如何贏回你所愛的人

How to Win Back the One You Love

「我懇求你告訴我，如何才能贏回我心愛的那個男人。」

“I beg you to tell me how to win back the man I love.”

若你所愛的男人是出於自己的選擇離去，那麼你幾乎不可能將他贏回。至少，你無法僅憑內在意圖 (Intention) 直接採取行動來“讓他回來”，包括任何試圖直接影響對方的舉動。即使你有所成效，那個人也不再是原來的他。(Note: 強調直接干預往往無法改變人的本質)

If the man you love left of his own choosing then it is highly unlikely that you can win him back. At least you will not be able to return him to your life with the efforts of inner intention, that is, by taking any actions directly aimed at ‘getting him back’. This would include any attempt to directly influence the person in question. Even if you were to have some success, the person would not be the same.

只有外在意圖 (Outer intention) 能真正贏回他。當你依靠內在意圖 (Intention) 時，你試圖直接影響世界以達成目標；而外在意圖 (Outer intention) 則是世界主動與你半途相會的力量。我可以簡短解釋外在意圖 (Outer intention) 的運作方式。(Note: 區分內在與外在意圖的不同效用)

Only outer intention will win him back. With inner intention you try to influence the world directly in pursuit of your goals. Outer intention works in such a way that the world itself meets you half way. I can briefly explain how outer intention works.

在感情關係中，伴侶之間通常受內在意圖 (Intention) 的支配，也就是他們希望從對方那裡得到某些東西，若得不到，便可能中斷關係。每個人都有自己在關係中尋求滿足的方式，可能需要愛、性、尊重、認可、某些個人特質的肯定、親密感、互相理解、逃避孤獨、歡樂等等。那麼，究竟是否存在一個共同元素將這些不同需求連結起來？這個共同元素一直存在，即是對個人自我價值（self-worth）的保護與確認。無論一個人的行動由何種原則驅動，其所有動機都與那股自我價值感息息相關，這正是人性本質的體現。(Note: 說明人際關係中的需求與自我價值之間的關聯)

In relationships partners are guided by inner intention, i.e. they want to receive something from the other and if they do not get it they break off the relationship. Everyone has their own way of finding fulfilment in their relationships. They may need love, sex, respect, acknowledgement, approval of certain personal qualities, closeness, mutual understanding, escape from loneliness, fun etc. Might there be one common element that unites these different needs? This common element has always existed and it remains the protection and confirmation of individual self-worth. Whatever guiding principles inform a person’s actions all personal motives are linked with the feeling of self-worth. It is human nature.

人際關係中的內在意圖 (Intention) 總是旨在以某種方式保護並確認個人的自我價值。你所愛的那個人的內在意圖 (Intention) 亦在於尋找一位能滿足其自我價值感的伴侶。(Note: 強調選擇伴侶與自我價值確認之間的關係)

Inner intention in human relationships is always aimed at protecting and confirming one’s self-worth in one form or another. This is what the inner intention of your loved one is aimed at – on finding a partner that will fulfil their sense of self-worth.

那麼，你的內在意圖 (Intention) 是為了什麼？它應該著眼於讓你所愛的人回來，進而第一步恢復你自己的自我價值，第二步重建曾給你滿足感的關係。(Note: 提出關係修復的雙重目的)

So what is your inner intention aimed at? Returning your loved on and in doing so, firstly restoring your own sense of self-worth and secondly, renewing a relationship which gave you a sense of fulfilment.

現在問問你自己：如果你僅依賴內在意圖 (Intention) 指引，是否真的能滿足你伴侶的需求？(Note: 反省單一策略是否足夠)

Now ask yourself whether you can fulfil your partner’s need if you allow yourself to be guided by inner intention alone.

若你希望贏回你的伴侶，你必須讓他的內在意圖 (Intention) 集中於你。不要責備他希望從你這裡獲得自我價值的確認，因為你自己也渴望從他那裡得到某種回報。(Note: 強調雙方需求的互補性)

If you wish to win your partner back you will have to give him the focus of his inner intention. Do not judge him for wanting to find confirmation of his worth in you, for you also wish to receive something from him.

你可能還記得 Frailing (Frailing) 的第一原則：拋棄接受的意圖，取而代之以給予的意圖，你就會獲得你曾經放棄的那樣東西。(Note: 引用Frailing原則)

You may recall that the first principle of Frailing sounds: abandon the intention to receive, replace it with the intention of giving and you will receive the very thing you gave up.

放棄你原有的內在意圖 (Intention)，不論它原先的目標是什麼。明確你伴侶內在意圖 (Intention) 的焦點，將你的抱負轉向滿足他們的需求。當你的行動一旦開始致力於滿足伴侶的需求時，你原本的內在意圖 (Intention) 就會自然而然轉變成外在意圖 (Outer intention)。(Note: 說明如何從自我導向轉為以他人為中心)

Abandon inner intention, whatever it is aimed at. Define the focus of your partner’s inner intention. Turn your aspirations towards fulfilling your partner’s intention. As soon as your actions are redirected towards fulfilling your partner’s needs your own inner intention will be transformed into outer intention.

採用這種做法後，你會發現不僅能令伴侶快樂，同時也從他那裡獲得你所渴望的，甚至更多。只要你能放棄接受的意圖，並以給予的意圖取代，你將立刻獲得那曾經放棄的東西。(Note: 強調付出與回報之間的轉化)

You will find that by adopting this approach you not only make your partner happy, but you receive from your partner everything you desired and more. If you can abandon the intention of receiving and replace it with the intention of giving you will instantly receive the thing you let go of.

這個原則運作得如此神奇，讓你彷彿感受到某種魔力在暗中運作。這便是真正的魔法，根本不需要任何咒語或愛情魔藥。(Note: 說明此方法的神奇效果)

This principle works so effectively that it makes you feel as if some magic power were at play. This is real magic. No spells or love potions are required.

儘管我們已經說過，但失去的東西再追回來，就像無法兩次踏進同一條河流一樣困難。在關係出現裂痕前，最好就遵守 Frailing (Frailing) 的原則。(Note: 強調及早採取正確行動的重要)

Despite all we have said it is as difficult to return something that has been lost as it is to step twice into the same river. It is better to try and adhere to the principles of Frailing before the relationship starts to suffer.

無論如何，在采取任何行動之前，若我身處你的境地，我會仔細考慮：你究竟是否真心想贏回這個男人，還是你只是在渴望恢復被他拋棄後失去的自我價值感。(Note: 提醒反思真正動機)

In any case, before you take any kind of action if I were in your shoes I would think very carefully about whether you really want to win this man back or whether what you really have is a burning desire to restore your lost (dumped by him) self-esteem.

我知道，被拒絕或忽視的感覺十分痛苦，但即便我了解你這段關係的所有細節與情況，也無法給出更具體的建議。我唯一能做的，就是提供一個工具，而如何運用，則全由你自己決定。(Note: 表達對情感痛苦的理解與方法的局限性)

It is very painful to feel rejected or neglected, I know. But even if I knew all the details and circumstances of your relationship I would still be incapable of advising anything more specific. All I can do is give you the tool. How you choose to use it only you can decide.

別忘了，你的世界層次 (World layer) 就是你的鏡子。如果你選擇受苦，事情就會如你所願地變得痛苦；但如果你運用協調內在與外在意圖 (Coordination of intention) 的原則，並將當前情境評價為純粹正面，結果自然也會如此。(Note: 說明評價與心態決定世界反饋)

Do not forget that the layer of your world is your mirror. If you prefer to suffer this is what will happen. If you apply the principle of coordinating intention and evaluate the current circumstances as exclusively positive, this is also how things will be.

你以為一切都亂了套，但難道你沒想到，也許你所面臨的分手，正是在拯救你免於遭遇尚未顯現的困境？告訴自己，一切正以其應有的方式展開，因為最終是你自己選擇歡喜或者沉淪。如果我是你，我會振作精神、歡呼雀躍，盡情享受鏡子所回饋的樂趣。(Note: 鼓勵以積極態度面對逆境)

You think that everything has gone wrong, but has it occurred to you that the split you’re your loved one might be saving you from as yet unseen problems? Tell yourself that everything is unfolding as it should for it is up to you whether you choose to delight or to suffer. If I was you I would take heart, jump for joy and clap my hands in delight. Let the mirror give you pleasure.

「我也遇到了同樣的問題。我所愛的女人正在離我而去——我的妻子（我們約會了三年，結婚四年）。」

“I have the same problem. The woman I love is leaving me – my wife (we were going out for three years and have been married for four).

分手的主要原因在於我自身的財務不安全感。從某種程度上來看，我過於柔弱、膽小且過分謹慎。我的妻子認為，憑著我的知識與經驗，我應該創業，因為性格溫和的我，很難爬上職涯階梯，而建立職涯並非真正屬於創意型人才的追求。(Note: 描述個人性格與職業挑戰)

The main reason for the separation is my own financial insecurity. In many ways I am too soft, timid and overly cautious. My wife thinks that with my knowledge and experience I should create my own business because it is difficult when you have a gentle nature as I do to climb to the top of the career ladder. And building a career is not really the thing for a creative type.

部分情況下，我也同意妻子的看法。我常常過於仔細，不停地尋求更多資訊與經驗。在職涯中，我在同一職位工作從未超過兩年，這雖令我獲得多元商業經驗，但也顯露出我那過於好接受的性格，這反而使我難以建立穩定的職業。(Note: 平衡個性優點與缺陷)

In some ways I agree with my wife. I tend to be too thorough always looking for additional information or ways of gaining more experience. Over the course of my career I have not worked at any one position for longer than two years (which has given me varied experience and knowledge in business). One of the strong points of my personality is that I am very receptive. This is also a disadvantage as it is a personality trait that makes it harder for me to build a career.

我的妻子追求穩定、可靠和孩子，這也正是我個人的需求，但我不認為這些會在傳統職涯中自然萌芽，而應依據設計一套盈利體系（business model）的原則來實現。這需要的知識與經驗，一直都是我的最高優先事項。(Note: 強調目標與自身價值的契合)

My wife wants stability, reliability and children. These are my personal motivations too but I do not see them developing in the context of a career, so much as on the principle of designing a profitable system (business model). This requires knowledge and experience which have always been among my highest priorities.

三個月前，我和妻子終於離婚，如今她憑藉自己的薪水租住在另一個公寓。她正在尋找自我，但我們的關係卻日益冷漠，似乎不再想見我。我該如何贏回她呢？(Note: 表達對關係破裂與求解的疑惑)

Three months ago my wife and I finally divorced and now my wife is renting a separate flat which her salary enables her to do. She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me. How can I win her back?”

我無法給你一個具體的解方來解決問題。只有在局面極為明朗時，我才會提出具體方案；即便如此，我的意見也僅僅是主觀且容易出錯。若我不知答案，就會求助直覺；若直覺亦不見靈驗，我會建議採用 Transurfing 的某個法則，因為我明白這絕不會帶來傷害。(Note: 強調方法的靈活與個體差異)

I cannot give you a specific recipe to solve your problems. I offer specific solutions only in cases where the situation is crystal clear. And yet even then my opinion is purely subjective and so fallible. If I do not know the answer to a problem I ask my intuition. If my intuition does not help I recommend applying one of the principles of Transurfing because I know that this will not do any harm.

就此情境而言，我的直覺與這樣一個原則相符：你必須全心聆聽內心的聲音。有人會說成功屬於好職業、穩定與高薪，但這些都與我們真正的目標無關。難道人生的真正道路，就是爬上職涯階梯嗎？(Note: 質疑傳統成功定義)

In this case, my intuition coincides with the principle according to which you must totally listen to the voice of your heart. Others would say that success lies in a good career, stability and a high-paying salary, but these things have no relation to our goals. Surely one cannot call one’s true path in life climbing up the career ladder?

職業、穩定、高薪本身並非真正的目標，而只是目標附帶的特質。你真正想要的是將生活變成一場慶典的那種目標。若你用附屬特質代替真正的目標，就永遠無法真正達成成功；當你實現了真正的目標，那些附屬特質自然而然地隨之而來，例如成為領軍人物便會帶來生活的所有優勢。(Note: 闡述目標與附帶成果的區別)

Careers, stability, high-paying salaries really are not goals in themselves. They are the accompanying attributes of goals. Your true goal is the thing that will turn your life into a celebration. You will never achieve anything by substituting a goal for an accompanying attribute. Attributes come of their own accord as a result of achieving the goal. For example, you receive all the benefits of life as a result of becoming a leading specialist in your field.

追求真正的目標，而非僅僅追逐目標能帶來的利益，這是明智之舉。這一觀念看似顯而易見，但矛盾的是，它僅在短暫的一瞬間閃現於人們的意識中，隨即便被那些黏膩的附帶特質掩蓋。(Note: 告誡專注於真正的目標)

It makes sense to strive for your goal and not for the benefits it will bring. It seems obvious. It is something anyone can understand but the paradox is that this notion rises up in a small flash in people’s awareness and is thereby eclipsed in the sticky gloss of attributes.

人們就像飛蛾撲火一般追逐那些表面的特質，但卻往往一事無成。如果你只是追求目標的附屬特質，而非目標本身，又怎可能獲得真正的成功？這正是「豐盛只屬於少數人」迷思產生的根源。(Note: 指出追逐表象的無效)

People strive after attributes like moths to a light-bulb except that it does not get them anywhere. How can you achieve success if you work towards the goal’s attributes rather than the goal itself. This is where the myth comes from that great abundance is the pleasure of a chose few.

公眾輿論總是強加各種刻板印象，而這些印象僅來自可見的最終結果；但成功其實是在朝向目標奮進的過程中實現的。結果總是顯而易見，而那實現過程則隱藏在陰影之中。於是，刻板印象便造就了：「追求職業和好收入」，也就是說「直奔光明！」(Note: 揭露社會對成功的片面定義)

Public opinion imposes its stereotypes but the image of the stereotype is solely taken from the visible end results whereas success comes in the process of moving towards the goal. The end results are always visible, whereas the process that tells the story of how the goal was achieved remains concealed in the shadows. As a result the stereotype is created: go after a career and good money, in other words “make straight for the light-bulb!”

人們只看到那些已經燦爛閃耀的明星，而真正注意到促成成功的道路者卻寥寥無幾。所有明星都曾穿越過重重失敗與挫折的叢林。只有堅信自己走在正確道路上，成功才會報以微笑。請以不屈不撓的精神朝著你的目標前進，並記住：無論如何，替代流 (Alternatives flow) 都會依照應有方向展開，沒有人能預知目標何時、如何達成。(Note: 呼籲堅持與信心)

All people see is the gloss of stars already risen. There are few who turn their attention to the path that brought the star to the peaks of their success. All stars pass through a thick forest of setbacks and failure. Success only smiles on those who are convinced they walk their true path. Move towards your goal with indomitable spirit and remember: whatever happens, the alternatives flow unfolds in the direction it should. No-one can know when or how the goal will be achieved.

若你沿著刻板印象既定的路徑前行，成功似乎是板上釘釘，但最終獲得的成就往往平庸且需要付出巨大努力；如果想要達到非凡成就，你必須明確定下自己的目標，堅定不移地朝著它前進，不在乎他人怎麼說。聽取他人的建議當然無妨，但最終的決定必須出自你的內心。唯有如此，你才不會像黑暗中苦苦掙扎的飛蛾般不停地撞向燈泡。(Note: 強調個人目標和內心抉擇的重要性)

If you walk in the footsteps of stereotypes you are certain to be successful but the level of your success will be mediocre and require immense effort. To achieve huge success you must define your goal and move towards it unfalteringly irrespective of what anyone else might try and tell you. There is no harm in taking other people’s advice into account but ultimately decision must be made with the heart. Only then will you stop beating your wings up against the light bulb like a moth in the dark.

適切的決定總是源自於心意合一 (Unity of heart and mind)，而完全不恰當的決定則建立在內心不適的感覺之上。如果一個決定在你內心深處引起一絲似乎出於義務感的不安，那意味著你的心在說「不」；反之，若決定讓你全無內在不適，則可能代表心在說「是」或「我不知道」。在這種情況下，由你的心智來做最終選擇；若這個決定對你而言正確，你的心就會歡唱，而你的心智也將欣喜若狂。(Note: 強調心意合一與內心感受對決策的重要影響)

The appropriate decision is always born from unity of heart and mind. A categorically inappropriate decision is a decision that is based on a feeling of inner discomfort. If a decision causes you the slightest feeling of unease in your gut similar to feelings of obligation your heart is saying “no”. If on the other hand the decision you have made does not cause you any inner discomfort the heart is saying “yes” or “I do not know”. In this case your mind makes the final choice. If the decision is right for you the heart will sing and the mind will rub its hands in glee.

另一方面，如果你無法明確定義你的目標，就別自我折磨。生活並非離了目標就無法運轉；如果你願意，就可以選擇一種無所追求的生活方式。這種情況下，我唯一能給的建議就是隨流而動，而不僅僅是被流勢牽著走。換句話說，你需要遵循協調原則，讓生活走向平靜和舒適；當你不再慌亂地追尋，目標必將自然顯現。(Note: 鼓勵順應自然、保持內心平靜)

On the other hand, if you cannot define your goal do not torment yourself with trying. It is not like you cannot live without a goal. Why not just live without striving towards something, if that is what you want. If this is the case then there is only one piece of advice I can give which is to move with the flow, and not just be carried along by the flow. In other words, you need to observe the principle of coordination and then life will take a calm, comfortable course. Your goal will no doubt reveal itself when you cease fitful attempts to find it.

關於如何贏回你妻子的問題，我恐怕無法提供具體建議。你所描述的關鍵在於——「她正在尋找自我，但我們的關係日益冷淡，她似乎不願見我」——這已清楚顯示問題並不在於財務穩定與否；若她不再愛你，挽回她便是不可能的。(Note: 強調感情的本質無法單靠物質條件來彌補)

As far as your question goes concerning how to win back your wife I am afraid there is nothing I can advise you. The key phrase: “She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me” it is clear that the problem is not financial stability and the lack of it. If she does not love you it is impossible to win her back.

如何贏回你所愛的人

How to Win Back the One You Love

“我懇求你告訴我如何贏回我所愛的男人。”

“I beg you to tell me how to win back the man I love.”

如果你所愛的男人是自己選擇離開的，那麼你很可能無法贏回他。至少你無法通過內在意圖(Inner intention)的努力將他帶回你的生活，也就是說，通過採取任何直接針對“讓他回來”的行動。這包括任何試圖直接影響相關人的嘗試。即使你取得了一些成功，那個人也不會是同一個人。

If the man you love left of his own choosing then it is highly unlikely that you can win him back. At least you will not be able to return him to your life with the efforts of inner intention, that is, by taking any actions directly aimed at ‘getting him back’. This would include any attempt to directly influence the person in question. Even if you were to have some success, the person would not be the same.

只有外在意圖(Outer intention)才能贏回他。通過內在意圖(Inner intention)，你試圖直接影響世界以追求你的目標。外在意圖(Outer intention)的運作方式是世界本身會與你妥協。我可以簡要解釋外在意圖(Outer intention)如何運作。

Only outer intention will win him back. With inner intention you try to influence the world directly in pursuit of your goals. Outer intention works in such a way that the world itself meets you half way. I can briefly explain how outer intention works.

在關係中，伴侶由內在意圖(Inner intention)指導，即他們想從對方那裡得到一些東西，如果得不到就會斷絕關係。每個人都有自己的方式在關係中找到滿足。他們可能需要愛、性、尊重、對某些個人特質的認可、親密、相互理解、逃避孤獨、樂趣等。是否有一個共同的元素將這些不同的需求聯繫在一起？這個共同的元素一直存在，它仍然是保護和確認個人自我價值。無論指導原則是什麼，所有個人動機都與自我價值的感覺有關。這是人性。

In relationships partners are guided by inner intention, i.e. they want to receive something from the other and if they do not get it they break off the relationship. Everyone has their own way of finding fulfilment in their relationships. They may need love, sex, respect, acknowledgement, approval of certain personal qualities, closeness, mutual understanding, escape from loneliness, fun etc. Might there be one common element that unites these different needs? This common element has always existed and it remains the protection and confirmation of individual self-worth. Whatever guiding principles inform a person’s actions all personal motives are linked with the feeling of self-worth. It is human nature.

人際關係中的內在意圖(Inner intention)總是旨在以某種形式保護和確認自己的自我價值。這就是你所愛之人的內在意圖(Inner intention)所針對的——找到一個能滿足他們自我價值感的伴侶。

Inner intention in human relationships is always aimed at protecting and confirming one’s self-worth in one form or another. This is what the inner intention of your loved one is aimed at – on finding a partner that will fulfil their sense of self-worth.

那麼你的內在意圖(Inner intention)是什麼？是要贏回你所愛的人，並在這樣做的過程中，首先恢復你自己的自我價值感，其次，重建一段給你帶來滿足感的關係。

So what is your inner intention aimed at? Returning your loved on and in doing so, firstly restoring your own sense of self-worth and secondly, renewing a relationship which gave you a sense of fulfilment.

現在問問自己，如果你只依靠內在意圖(Inner intention)來指導自己，你能否滿足伴侶的需求。

Now ask yourself whether you can fulfil your partner’s need if you allow yourself to be guided by inner intention alone.

如果你想贏回你的伴侶，你必須給予他內在意圖(Inner intention)的焦點。不要因為他想在你身上找到自我價值的確認而評判他，因為你也希望從他那裡得到一些東西。

If you wish to win your partner back you will have to give him the focus of his inner intention. Do not judge him for wanting to find confirmation of his worth in you, for you also wish to receive something from him.

你可能記得Frailing的第一原則是：放棄接受的意圖(Intention)，用給予的意圖(Intention)取而代之，你將得到你放棄的東西。

You may recall that the first principle of Frailing sounds: abandon the intention to receive, replace it with the intention of giving and you will receive the very thing you gave up.

放棄內在意圖(Inner intention)，無論它針對什麼。確定你伴侶內在意圖(Inner intention)的焦點。將你的抱負轉向滿足你伴侶的意圖(Intention)。一旦你的行動轉向滿足你伴侶的需求，你自己的內在意圖(Inner intention)將轉化為外在意圖(Outer intention)。

Abandon inner intention, whatever it is aimed at. Define the focus of your partner’s inner intention. Turn your aspirations towards fulfilling your partner’s intention. As soon as your actions are redirected towards fulfilling your partner’s needs your own inner intention will be transformed into outer intention.

你會發現，通過採用這種方法，你不僅讓你的伴侶快樂，還從伴侶那裡得到你所渴望的一切，甚至更多。如果你能放棄接受的意圖(Intention)，用給予的意圖(Intention)取而代之，你將立即得到你放棄的東西。

You will find that by adopting this approach you not only make your partner happy, but you receive from your partner everything you desired and more. If you can abandon the intention of receiving and replace it with the intention of giving you will instantly receive the thing you let go of.

這個原則如此有效，以至於讓你感覺好像某種魔力在發揮作用。這是真正的魔法。不需要咒語或愛情藥水。

This principle works so effectively that it makes you feel as if some magic power were at play. This is real magic. No spells or love potions are required.

儘管我們說了這麼多，要恢復失去的東西就像再次踏入同一條河流一樣困難。最好在關係開始受損之前嘗試遵循Frailing的原則。

Despite all we have said it is as difficult to return something that has been lost as it is to step twice into the same river. It is better to try and adhere to the principles of Frailing before the relationship starts to suffer.

無論如何，在你採取任何行動之前，如果我是你，我會仔細考慮你是否真的想贏回這個男人，還是你真正有的是一種強烈的願望，想要恢復你失去的（被他拋棄的）自尊。

In any case, before you take any kind of action if I were in your shoes I would think very carefully about whether you really want to win this man back or whether what you really have is a burning desire to restore your lost (dumped by him) self-esteem.

我知道感到被拒絕或被忽視是非常痛苦的。但即使我知道你們關係的所有細節和情況，我仍然無法提供更具體的建議。我所能做的就是給你工具。如何選擇使用它只有你能決定。

It is very painful to feel rejected or neglected, I know. But even if I knew all the details and circumstances of your relationship I would still be incapable of advising anything more specific. All I can do is give you the tool. How you choose to use it only you can decide.

別忘了，你的世界層(World layer)是你的鏡子。如果你選擇受苦，這就是會發生的。如果你應用意圖協調原則(Coordination of intention)並將當前情況評估為完全正面，事情也會如此發展。

Do not forget that the layer of your world is your mirror. If you prefer to suffer this is what will happen. If you apply the principle of coordinating intention and evaluate the current circumstances as exclusively positive, this is also how things will be.

你認為一切都出了問題，但你有沒有想過，與你所愛之人的分開可能正在拯救你免於尚未看到的問題？告訴自己一切都在如期展開，因為是由你決定是選擇快樂還是受苦。如果我是你，我會振作起來，跳起來歡呼，拍手叫好。讓鏡子給你帶來快樂。

You think that everything has gone wrong, but has it occurred to you that the split you’re your loved one might be saving you from as yet unseen problems? Tell yourself that everything is unfolding as it should for it is up to you whether you choose to delight or to suffer. If I was you I would take heart, jump for joy and clap my hands in delight. Let the mirror give you pleasure.

“我有同樣的問題。我所愛的女人正在離開我——我的妻子（我們交往了三年，結婚了四年）。

“I have the same problem. The woman I love is leaving me – my wife (we were going out for three years and have been married for four).

分開的主要原因是我自己的財務不安全。在很多方面，我太軟弱、膽怯和過於謹慎。我的妻子認為，憑藉我的知識和經驗，我應該創建自己的事業，因為像我這樣性情溫和的人很難在職業階梯上攀升。而建立職業生涯對於創意型的人來說並不是真正的事情。

The main reason for the separation is my own financial insecurity. In many ways I am too soft, timid and overly cautious. My wife thinks that with my knowledge and experience I should create my own business because it is difficult when you have a gentle nature as I do to climb to the top of the career ladder. And building a career is not really the thing for a creative type.

在某些方面，我同意我的妻子。我往往過於徹底，總是尋找額外的信息或獲取更多經驗的方法。在我的職業生涯中，我在任何一個職位上工作的時間都不超過兩年（這讓我在商業方面獲得了多樣的經驗和知識）。我個性的一個強項是我非常善於接受。這也是一個缺點，因為這是一種性格特徵，使我更難建立職業生涯。

In some ways I agree with my wife. I tend to be too thorough always looking for additional information or ways of gaining more experience. Over the course of my career I have not worked at any one position for longer than two years (which has given me varied experience and knowledge in business). One of the strong points of my personality is that I am very receptive. This is also a disadvantage as it is a personality trait that makes it harder for me to build a career.

我的妻子想要穩定、可靠和孩子。這些也是我的個人動機，但我不認為它們會在職業的背景下發展，而是在設計一個盈利系統（商業模式）的原則上。這需要知識和經驗，這些一直是我最高的優先事項之一。

My wife wants stability, reliability and children. These are my personal motivations too but I do not see them developing in the context of a career, so much as on the principle of designing a profitable system (business model). This requires knowledge and experience which have always been among my highest priorities.

三個月前，我和我的妻子最終離婚了，現在我的妻子租了一套她薪水能夠負擔的單獨公寓。她正在尋找自我，但我們的關係變得冷淡，她似乎不想見我。我該如何贏回她？”

Three months ago my wife and I finally divorced and now my wife is renting a separate flat which her salary enables her to do. She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me. How can I win her back?”

我無法給你一個具體的解決方案來解決你的問題。我只在情況非常明朗的情況下提供具體的解決方案。然而，即便如此，我的意見純粹是主觀的，因此可能會出錯。如果我不知道問題的答案，我會詢問我的直覺。如果我的直覺沒有幫助，我建議應用Transurfing的原則之一，因為我知道這不會造成任何傷害。

I cannot give you a specific recipe to solve your problems. I offer specific solutions only in cases where the situation is crystal clear. And yet even then my opinion is purely subjective and so fallible. If I do not know the answer to a problem I ask my intuition. If my intuition does not help I recommend applying one of the principles of Transurfing because I know that this will not do any harm.

在這種情況下，我的直覺與一個原則一致，即你必須完全聆聽心靈的聲音。其他人會說成功在於良好的職業生涯、穩定和高薪，但這些與我們的目標無關。當然，不能稱生活的真正道路是爬上職業階梯。

In this case, my intuition coincides with the principle according to which you must totally listen to the voice of your heart. Others would say that success lies in a good career, stability and a high-paying salary, but these things have no relation to our goals. Surely one cannot call one’s true path in life climbing up the career ladder?

職業、穩定、高薪本身並不是目標。它們是目標的伴隨屬性。你的真正目標是將你的生活變成一場慶祝。通過用伴隨屬性代替目標，你永遠無法實現任何事情。屬性是實現目標的結果自然而然地出現的。例如，你成為你領域的領先專家後，獲得了生活的所有好處。

Careers, stability, high-paying salaries really are not goals in themselves. They are the accompanying attributes of goals. Your true goal is the thing that will turn your life into a celebration. You will never achieve anything by substituting a goal for an accompanying attribute. Attributes come of their own accord as a result of achieving the goal. For example, you receive all the benefits of life as a result of becoming a leading specialist in your field.

追求你的目標而不是它將帶來的好處是有意義的。這似乎顯而易見。這是任何人都可以理解的事情，但矛盾的是，這個概念在人們的意識中閃現出來，然後被屬性的粘性光澤所掩蓋。

It makes sense to strive for your goal and not for the benefits it will bring. It seems obvious. It is something anyone can understand but the paradox is that this notion rises up in a small flash in people’s awareness and is thereby eclipsed in the sticky gloss of attributes.

人們像飛蛾撲火一樣追求屬性，但這並不能帶他們到任何地方。如果你朝著目標的屬性而不是目標本身努力，你如何能夠取得成功。這就是偉大豐盛是少數人享受的樂趣的神話來源。

People strive after attributes like moths to a light-bulb except that it does not get them anywhere. How can you achieve success if you work towards the goal’s attributes rather than the goal itself. This is where the myth comes from that great abundance is the pleasure of a chose few.

公眾意見強加了其刻板印象，但刻板印象的形象僅取自可見的最終結果，而成功來自於朝著目標前進的過程。最終結果總是可見的，而講述目標如何實現的過程則隱藏在陰影中。結果創造了刻板印象：追求職業和好錢，換句話說，“直奔光源！”

Public opinion imposes its stereotypes but the image of the stereotype is solely taken from the visible end results whereas success comes in the process of moving towards the goal. The end results are always visible, whereas the process that tells the story of how the goal was achieved remains concealed in the shadows. As a result the stereotype is created: go after a career and good money, in other words “make straight for the light-bulb!”

所有人看到的只是已經升起的明星的光芒。很少有人將注意力轉向將明星帶到成功巔峰的道路。所有明星都經歷了一片挫折和失敗的茂密森林。成功只對那些堅信自己走在真正道路上的人微笑。以不屈不撓的精神朝著你的目標前進，記住：無論發生什麼，可能性流動(Alternatives flow)都會朝著應有的方向展開。沒有人能知道目標何時或如何實現。

All people see is the gloss of stars already risen. There are few who turn their attention to the path that brought the star to the peaks of their success. All stars pass through a thick forest of setbacks and failure. Success only smiles on those who are convinced they walk their true path. Move towards your goal with indomitable spirit and remember: whatever happens, the alternatives flow unfolds in the direction it should. No-one can know when or how the goal will be achieved.

如果你追隨刻板印象的腳步，你肯定會成功，但你的成功水平將是平庸的，並需要巨大的努力。要取得巨大的成功，你必須定義你的目標，並不懈地朝著它前進，不管其他人可能會試圖告訴你什麼。考慮他人的建議沒有害處，但最終決定必須由心靈做出。只有這樣，你才會停止像黑暗中的飛蛾一樣拍打翅膀撞向光源。

If you walk in the footsteps of stereotypes you are certain to be successful but the level of your success will be mediocre and require immense effort. To achieve huge success you must define your goal and move towards it unfalteringly irrespective of what anyone else might try and tell you. There is no harm in taking other people’s advice into account but ultimately decision must be made with the heart. Only then will you stop beating your wings up against the light bulb like a moth in the dark.

適當的決定總是來自心靈合一(Unity of heart and mind)。一個絕對不合適的決定是基於內心不適感的決定。如果一個決定讓你感到一絲不安，類似於義務感，那麼你的心靈在說“不”。另一方面，如果你做出的決定沒有引起任何內心不適，心靈在說“是”或“我不知道”。在這種情況下，你的心靈做出最終選擇。如果這個決定對你來說是正確的，心靈會歌唱，心靈會欣喜若狂。

The appropriate decision is always born from unity of heart and mind. A categorically inappropriate decision is a decision that is based on a feeling of inner discomfort. If a decision causes you the slightest feeling of unease in your gut similar to feelings of obligation your heart is saying “no”. If on the other hand the decision you have made does not cause you any inner discomfort the heart is saying “yes” or “I do not know”. In this case your mind makes the final choice. If the decision is right for you the heart will sing and the mind will rub its hands in glee.

另一方面，如果你無法明確你的目標，不要折磨自己去嘗試。這並不是說你不能沒有目標而活。為什麼不乾脆不去追求什麼，只是生活下去，如果這是你想要的話。在這種情況下，我唯一能給的建議就是隨波逐流，而不僅僅是被流帶著走。換句話說，你需要遵循協調原則(Coordination of intention)，然後生活將會走上一條平靜、舒適的道路。當你停止不斷嘗試尋找目標時，目標無疑會顯現出來。

On the other hand, if you cannot define your goal do not torment yourself with trying. It is not like you cannot live without a goal. Why not just live without striving towards something, if that is what you want. If this is the case then there is only one piece of advice I can give which is to move with the flow, and not just be carried along by the flow. In other words, you need to observe the principle of coordination and then life will take a calm, comfortable course. Your goal will no doubt reveal itself when you cease fitful attempts to find it.

至於你關於如何贏回你妻子的問題，我恐怕無法給你任何建議。關鍵短語是：“她正在尋找自我，但我們的關係變得冷淡，她似乎不想見我。”這顯示問題不在於財務穩定與否。如果她不愛你，那麼贏回她是不可能的。

As far as your question goes concerning how to win back your wife I am afraid there is nothing I can advise you. The key phrase: “She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me” it is clear that the problem is not financial stability and the lack of it. If she does not love you it is impossible to win her back.

“我懇求你告訴我如何贏回我愛的男人。”

How to Win Back the One You Love

如果你愛的男人自願離開，你很難贏回他。至少，你無法通過內在意圖 (Inner Intention) 的努力將他帶回你的生活，即通過直接針對“贏回他”的行動。這包括任何試圖直接影響該人的嘗試。即使你有些成功，那個人也不會是同一個。

“I beg you to tell me how to win back the man I love.”

只有外在意圖 (Outer Intention) 能贏回他。內在意圖試圖直接影響世界追求你的目標。外在意圖以世界自身與你相會的方式運作。我可以簡要解釋外在意圖如何運作。

If the man you love left of his own choosing then it is highly unlikely that you can win him back. At least you will not be able to return him to your life with the efforts of inner intention, that is, by taking any actions directly aimed at ‘getting him back’. This would include any attempt to directly influence the person in question. Even if you were to have some success, the person would not be the same.

只有外在意圖 (Outer Intention) 能贏回他。內在意圖 (Inner Intention) 試圖直接影響世界以追求你的目標。外在意圖的運作方式是世界本身與你相會。我可以簡要解釋外在意圖如何運作。

Only outer intention will win him back. With inner intention you try to influence the world directly in pursuit of your goals. Outer intention works in such a way that the world itself meets you half way. I can briefly explain how outer intention works.

在關係中，伴侶由內在意圖引導，即他們想從對方獲得某物，若未獲得則終止關係。每個人有自己的方式在關係中尋找滿足。他們可能需要愛、性、尊重、認可、某些個人品質的肯定、親密、相互理解、逃避孤獨、樂趣等。這些不同需求有無共同元素？這共同元素始終存在，即保護和確認個人自我價值 (Self-Worth)。無論一個人的行動由什麼原則引導，所有個人動機都與自我價值感相關。這是人性。

In relationships partners are guided by inner intention, i.e. they want to receive something from the other and if they do not get it they break off the relationship. Everyone has their own way of finding fulfilment in their relationships. They may need love, sex, respect, acknowledgement, approval of certain personal qualities, closeness, mutual understanding, escape from loneliness, fun etc. Might there be one common element that unites these different needs? This common element has always existed and it remains the protection and confirmation of individual self-worth. Whatever guiding principles inform a person’s actions all personal motives are linked with the feeling of self-worth. It is human nature.

人際關係中的內在意圖總是旨在以某種形式保護和確認自我價值。這是你愛的人的內在意圖所針對的——尋找能滿足其自我價值感的伴侶。

Inner intention in human relationships is always aimed at protecting and confirming one’s self-worth in one form or another. This is what the inner intention of your loved one is aimed at – on finding a partner that will fulfil their sense of self-worth.

那麼你的內在意圖針對什麼？贏回你的愛人，這樣做，首先恢復你自己的自我價值感，其次，恢復給你滿足感的關係。

So what is your inner intention aimed at? Returning your loved on and in doing so, firstly restoring your own sense of self-worth and secondly, renewing a relationship which gave you a sense of fulfilment.

現在問自己，如果你僅由內在意圖引導，你能滿足伴侶的需求嗎？

Now ask yourself whether you can fulfil your partner’s need if you allow yourself to be guided by inner intention alone.

如果 你想贏回伴侶，你必須給他其內在意圖的焦點。不要因他想在你身上找到自我價值的確認而評判他，因為你也希望從他那裡得到某物。

If you wish to win your partner back you will have to give him the focus of his inner intention. Do not judge him for wanting to find confirmation of his worth in you, for you also wish to receive something from him.

你可能記得靈魂特質調諧 (Frailing) 的第一原則：放棄接收的意圖，改以給予的意圖，你會收到你放棄的東西。

You may recall that the first principle of Frailing sounds: abandon the intention to receive, replace it with the intention of giving and you will receive the very thing you gave up.

放棄內在意圖，無論它針對什麼。定義你伴侶內在意圖的焦點。將你的志向轉向滿足伴侶的意圖。一旦你的行動重新導向滿足伴侶的需求，你的內在意圖會轉化為外在意圖。

Abandon inner intention, whatever it is aimed at. Define the focus of your partner’s inner intention. Turn your aspirations towards fulfilling your partner’s intention. As soon as your actions are redirected towards fulfilling your partner’s needs your own inner intention will be transformed into outer intention.

你會發現，採取這種方法不僅讓你的伴侶快樂，你也會從伴侶那裡得到你渴望的一切，甚至更多。如果 你能放棄接收的意圖，改以給予的意圖，你會立即收到你放棄的東西。

You will find that by adopting this approach you not only make your partner happy, but you receive from your partner everything you desired and more. If you can abandon the intention of receiving and replace it with the intention of giving you will instantly receive the thing you let go of.

這原則非常有效，讓你感覺有某種魔力在發揮作用。這是真正的魔法。無需咒語或愛情藥水。

This principle works so effectively that it makes you feel as if some magic power were at play. This is real magic. No spells or love potions are required.

儘管我們說了這些，恢復失去的東西就像再次踏進同一條河一樣困難。最好在關係開始受損前遵循靈魂特質調諧的原則。

Despite all we have said it is as difficult to return something that has been lost as it is to step twice into the same river. It is better to try and adhere to the principles of Frailing before the relationship starts to suffer.

無論如何，在採取任何行動前，如果我是你，我會非常仔細思考你是否真想贏回這個男人，還是你真正有的是恢復被他拋棄的自我價值感的強烈渴望。

In any case, before you take any kind of action if I were in your shoes I would think very carefully about whether you really want to win this man back or whether what you really have is a burning desire to restore your lost (dumped by him) self-esteem.

感到被拒絕或忽視非常痛苦，我知道。但即使我知道你關係的所有細節和情況，我也無法給出更具體的建議。我能做的只是給你工具。你如何選擇使用它，只有你能決定。

It is very painful to feel rejected or neglected, I know. But even if I knew all the details and circumstances of your relationship I would still be incapable of advising anything more specific. All I can do is give you the tool. How you choose to use it only you can decide.

不要忘記，你的世界層 (World Layer) 是你的鏡子。如果你選擇痛苦，這會發生。如果 你應用協調意圖原則 (Coordinating Intention)，將當前情況視為完全正面，事情也會如此。

Do not forget that the layer of your world is your mirror. If you prefer to suffer this is what will happen. If you apply the principle of coordinating intention and evaluate the current circumstances as exclusively positive, this is also how things will be.

你認為一切都錯了，但你有沒有想過，與愛人的分離可能在救你免於尚未看到的問題？告訴自己一切如應有地展開，因為由你決定是選擇喜悅還是痛苦。如果我是你，我會鼓起勇氣，跳躍歡呼，拍手喜悅。讓鏡子給你快樂。

You think that everything has gone wrong, but has it occurred to you that the split you’re your loved one might be saving you from as yet unseen problems? Tell yourself that everything is unfolding as it should for it is up to you whether you choose to delight or to suffer. If I was you I would take heart, jump for joy and clap my hands in delight. Let the mirror give you pleasure.

“我有同樣的問題。我愛的女人要離開我——我的妻子（我們交往三年，結婚四年）。

“I have the same problem. The woman I love is leaving me – my wife (we were going out for three years and have been married for four).

分離的主要原因是我的財務不安全。在很多方面，我太軟弱、膽小、過分謹慎。我妻子認為，以我的知識和經驗，我應該創建自己的事業，因為像我這樣溫和的性格很難爬到事業頂端。建立事業對創意型的人來說不真是那回事。

The main reason for the separation is my own financial insecurity. In many ways I am too soft, timid and overly cautious. My wife thinks that with my knowledge and experience I should create my own business because it is difficult when you have a gentle nature as I do to climb to the top of the career ladder. And building a career is not really the thing for a creative type.

在某些方面，我同意我妻子。我傾向於過分徹底，總是尋找額外信息或更多經驗的途徑。在我的職業生涯中，我沒有在任何一個職位上工作超過兩年（這給了我多樣的經驗和商業知識）。我個性的一個強點是我很善於接受。這也是劣勢，因為這性格特質使我更難建立事業。

In some ways I agree with my wife. I tend to be too thorough always looking for additional information or ways of gaining more experience. Over the course of my career I have not worked at any one position for longer than two years (which has given me varied experience and knowledge in business). One of the strong points of my personality is that I am very receptive. This is also a disadvantage as it is a personality trait that makes it harder for me to build a career.

我妻子想要穩定、可靠和孩子。這些也是我的個人動機，但我認為它們不是在事業背景下發展，而是在設計盈利系統（商業模式）的原則上。這需要知識和經驗，這一直是我的最高優先級。

My wife wants stability, reliability and children. These are my personal motivations too but I do not see them developing in the context of a career, so much as on the principle of designing a profitable system (business model). This requires knowledge and experience which have always been among my highest priorities.

三個月前，我和妻子終於離婚，現在我妻子租了一個她薪水能負擔的獨立公寓。她在尋找自己，但我們的關係變得更冷，她似乎不想見我。我如何贏回她？”

Three months ago my wife and I finally divorced and now my wife is renting a separate flat which her salary enables her to do. She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me. How can I win her back?”

我無法給你解決問題的具體秘訣。我只在情況非常清晰時提供具體解決方案。即使如此，我的意見也純粹主觀，因此可能錯誤。如果我不知道問題的答案，我會問我的直覺。如果直覺無助，我建議應用Transurfing的一個原則，因為我知道這不會有害。

I cannot give you a specific recipe to solve your problems. I offer specific solutions only in cases where the situation is crystal clear. And yet even then my opinion is purely subjective and so fallible. If I do not know the answer to a problem I ask my intuition. If my intuition does not help I recommend applying one of the principles of Transurfing because I know that this will not do any harm.

在這情況下，我的直覺與你必須完全聆聽心聲的原則一致。其他人可能說成功在於好事業、穩定和高薪，但這些與我們的目標無關。真正的道路難道是爬事業階梯？

In this case, my intuition coincides with the principle according to which you must totally listen to the voice of your heart. Others would say that success lies in a good career, stability and a high-paying salary, but these things have no relation to our goals. Surely one cannot call one’s true path in life climbing up the career ladder?

事業、穩定、高薪真的不是目標本身。它們是目標的伴隨屬性。你的真正目標是將你的生活變成慶典的東西。將目標替換為伴隨屬性，你永遠無法實現任何東西。屬性在實現目標後自然到來。例如，你成為你領域的領先專家後，獲得生活的全部好處。

Careers, stability, high-paying salaries really are not goals in themselves. They are the accompanying attributes of goals. Your true goal is the thing that will turn your life into a celebration. You will never achieve anything by substituting a goal for an accompanying attribute. Attributes come of their own accord as a result of achieving the goal. For example, you receive all the benefits of life as a result of becoming a leading specialist in your field.

追求目標而非其帶來的好處是有意義的。這顯而易見。任何人都能理解，但矛盾是這觀念在人們意識中如小閃光出現，隨即被屬性的黏稠光澤掩蓋。

It makes sense to strive for your goal and not for the benefits it will bring. It seems obvious. It is something anyone can understand but the paradox is that this notion rises up in a small flash in people’s awareness and is thereby eclipsed in the sticky gloss of attributes.

人們像飛蛾撲向燈泡般追求屬性，但這無果。你如何實現成功，如果你追求目標的屬性而非目標本身？這就是巨大財富只屬於少數人的神話來源。

People strive after attributes like moths to a light-bulb except that it does not get them anywhere. How can you achieve success if you work towards the goal’s attributes rather than the goal itself. This is where the myth comes from that great abundance is the pleasure of a chose few.

公眾意見強加其刻板印象，但刻板印象的形象僅取自可見的結果，而成功來自朝目標的過程。最終結果總是可見，而講述如何實現目標的過程故事隱藏在陰影中。結果，創造了刻板印象：追求事業和好錢，換句話說，“直奔燈泡！”

Public opinion imposes its stereotypes but the image of the stereotype is solely taken from the visible end results whereas success comes in the process of moving towards the goal. The end results are always visible, whereas the process that tells the story of how the goal was achieved remains concealed in the shadows. As a result the stereotype is created: go after a career and good money, in other words “make straight for the light-bulb!”

人們只看到已升起的明星的光澤。很少有人關注將明星帶到成功頂峰的道路。所有明星都經過挫折和失敗的濃密森林。成功只對確信走真正道路的人微笑。帶著不屈的精神朝目標前進，記住：無論發生什麼，另闢蹊徑之流 (Alternatives Flow) 朝應有的方向展開。沒人知道何時或如何實現目標。

All people see is the gloss of stars already risen. There are few who turn their attention to the path that brought the star to the peaks of their success. All stars pass through a thick forest of setbacks and failure. Success only smiles on those who are convinced they walk their true path. Move towards your goal with indomitable spirit and remember: whatever happens, the alternatives flow unfolds in the direction it should. No-one can know when or how the goal will be achieved.

如果 你走刻板印象的腳步，你肯定會成功，但成功水平會是平庸的，且需巨大努力。要實現巨大成功，你必須定義目標，堅定不移地朝它前進，不理會他人可能說什麼。考慮他人的建議無害，但最終決定必須用心做出。只有這樣，你才會停止像黑暗中的飛蛾般撞擊燈泡。

If you walk in the footsteps of stereotypes you are certain to be successful but the level of your success will be mediocre and require immense effort. To achieve huge success you must define your goal and move towards it unfalteringly irrespective of what anyone else might try and tell you. There is no harm in taking other people’s advice into account but ultimately decision must be made with the heart. Only then will you stop beating your wings up against the light bulb like a moth in the dark.

適當的決定總從心與頭腦的統一 (Unity of Heart and Mind) 誕生。絕對不適當的決定是基於內在不適 (Inner Tension) 感的決定。如果決定讓你腸胃有絲毫不適，類似義務感，你的心在說“不”。另一方面，如果 你的決定不引起任何內在不適，心在說“是”或“我不知道”。在這種情況下，你的頭腦做出最終選擇。如果決定對你正確，心會歌唱，頭腦會興奮地搓手。

The appropriate decision is always born from unity of heart and mind. A categorically inappropriate decision is a decision that is based on a feeling of inner discomfort. If a decision causes you the slightest feeling of unease in your gut similar to feelings of obligation your heart is saying “no”. If on the other hand the decision you have made does not cause you any inner discomfort the heart is saying “yes” or “I do not know”. In this case your mind makes the final choice. If the decision is right for you the heart will sing and the mind will rub its hands in glee.

另一方面，如果 你無法定義目標，不要折磨自己試圖尋找。沒有目標你不能生活嗎？如果這是你想要的，為什麼不簡單地生活而不追求某事。如果是這樣，我能給的唯一建議是隨流而行，而不是僅被潮流帶著走。換句話說，你需要遵循協調原則 (Coordination Principle)，然後生活會平靜舒適。當你停止斷續尋找，你的目標無疑會顯現。

On the other hand, if you cannot define your goal do not torment yourself with trying. It is not like you cannot live without a goal. Why not just live without striving towards something, if that is what you want. If this is the case then there is only one piece of advice I can give which is to move with the flow, and not just be carried along by the flow. In other words, you need to observe the principle of coordination and then life will take a calm, comfortable course. Your goal will no doubt reveal itself when you cease fitful attempts to find it.

關於如何贏回你妻子的問題，恐怕我無法給你建議。關鍵短語：“她在尋找自己，但我們的關係變得更冷，她似乎不想見我”，顯然問題不是財務穩定及其缺乏。如果她不愛你，贏回她是不可能的。

As far as your question goes concerning how to win back your wife I am afraid there is nothing I can advise you. The key phrase: “She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me” it is clear that the problem is not financial stability and the lack of it. If she does not love you it is impossible to win her back.

如何贏回你所愛的人

How to Win Back the One You Love

“我求你告訴我如何贏回我愛的男人。”

“I beg you to tell me how to win back the man I love.”

如果你所愛的男人是自願離開的，那麼你贏回他的可能性非常小。至少你無法通過內在意圖的努力，即直接針對“讓他回來”的行動，將他帶回你的生活。這包括任何試圖直接影響該人的行為。即使你有一些成功，這個人也不會是同樣的。

If the man you love left of his own choosing then it is highly unlikely that you can win him back. At least you will not be able to return him to your life with the efforts of inner intention, that is, by taking any actions directly aimed at ‘getting him back’. This would include any attempt to directly influence the person in question. Even if you were to have some success, the person would not be the same.

只有外在意圖才能贏回他。通過內在意圖，你試圖直接影響世界以追求你的目標。外在意圖的運作方式是世界本身會半途而遇地迎接你。我可以簡要解釋外在意圖是如何運作的。

Only outer intention will win him back. With inner intention you try to influence the world directly in pursuit of your goals. Outer intention works in such a way that the world itself meets you half way. I can briefly explain how outer intention works.

在關係中，伴侶受到內在意圖的指引，即他們想從對方那裡獲得某些東西，如果得不到，他們就會結束這段關係。每個人都有自己在關係中尋求滿足的方式。他們可能需要愛、性、尊重、認可某些個人特質、親密、相互理解、逃避孤獨、樂趣等。是否存在一個共同的元素將這些不同的需求聯結在一起？這個共同元素一直存在，它是對個人自我價值的保護和確認。無論指導一個人行動的原則是什麼，所有個人動機都與自我價值感有關。這是人性。

In relationships partners are guided by inner intention, i.e. they want to receive something from the other and if they do not get it they break off the relationship. Everyone has their own way of finding fulfilment in their relationships. They may need love, sex, respect, acknowledgement, approval of certain personal qualities, closeness, mutual understanding, escape from loneliness, fun etc. Might there be one common element that unites these different needs? This common element has always existed and it remains the protection and confirmation of individual self-worth. Whatever guiding principles inform a person’s actions all personal motives are linked with the feeling of self-worth. It is human nature.

人際關係中的內在意圖始終旨在以某種形式保護和確認自我價值。這就是你所愛之人的內在意圖——尋找一個能夠滿足他們自我價值感的伴侶。

Inner intention in human relationships is always aimed at protecting and confirming one’s self-worth in one form or another. This is what the inner intention of your loved one is aimed at – on finding a partner that will fulfil their sense of self-worth.

那麼你的內在意圖是什麼呢？是想要回到你所愛的人身邊，首先恢復你自己的自我價值感，其次是重建一段讓你感到滿足的關係。

So what is your inner intention aimed at? Returning your loved on and in doing so, firstly restoring your own sense of self-worth and secondly, renewing a relationship which gave you a sense of fulfilment.

現在問問自己，如果你僅僅依靠內在意圖，是否能夠滿足你伴侶的需求。

Now ask yourself whether you can fulfil your partner’s need if you allow yourself to be guided by inner intention alone.

如果你希望贏回你的伴侶，你必須給予他內在意圖的焦點。不要因為他想在你身上尋找自我價值的確認而評判他，因為你也希望從他那裡獲得某些東西。

If you wish to win your partner back you will have to give him the focus of his inner intention. Do not judge him for wanting to find confirmation of his worth in you, for you also wish to receive something from him.

你可能還記得，Frailing的第一原則是：放棄接收的意圖，用給予的意圖來取而代之，你將會得到你所放棄的東西。

You may recall that the first principle of Frailing sounds: abandon the intention to receive, replace it with the intention of giving and you will receive the very thing you gave up.

放棄內在意圖，無論它指向何方。確定你伴侶的內在意圖的焦點。將你的願望轉向滿足你伴侶的意圖。一旦你的行動重新指向滿足你伴侶的需求，你自己的內在意圖將轉變為外在意圖。

Abandon inner intention, whatever it is aimed at. Define the focus of your partner’s inner intention. Turn your aspirations towards fulfilling your partner’s intention. As soon as your actions are redirected towards fulfilling your partner’s needs your own inner intention will be transformed into outer intention.

你會發現，採用這種方法不僅能讓你的伴侶感到快樂，還能讓你從伴侶那裡獲得你所渴望的一切，甚至更多。如果你能放棄接收的意圖，並用給予的意圖取而代之，你將立即獲得你所放棄的東西。

You will find that by adopting this approach you not only make your partner happy, but you receive from your partner everything you desired and more. If you can abandon the intention of receiving and replace it with the intention of giving you will instantly receive the thing you let go of.

這一原則的有效性讓你感覺就像某種魔法力量在發揮作用。這是真正的魔法。不需要咒語或愛情藥水。

This principle works so effectively that it makes you feel as if some magic power were at play. This is real magic. No spells or love potions are required.

儘管我們已經說了這麼多，失去的東西要回來是多麼困難，就像無法兩次踏入同一條河流。最好在關係開始遭受損害之前，嘗試遵循Frailing的原則。

Despite all we have said it is as difficult to return something that has been lost as it is to step twice into the same river. It is better to try and adhere to the principles of Frailing before the relationship starts to suffer.

無論如何，在你採取任何行動之前，如果我是你，我會非常仔細地思考你是否真的想贏回這個男人，或者你真正擁有的只是恢復你失去的（被他拋棄的）自尊心的強烈渴望。

In any case, before you take any kind of action if I were in your shoes I would think very carefully about whether you really want to win this man back or whether what you really have is a burning desire to restore your lost (dumped by him) self-esteem.

感到被拒絕或被忽視是非常痛苦的，我知道。但即使我知道你關係的所有細節和情況，我仍然無法給出更具體的建議。我能做的只是給你工具。你如何選擇使用它，只有你自己能決定。

It is very painful to feel rejected or neglected, I know. But even if I knew all the details and circumstances of your relationship I would still be incapable of advising anything more specific. All I can do is give you the tool. How you choose to use it only you can decide.

不要忘記，你的世界層面是你的鏡子。如果你選擇受苦，這就是將要發生的事情。如果你應用協調意圖的原則，並將當前情況評估為完全積極的，事情也會如此發展。

Do not forget that the layer of your world is your mirror. If you prefer to suffer this is what will happen. If you apply the principle of coordinating intention and evaluate the current circumstances as exclusively positive, this is also how things will be.

你認為一切都出錯了，但你有沒有想過，你和你所愛的人之間的分裂可能是在拯救你免受尚未顯現的問題？告訴自己，一切都在按應有的方式展開，因為選擇快樂還是痛苦取決於你。如果我是你，我會振作起來，跳起來歡呼，拍手歡喜。讓鏡子給你帶來快樂。

You think that everything has gone wrong, but has it occurred to you that the split you’re your loved one might be saving you from as yet unseen problems? Tell yourself that everything is unfolding as it should for it is up to you whether you choose to delight or to suffer. If I was you I would take heart, jump for joy and clap my hands in delight. Let the mirror give you pleasure.

“我有同樣的問題。我愛的女人要離開我——我的妻子（我們交往了三年，結婚四年）。

“I have the same problem. The woman I love is leaving me – my wife (we were going out for three years and have been married for four).

分居的主要原因是我自己的財務不安全。在很多方面，我太柔弱、膽怯和過於謹慎。我的妻子認為，憑藉我的知識和經驗，我應該創建自己的事業，因為像我這樣性格溫和的人很難在職業生涯中攀登到頂端。而建立事業對於一個創意型的人來說並不是一件容易的事。

The main reason for the separation is my own financial insecurity. In many ways I am too soft, timid and overly cautious. My wife thinks that with my knowledge and experience I should create my own business because it is difficult when you have a gentle nature as I do to climb to the top of the career ladder. And building a career is not really the thing for a creative type.

在某些方面，我同意我的妻子。我傾向於過於徹底，總是尋找額外的信息或獲得更多經驗的方法。在我的職業生涯中，我在任何一個職位上工作都不超過兩年（這讓我在商業上獲得了多樣的經驗和知識）。我個性的一個強項是我非常敏感。這也是一個缺點，因為這是一種使我更難建立事業的性格特徵。

In some ways I agree with my wife. I tend to be too thorough always looking for additional information or ways of gaining more experience. Over the course of my career I have not worked at any one position for longer than two years (which has given me varied experience and knowledge in business). One of the strong points of my personality is that I am very receptive. This is also a disadvantage as it is a personality trait that makes it harder for me to build a career.

我的妻子想要穩定、可靠和孩子。這些也是我個人的動機，但我不認為它們會在職業的背景下發展，而是在設計一個有利可圖的系統（商業模型）的原則下發展。這需要知識和經驗，而這一直是我最高的優先事項之一。

My wife wants stability, reliability and children. These are my personal motivations too but I do not see them developing in the context of a career, so much as on the principle of designing a profitable system (business model). This requires knowledge and experience which have always been among my highest priorities.

三個月前，我的妻子和我最終離婚，現在我的妻子租了一個獨立的公寓，她的薪水使她能夠這樣做。她在尋找自我，但我們的關係變得越來越冷淡，她似乎不想見我。我該如何贏回她？”

Three months ago my wife and I finally divorced and now my wife is renting a separate flat which her salary enables her to do. She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me. How can I win her back?”

我無法給你一個具體的解決方案來解決你的問題。我只在情況非常明確的情況下提供具體的解決方案。即使如此，我的意見也是純主觀的，因此也會出錯。如果我不知道問題的答案，我會詢問我的直覺。如果我的直覺沒有幫助，我建議應用Transurfing的原則之一，因為我知道這不會有任何害處。

I cannot give you a specific recipe to solve your problems. I offer specific solutions only in cases where the situation is crystal clear. And yet even then my opinion is purely subjective and so fallible. If I do not know the answer to a problem I ask my intuition. If my intuition does not help I recommend applying one of the principles of Transurfing because I know that this will not do any harm.

在這種情況下，我的直覺與一個原則相符，即你必須完全傾聽你內心的聲音。其他人會說成功在於良好的職業、穩定和高薪，但這些與我們的目標無關。難道可以稱之為人生的真正道路是攀登職業階梯嗎？

In this case, my intuition coincides with the principle according to which you must totally listen to the voice of your heart. Others would say that success lies in a good career, stability and a high-paying salary, but these things have no relation to our goals. Surely one cannot call one’s true path in life climbing up the career ladder?

職業、穩定、高薪根本不是目標本身。它們是目標的附屬屬性。你真正的目標是能讓你的生活變成慶祝的事物。通過將目標替換為附屬屬性，你永遠無法達成任何事情。屬性是達成目標的結果自然而然出現的。例如，你因成為你領域的領先專家而獲得生活的所有好處。

Careers, stability, high-paying salaries really are not goals in themselves. They are the accompanying attributes of goals. Your true goal is the thing that will turn your life into a celebration. You will never achieve anything by substituting a goal for an accompanying attribute. Attributes come of their own accord as a result of achieving the goal. For example, you receive all the benefits of life as a result of becoming a leading specialist in your field.

努力追求你的目標而不是它所帶來的好處是有意義的。這似乎是顯而易見的。這是任何人都能理解的事情，但矛盾的是，這一概念在人的意識中瞬間閃現，卻被附屬屬性的黏膩光澤所掩蓋。

It makes sense to strive for your goal and not for the benefits it will bring. It seems obvious. It is something anyone can understand but the paradox is that this notion rises up in a small flash in people’s awareness and is thereby eclipsed in the sticky gloss of attributes.

人們像飛蛾撲火一樣追求屬性，但這並沒有讓他們走向任何地方。如果你朝著目標的屬性而不是目標本身努力，你怎麼能取得成功呢？這就是“偉大的富裕是少數人的快樂”這一神話的來源。

People strive after attributes like moths to a light-bulb except that it does not get them anywhere. How can you achieve success if you work towards the goal’s attributes rather than the goal itself. This is where the myth comes from that great abundance is the pleasure of a chose few.

公眾輿論強加其刻板印象，但刻板印象的形象僅僅來自可見的最終結果，而成功是在朝著目標的過程中實現的。最終結果總是可見的，而講述如何實現目標的過程則隱藏在陰影中。因此，刻板印象被創造出來：追求職業和好錢，換句話說，“直奔燈泡！”

Public opinion imposes its stereotypes but the image of the stereotype is solely taken from the visible end results whereas success comes in the process of moving towards the goal. The end results are always visible, whereas the process that tells the story of how the goal was achieved remains concealed in the shadows. As a result the stereotype is created: go after a career and good money, in other words “make straight for the light-bulb!”

所有人看到的只是已經升起的星星的光澤。很少有人將注意力轉向將星星帶到成功巔峰的道路上。所有的星星都經歷了一片厚厚的挫折和失敗的森林。成功只會對那些堅信自己走在真實道路上的人微笑。以不屈不撓的精神朝著你的目標前進，並記住：無論發生什麼，替代流（alternatives flow）都會向應有的方向展開。沒有人能知道目標何時或如何實現。

All people see is the gloss of stars already risen. There are few who turn their attention to the path that brought the star to the peaks of their success. All stars pass through a thick forest of setbacks and failure. Success only smiles on those who are convinced they walk their true path. Move towards your goal with indomitable spirit and remember: whatever happens, the alternatives flow unfolds in the direction it should. No-one can know when or how the goal will be achieved.

如果你走在刻板印象的腳步中，你肯定會成功，但你的成功水平將是平庸的，並需要巨大的努力。要實現巨大的成功，你必須明確你的目標，並毫不動搖地朝著它前進，無論其他人可能試圖告訴你什麼。考慮他人的建議並無妨，但最終的決定必須由心來做。只有這樣，你才會停止像黑暗中的蛾子一樣不斷拍打著燈泡。

If you walk in the footsteps of stereotypes you are certain to be successful but the level of your success will be mediocre and require immense effort. To achieve huge success you must define your goal and move towards it unfalteringly irrespective of what anyone else might try and tell you. There is no harm in taking other people’s advice into account but ultimately decision must be made with the heart. Only then will you stop beating your wings up against the light bulb like a moth in the dark.

合適的決定總是源於心靈和思想的統一（unity of heart and mind）。絕對不合適的決定是基於內心不適的感覺。如果一個決定讓你感到一絲不安，類似於義務感的感覺，那麼你的心在說「不」。另一方面，如果你所做的決定不會讓你感到任何內心的不適，那麼心在說「是」或「我不知道」。在這種情況下，你的思想做出最終的選擇。如果這個決定對你來說是正確的，心會歌唱，思想會興高采烈地搓手。

The appropriate decision is always born from unity of heart and mind. A categorically inappropriate decision is a decision that is based on a feeling of inner discomfort. If a decision causes you the slightest feeling of unease in your gut similar to feelings of obligation your heart is saying “no”. If on the other hand the decision you have made does not cause you any inner discomfort the heart is saying “yes” or “I do not know”. In this case your mind makes the final choice. If the decision is right for you the heart will sing and the mind will rub its hands in glee.

另一方面，如果你無法明確你的目標，就不要折磨自己去嘗試。並不是說你不能沒有目標地生活。如果你想這樣生活，那麼為什麼不就這樣活著呢？如果是這樣，那麼我能給的唯一建議就是隨著流動而行，而不僅僅是被流動所帶著。換句話說，你需要觀察協調的重要性（coordination of importance）的原則，然後生活將會走上平靜、舒適的道路。你的目標無疑會在你停止焦躁不安的尋找時顯現出來。

On the other hand, if you cannot define your goal do not torment yourself with trying. It is not like you cannot live without a goal. Why not just live without striving towards something, if that is what you want. If this is the case then there is only one piece of advice I can give which is to move with the flow, and not just be carried along by the flow. In other words, you need to observe the principle of coordination and then life will take a calm, comfortable course. Your goal will no doubt reveal itself when you cease fitful attempts to find it.

至於你關於如何贏回妻子的問題，我恐怕無法給你任何建議。關鍵的短語是：「她在尋找自己，但我們的關係變得冷淡，她似乎不想見我」，顯然問題不在於財務穩定及其缺乏。如果她不愛你，贏回她是不可能的。

As far as your question goes concerning how to win back your wife I am afraid there is nothing I can advise you. The key phrase: “She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me” it is clear that the problem is not financial stability and the lack of it. If she does not love you it is impossible to win her back.