。我告訴她我的靈魂引導者。我向她解釋，我必須接受教育才能回到我們來自的地方，我的引導者教我需要知道的東西。我告訴她我看到了天堂；那是一個真實的地方。
The words spilled out. I told her about my spirit guide. I explained to her that I had to be educated in order to return to where we come from, and my guide had taught me what I needed to know. I told her that I had seen heaven; that it was an actual place.
隨著話語流出，我的情緒也跟著湧動。站在餐廳中央，淚水從我臉頰流下。但即使我告訴她我死後發生的事，我的腦海裡也在進行一場戰鬥。我瘋了嗎？我真的經歷了那些，還是我的腦子編造的？
As the words flowed, so did my emotions. Standing in the middle of the restaurant, tears streamed down my cheeks. But even as I told her about what happened after I died, there was a battle going on inside my brain. Am I crazy? Did I really experience that or did my brain just make it up?
一開始，塔米顯得驚訝。有點懷疑。當我講完我的故事，她只說：「這有道理。」她認為我的經歷與她對來世的期望一致。我們回到家人所在的桌子，彷彿沒討論過死後的生活。
At first, Tami acted surprised. And a little skeptical. When I finished my story, all she said was, “That makes sense.” She had decided that my experience aligned with what she expected to happen after this life. We went back to the table with the rest of the family as though we hadn’t had a conversation about life after dying.
晚餐後，獨自坐在車裡，我責罵自己。你這個白癡。我想。為什麼要告訴她？我內心一個有力的聲音回應：「因為那是真實發生的。」
After dinner, sitting alone in my car, I berated myself. You idiot. I thought. Why did you tell her? A powerful voice inside of me responded, “Because that’s what happened.”
我現在正面臨一種新的掙扎。我不斷收到關於周圍人的靈性印象。我能感知到我看不到的東西。這不正常。是腦損傷了嗎？我要瘋了嗎？
I was now fighting a new kind of struggle. I kept getting spiritual impressions about the people around me. I could sense things that I couldn’t see. It wasn’t normal. Had there been brain damage? Was I going insane?
我也覺得不能告訴任何人。我擔心別人會評判我或說我瘋了。
I also felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I was worried about people judging me or calling me crazy.
最令人不安的是，我希望我的生活結束。我發現自己在想像「意外」結束生命的各種方式。我不敢計劃自殺。每當我的思緒朝那個方向偏離時，我能感覺到那些想法的能量與我想回到的地方完全相反。雖然這阻止了我傷害自己，但我不再感到自己的身體是家，我想回到真正的家，而不是這個假的。更可怕的是，如果它不存在怎麼辦？如果我只是想像出來的，這就是全部怎麼辦？那將是一種地獄。
Most disturbing of all was that I wanted my life to be over. I found myself imagining ways that I could “accidentally” end my life. I didn’t dare make plans to commit suicide. Any time my thoughts strayed in that direction, I could feel that the energy of those thoughts was the exact opposite of what I wanted to return to. While that kept me from harming myself, I no longer felt at home in my own skin, and I longed to return home to live in the real world, not this counterfeit of it. More terrifying was the fear of what if it didn’t exist? What if I imagined it and this was all there was? That would be a form of hell.
我決定需要專業幫助。我約了一位心理學家。見面時，我敞開心扉，分享了我的全部經歷。他說這可能只是因為缺氧導致我的大腦填補空白。他說這超出了他的幫助能力，轉介我給一位精神科醫生。當我與精神科醫生交談時，我也分享了我的經歷。
I decided that I needed professional help. I made an appointment to talk to a psychologist. When we met, I opened up and shared my entire experience with him. He replied that it was probably just my brain filling in the gaps due to lack of oxygen. He told me that it was beyond his ability to help me and referred me to a psychiatrist. When I spoke with the psychiatrist, I shared my experience with him, too.
「嗯，維尼，」他說。「看起來你在遭受妄想。這一切都在你的腦子裡。」
“Well, Vinney,” he said. “It appears that you are suffering from delusions. All of this is happening in your mind.”
我內心某個東西抗拒他的結論。他錯了，我知道。我最終屈服於壓在我身上的靈性印象。「那為什麼我知道這些東西？為什麼我知道——」
Something inside of me resisted his conclusion. He was wrong, and I knew it. I finally surrendered to the spiritual impressions that pressed in on me. “Then why do I know these things? Why do I know that—”
我開始分享湧入我腦海的信息，說得和我能說的一樣快——我本不應該知道的事情。關於他生活的私人事情，以及他藏在內心的想法。
I proceeded to share information about him that poured into my brain as fast as I could say it—things that I should not have known about. Personal things that only he knew about his life, and thoughts that he kept inside.
我說的東西觸發了精神科醫生。他突然臉紅，站起來，指著門。「滾出我的辦公室。我不想再見到你。」
Whatever I said triggered the psychiatrist. He suddenly turned red, stood, and pointed at the door. “Get the out of my office. I never want to see you again.”
震驚之下，我停止說話，收拾東西，走向門口。
Stunned, I stopped talking, gathered my things, and moved for the door.
當我走出去時，他說：「你身上發生了什麼。沒人能知道那些事。」他幾乎在我身後摔上了門。
As I walked out, he said, “Something happened to you. There’s no way anyone could know those things.” He practically slammed the door behind me.
他的接待員很尷尬。「對不起，我從沒見他這樣過。你說了什麼？」
His receptionist was mortified. “I’m so sorry. I’ve never seen him act like that before. What did you say?”
「我不知道，」我說。我離開了辦公室。
“I don’t know,” I said. I left the office.
我覺得我生命中最糟糕的事情是被救回來。
I felt that the worst thing that had ever happened in my life was being brought back to life.