超現實

Surreality

走在隊伍前面的普西拉，以貓般的步伐移動，揮舞著她的尾巴，踩著她的「前爪」。野獸走在她旁邊。

Puscilla, who was standing at the head of the procession, moved with a cat-like gait waving her tail about and pedaling her ‘front paws’. Beast walked alongside her.

「所以，這就是你現在的樣子？你自那時以來變了很多。」 「是的，我的主人，你也一樣。」

“So, this is what you’re like now? You’ve changed a lot since back then.” “Yes, as have you, my lord.”

「我對那時和剛才發生的事情有點尷尬。」 「我也是，我的主人。」

“I feel a bit embarrassed about what happened back then and just now.” “Me too, my lord.”

「而且，你仍然以你獨特的單音節方式和我說話。」

“And still, you talk to me in the same way you did before, monosyllabic in your own unique manner.”

「在你眼中，我的主人，我還是和以前一樣。」

“In your eyes, my lord, I am still the same.”

「然而，我們現在不同了。我想我們都經歷了很多。」 「是的，現在我們有話可說了。」

“And yet, we are different now. We’ve both been through a lot, I suppose.” “Yes, now we have something to talk about.”

「以後會有時間的。」

“There’ll be time for that yet.”

「奶牛，沒有翅膀你還好嗎？」潛水艇問。「我還能叫你奶牛嗎？這似乎不太符合你現在的形象。」

“Cow, how are you doing without your wings?” asked Submarine. “Can I still call you Cow? It doesn’t seem to fit with your current image.”

「那你的名字就完全符合你的形象嗎？」奶牛回答。「你是潛水艇還是別人？」

“And your name fits perfectly with yours?” replied Cow. “Are you Submarine or someone else?”

「我，我還是潛水艇！」

“Me, I’m still Submarine!”

「好吧，我還是奶牛。如果我們連自己是誰都不知道，那我們應該怎麼稱呼彼此呢？至於翅膀，不知為何，我有種感覺，我會在某個時候變回原來的樣子，只是不知道怎麼做。」

“Well, I’m still Cow. What else are we supposed to call each other if we don’t even know ourselves who we are? And as far as the wings go, for some reason I get the feeling that I will be able to transform back into my old self at some point, I just don’t know how yet.”

「我也是這麼想的。如果我們能隨心所欲地來回變形，那該多好？」

“I think the same. Wouldn’t it be great if we could shapeshift back and forth whenever we wanted to?”

「那你呢，野獸，」布倫希爾德問，「你打算變回毛茸茸的野獸嗎？」

“And you, Beast,” asked Brunhilda, “do you plan to change back into Shaggy Beast?’

「你希望那樣嗎，我的女王？」 「不，就保持現在這樣。」

“Would you like that, my queen?” “No, stay as you are.”

「隨你說，我的女王。」 「停下，停下！」潛水艇喊道。

“Whatever you say, my queen.” “Stop, stop!” shouted Submarine.

「我們從未想過野獸能成為現在這樣的自己，年輕又有吸引力，」奶牛補充道。

“We’ve never imagined that Beast can be the self he is now, all young and attractive,” Cow added.

「是的，我知道，而且你自己也不錯，雖然你以前也不差。」

“Yes, I know, and you’re not bad yourself, although you weren’t bad before.”.

「哦！從我們這位單音節朋友的嘴裡說出‘不錯’這個詞，真是最好的讚美，」傻瓜說。

“Oh! ‘Not bad’ from the lips of our monosyllabic friend here has the ring of the finest compliment,” said Eejit.

「謝謝，謝謝！」奶牛和潛水艇嬌媚地說。

“Thank you, thank you!” said Cow and Submarine coquettishly.

「野獸那時候也不差，」普西拉插話道。「當我的主人化身為他的第一個外在形態時，我們住在洞穴裡。那我呢，我的主人，那時候我也不差吧？」

“Beast wasn’t bad looking back then, either,” interjected Puscilla. “Back when my lord embodied his first external formand we lived in the cave. And what about me, my lord, was I not bad looking then, too?”

「是的，普西拉，」野獸用他簡潔的風格回答。

“Yes, Puscilla,” Beast replied in his own crisp style.

「那現在呢？現在呢？」普西拉仍在尋求讚美。「是的，普西拉。只是為什麼你還叫我‘我的主人’？」

“And now? And now?” asked Puscilla, still fishing for a compliment. “Yes, Puscilla. Only why are you still calling me ‘my lord’?”

「我無法改掉這習慣。舊習難改！這是我自己的小貓咪主義。」

“I can’t help it. Old habits die hard! It’s my own little mogism.”

朋友們不太明白‘貓咪主義’是什麼意思，但這已經不重要了，因為他們已經來到了一個上面掛著‘咖啡館’招牌的地方。裡面，一群形形色色的顧客對這群人投以懷疑的目光，這通常發生在陌生人出現在緊密社區時。一分鐘後，他們又回到各自的活動中，有的吃東西，有的喝飲料，只是偶爾回頭瞥一眼新來的人，然後彼此低語。

The friends did not quite understand what ‘mogism’ meant but it ceased to matter as they had arrived at a premises with a sign above it saying ‘Cafe’. Inside, a motley assortment of customers stared at the crew suspiciously for a bit as usually happens when strangers appear in a close-knit community. A minute later they went back to whatever they were doing, some eating, others drinking, only glancing back over at the newcomers from time to time and then whispering to each other.

朋友們找到了一張有足夠椅子的空桌子，坐下來等待，試著不過多轉頭，以免被發現他們過於注視室內和其他訪客。雖然沒有什麼特別突出的地方，但這些人和他們的環境有些奇怪，或者說不太尋常。朋友們還沒來得及弄清這種不尋常的特質在哪裡，一位看起來不太友好的女服務員就走向他們的桌子。

The friends found a free table with enough chairs for them all, sat down and waited trying not to turn their heads round too much, so as not to be caught staring too hard at the interior and the other visitors. Although nothing particularly stood out, there was something odd or you could say uncharacteristic about the people and their environment. The friends did not have time to work out wherein this uncharacteristic quality lay as a waitress who did not look very friendly headed over to their table.

她穿著藍色制服，圍著一條印有「還要什麼？」大字的白色圍裙。她一隻手拿著點單本，另一隻手抓著一隻鷺鷥的喙，鷺鷥只好乖乖地跟在她後面，匆忙地移動著腳步。

She was wearing a blue uniform with a white apron on which the question Anything else? was printed in large letters. She held an order pad in one hand while the other hand gripped the beak of a heron which she led behind her. In this position, the heron had no choice but to follow the waitress obediently, hastily moving its feet.

女服務員站在他們的桌邊，隨意地問：「你們要什麼？」¹

The waitress stood at their table and asked casually, “Whachavin?”¹

「女士，我們不是‘要什麼’，而是想吃點東西，換句話說，吃個午餐，」傻瓜說。

Madam, we aren’t ‘watchavin’ anything but would like to eat something, in other words, to have a spot of lunch,” said Eejit.

「這就是為什麼我現在禮貌地問：你們要什麼？」 「喵！現在？」客人們驚訝地重複道。

“Which is why I’m asking politely for now: whachavin?” “Miaow! For now?” the guests repeated in surprise.

就在這時，一位穿著拉丁美洲風格外套的古怪紳士顯然聽到了他們的談話，以一種不太紳士的方式衝到他們的桌邊，打斷了他們。

At that moment, an eccentric-looking gentleman in a Latin American style coat who had evidently overheard their conversation, shot up to their table in a nonetheless ungentlemanly fashion and interrupted them.

「等你們去洪都拉斯看看。他們那裡可不講究禮儀，這是肯定的！」

“Wait till you visit Honduras.They don’t stand on ceremony there, that’s for sure!”

女服務員用她的點單本像趕煩人的蒼蠅一樣揮走了那個男人，他便不再打擾他們。

The waitress waved the man away with her notepad as if he were an annoyingly persistent fly and he left them alone.

「好吧，」普西拉說。「我要一杯貓咪咖啡，不加貓咪咖啡因。」

“Right,” said Puscilla. “I’ll have moggy-coffee without the catty-caffeine please.”

「好的！」傻瓜驚呼。「我要一杯貓咪酒，不加貓咪酒精。」

“O-key do-key!” exclaimed Eejit. “I’ll have something ailorous-alcoholic without the ailorous-alcohol.”

「我要一杯不含銀河的牛奶，」奶牛開玩笑說。

“And I’ll have milk without the milky way,” joked Cow.

「給我來杯不含水的水，」潛水艇也加入了這個玩笑。

“Water without the aqua, for me,” said Submarine playing out the joke.

「好吧，」女服務員回答。「我們不提供咖啡，其他飲料也是如此。」

“Right,” replied the waitress. “We don’t serve coffee, same goes for the other drinks.”

「你說什麼，你們不提供咖啡？」普西拉驚訝地問。「畢竟你們叫‘咖啡館’。」

“What do you mean, you don’t serve coffee?” asked Puscilla in surprise. “You are called a ‘Cafe’ after all.”

「正是如此，」女服務員反駁道。「如果我們叫‘咖啡’，那我們就會提供咖啡。你可以出去看看招牌，一個音節一個音節地讀。我想你會發現上面寫的是‘咖-啡’。」

“Exactly,” the waitress retorted. “If we were called a ‘coffee’ then coffee is what we would serve. You can go outside if you like and read the sign syllable by syllable. I think you’ll find it says ‘Ca-fe’.”

「那你們有什麼，咖啡館？」普西拉問。

“What do you have, then? Cafe?” asked Puscilla.

「沒有這種飲料。告訴你，這不存在。我推薦我們的招牌雞尾酒。」

“There is no such drink. For your information, it doesn’t exist. I recommend our signature house cocktail.”

「那是什麼樣的？」

“What’s it like?”

就在這時，另一位顧客衝到他們的桌邊，一位看起來髒兮兮的女士，圍著一條長長的羽毛圍巾，激動地喊道：「這是神聖的，絕對神聖！我愛它！愛它！愛它！」

In that instant, another customer shot up to their table, a dirty looking lady with a long feather boa, who exaltedly exclaimed, “It’s divine, absolutely divine! I love it! Love it! Love it!”

女服務員揮了揮她的本子，那位女士只好退下。「那麼，你們想點一些嗎？」

The waitress waved her book at the woman and she was forced to retreat. “So, would you like to order some?”

「親愛的，」傻瓜說，「嗯，抱歉，你是……」

“My dear,” said Eejit, “umm, sorry, what is your...”

「我其實是個空服員，」女服務員用傲慢的語氣回答。「啊哈……好吧，那我們就‘冒險’試試你們的招牌。」

“I’m a stavardess actually,” the waitress replied in an arrogant tone. “Aha... okay, well, we will, let’s say ‘risk’ what you have to offer.”

「好吧，」空服員說。「我記下來了。」

“Right,” said the stewardess. “I’m writing that down.”

她從口袋裡拿出一支鉛筆，放進鷺鷥的喙裡，再用手合上，然後小心地在她的本子上寫下「雞尾酒」這個詞。鷺鷥發出悲鳴，但不敢反抗。我們的客人們驚訝地觀察著這個繁瑣的過程。最後，傻瓜決定問個問題。

She took a pencil from her pocket, placed it in the heron’s beak, clasped it shut again with her hand and began carefully writing in her pad the word “Cocktail”. The bird squeaked plaintively but did not dare resist. Our guests observed this elaborate procedure in astonished silence. Finally, Eejit decided to ask a question.

「女士……呃，空服員，你為什麼要折磨那隻鳥？」

“Madam... uuh, stavardess, why are you tormenting that bird?”

「這是我們這裡的做法，」她尖銳地回答，然後指了指她的圍裙。

“It’s what we do here,” she answered sharply and then gestured to her apron.

「什麼？」傻瓜驚訝地揚起眉毛，甚至摘下了他的眼鏡。

“What?” asked Eejit, raising his eyebrows in surprise and even taking off his glasses.

「這就是我厭倦了一遍又一遍問的問題。自己讀吧。」

“Here is it, the same question that I am sick of having to ask over and over again. Read it for yourselves.”

桌上的客人們正要表達他們的不滿，但傻瓜搶先打斷了他們。

The guests at the table were about to express their indignation but Eejit interrupted them taking the initiative.

「親愛的，首先，請允許我們看看菜單。」 「我們沒有菜單。我們不保留菜單。」

“My dear, first of all, with your permission, we would like to see the menu.” “We don’t have a menu. We don’t keep one.”

「什麼意思？那我們怎麼知道要點什麼？」

“What do you mean? How will we know what to order?”

「你們要麼下單，要麼不下單。特殊要求有單獨的價目表。」

“You’ll either make an order or you won’t. There are separate price lists for special requests.”

「什麼樣的特殊要求？」

“What kind of special requests?”

「如果你提出一個，你就會知道。」 「好吧，正如我所說，我們會冒險試試雞尾酒。」

“If you make one, you’ll find out won’t you.” “Okay, as I said, we’ll risk the cocktail.”

女服務員沒有再說一句話，轉身走向吧台，拖著那隻鳥。她剛離開桌子，一位優雅的老先生穿著運動服跳到他們的桌邊，大聲說，

The waitress turned around without uttering another word and headed over towards the bar dragging the bird behind her. No sooner had she stepped away from the table than a gracefully aged old man in a tracksuit jumped up to their table and in a loud voice said,

「你們喜歡冒險，是吧！我一眼就看出來了。我們應該組織一場比賽！絕對的！

“You guys like taking risks, don’t you! I spotted it straight away. We should organize a race! Definitely!

「什麼比賽，你在說什麼？」傻瓜代表大家回答，因為沒有人知道該說什麼。

“What race, what are you talking about?” asked Eejit answering on behalf of them all since no-one else knew what to say.

「一場競賽！戰鬥的！一場非常激烈的障礙賽，如果你們願意的話！有障礙會更好！這是讓你們動起來的絕佳方式。絕對的！絕對的！

“A competitive race! Combative! A very vigorous race with obstacles, if you like! It’ll be even better with obstacles! It’s an excellent way of getting you going. Definitely! Definitely!

「我還要告訴你們一件事！」那位熟悉的紳士加入進來。「你們一定要去洪都拉斯看看！你們去過嗎？那是一個非常振奮人心的國家！你一下飛機，他們就沒收你的證件，直接把你扔進監獄，然後再解決問題。我們現在就可以去！立刻！」

“And I’ll tell you something else!” the familiar gentleman joined in. “You just have to visit Honduras! Have you ever been? It’s a very invigorating country! They confiscate your documents the moment you get off the plane and throw you straight in jail and they sort it all out later. We could go there, right now! Immediately!”

「不過首先，我們要舉行一場比賽！絕對的！一場非常激烈的比賽！」老先生繼續說。

“First, we’ll hold a race, though! Definitely! A very vigorous race!” the old man continued.

「等等！」圍著羽毛圍巾的女士加入進來。「他們得先嘗嘗我們的雞尾酒！這會讓你們驚訝！愛它！愛它！

“Hang on!” the woman with the boa joined in. “They’ve got to try our cocktail first! It’ll take your breath away! Love it! Love it!

如果不是女王站起來，給這些煩人的人一個威脅的眼神，並用手勢示意他們離開，誰知道這種嘈雜會持續多久。他們立刻照做了，卻還在重複著，「愛它！愛它！洪都拉斯！我們會舉行比賽！」一旦他們最終回到自己的桌子坐下，他們又平靜下來。

Who can say how long this cacophony would have continued had not the queen stood up, shot the pests a menacing look and without saying a word, made an imperious gesture of the arm indicating that they should go away. This they did without delay nonetheless repeating, ‘Love it! Love it! Honduras! We’ll hold a race!’ Once they had finally sat back down at their own tables, they calmed down again.

與此同時，優雅的空服員迅速回來了。一隻手端著托盤，上面有六個高腳杯，另一隻手仍然抓著那隻倒霉的鷺鷥的喙。她把杯子放在桌上，開始玩弄托盤，絲毫不放開那隻鳥。

In the meantime, the gracious stewardess promptly returned. In one hand she carried a tray with six tall glasses, still gripping the unfortunate heron by the beak with the other. Having placed the glasses on the table, she began to play with the tray not letting go of the bird for a moment.

杯子裡裝著綠色的液體，配有所有你期望的裝飾：吸管、雞尾酒傘、各種切片……在這些零碎中，有一個不太尋常的東西，當他們一看到它時，整個演員團隊都驚呆了。

The glasses were filled with a greenish liquid and had all the extras you would expect: straws sticking out, cocktail umbrellas, slices of this, that and the other… There was also one less than usual attribute, to put it mildly, amidst the other bits and pieces which, as soon as they spotted it, sent our entire casting crew into shock.

活青蛙坐在杯子上，抓住杯緣。牠們不時張開嘴巴，似乎想說什麼。直到此刻，我們的朋友們才意識到其他桌上的杯子也是一模一樣。

Live frogs were sitting on top of the glasses gripping hold of the rim. They opened their mouths from time to time as if trying to say something. Only now did our friends realize that all the glasses on the other tables were exactly the same.

「不好意思，」傻瓜幾乎無法自制地說，「這是幹什麼用的！？」

“Excuse me” said Eejit, barely able to contain himself, “but what is this for!?”

「青蛙的前腳像蛙鞋，」女服務員回答，「它們適合用來攪拌雞尾酒。」

“A frog’s front feet are like flippers,” the waitress replied, “they’re good for mixing the cocktail.”

「我們應該用青蛙腿來攪拌雞尾酒？」傻瓜驚訝地喊道，儘管他之前吹噓過再也沒有什麼能讓他驚訝。

“We’re supposed to stir the cocktail with frog’s legs?” exclaimed Eejit, who was astonished by what he was hearing despite having boasted earlier that nothing could surprise him anymore.

「難道不應該更簡單地給我們一個湯匙嗎？牠們是可愛的兩棲動物，但牠們的腿很軟，不適合這個用途，而且牠們還是活的！」

“Would it not be simpler just to bring us a spoon? They’re cute amphibians and everything but their legs are also soft which makes them unsuitable for the purpose, and anyway, they’re alive!”

「你希望我們為你們炸了牠們嗎？自己炸青蛙吧！」

“Did you expect us to fry them for you? Fry your own frogs!”

「不好意思，但你真的認為用青蛙攪拌東西是正常的嗎？你到底怎麼看這件事？」

“Excuse me but do you really consider it normal to stir anything with a frog? How do you actually see that happening?”

團隊的老朋友們看起來急於跳起來提供寶貴的建議，但女王用一個銳利的手勢制止了他們。

The group’s old friends looked desperate to jump up and offer valuable advice, but the queen stopped them in their tracks with a sharp gesture of the hand.

「雞尾酒必須在飲用前攪拌，」女服務員厲聲說。「這是我們的規矩。我們的顧客應該被告知，雖然在你們的情況下，我準備破例，考慮到你們顯然不是本地人。」女服務員稍微緩和了一下。

“A cocktail has to be stirred before it is consumed,” the waitress snapped. “House rules. Our customers should be informed although in your case, I’m prepared to make an exception taking into account that you’re obviously not from these parts.” The waitress softened a little.

「哦，請務必破例！」傻瓜不敢再多說，以免進一步惹惱女服務員。

“Oh, please do make an exception!” Eejit did not dare launch into a more extensive tirade not wanting to irritate the waitress any more than they had done already.

「很簡單。你看桌上有牙籤。你只需要用牙籤撓青蛙的肚子，牠就會開始踢腿，自動攪拌雞尾酒。」

“Easy. You see the table is set with toothpicks. All you have to do is tickle the frog’s tummy and it’ll start kicking its feet and mixing the cocktail itself.”

「多麼迷人！太有趣了！」傻瓜驚呼道。

“How awfully charming! Delightful!” exclaimed Eejit.

團隊的其他成員選擇保持沉默，但從他們的表情可以看出他們的感受。幾乎被憤怒淹沒的女王正要離開，但奶牛悄聲對她說：

The remaining members of the team preferred to remain silent, but their feelings were quite clear from the expression on their faces. The queen who was almost beside herself with rage was on the verge of walking out, but Cow whispered to her:

「陛下，我們再忍耐一會兒。我想看看接下來會發生什麼。」

“Your Majesty, let’s stick it out a bit longer. I’m interested to see what happens next.”

「親愛的空服員，」傻瓜繼續說，「請告訴我們還能點些什麼？」

“My dear stavardess,” Eejit continued, “be so kind as to tell us what else we might order?”

「這就對了。你在學習，」女服務員居高臨下地回答，指著她的圍裙。「你可以下單。」

“That’s more like it. You’re learning,” the waitress replied condescendingly and pointing to her apron. “You can place your order.”

「但點什麼？到底是什麼？」

“But what? What exactly?”

「我重複。你要麼下單，要麼不下單。如果你要點什麼，那就點你想要的。」

“I repeat. You either make an order or you don’t. If you are going to order something, then order what you want.”

「但如果我們不知道有什麼可點的，我們怎麼知道我們想要什麼？」

“But how can we know what we want if we don’t know what is available?”

「你們要點什麼嗎？」女服務員又開始不耐煩了。

“Are you going to order something or not?” The waitress was becoming impatient again.

「喵！我們要點，」普西拉決定替大家回答。

“Miaow! We’re going to order,” said Puscilla who decided to answer for them all.

「好吧，那我就記下來。」

“Okay, I’ll write it down, then.”

女服務員用她慣常的動作從口袋裡拿出鉛筆，放進鷺鷥的喙裡，開始在她的筆記本上寫下「訂單」這個詞。

The waitress took a pencil from her pocket with her habitual movement and, placing it in the heron’s beak, began to write the word “order” in her notepad.

「如果你不介意，我還有一個問題，」傻瓜說。「請問？」

“Just one more question, if you’d be so kind?” said Eejit. “Go on?”

「為什麼要用這麼複雜的寫字程序？這隻鳥是幹什麼用的？」 「這真是荒謬貓咪！」普西拉脫口而出。

“Why this complex writing procedure? What’s the bird for?” “It’s absolutely ridicupuss!” Puscilla burst out.

「為什麼她要白吃白喝？你知道，鳥兒也得賺取自己的晚餐。」

“Why the hell should she eat for free? Birds have to earn their supper too, you know.”

「你大錯特錯了，小姐。這隻鳥不欠你什麼。放了她，她會自己覓食，」傻瓜說。

“You are deeply mistaken, miss. This bird owes you nothing. Let her go and she will feed herself,” said Eejit.

「現在我們來談談你的特殊要求。」女服務員開始活躍起來。「所以，你堅持要我放了這隻鳥？」

“Now we’re getting down to your special requests.” The waitress was livening up. “So, you insist I set the bird free?”

「是的，我堅持。」

“Yes, I insist.”

「如你所願。按照價目表付款，鷺鷥就會自由。」

“As you wish. Pay according to the price list and the heron will go free.”

女服務員把一張紙扔到桌上，指著清單上的一個數字。

The waitress threw a sheet of paper onto the table and pointed to a number in the list.

「真的嗎？」傻瓜再次驚訝地說。「好吧……」

“Really?” said Eejit who was surprised yet again. “Well...”

他拿出錢包，數出所需的金額，遞給女服務員，女服務員拿了錢，終於放開了那隻鳥。鷺鷥張開喙，但不敢動。

He took out his wallet, counted out the required sum and handed the notes over to the waitress who took the money and finally let go of the bird. The heron opened its beak but dare not move.

「來，鳥兒，拿去。」傻瓜把杯子裡的青蛙拉出來，放進鳥張開的喙裡。「你自由了！」

“There, you bird, take that.” Eejit pulled the frog out of his glass and placed it in the bird’s open beak. “You are free!”

鳥兒吞下青蛙，拍打翅膀，匆匆朝著幸運敞開的門飛去。

The bird swallowed the frog, flapped its wings and hurried towards the door which happily had been left open.

「如果你們還有其他特殊要求，請儘管說。」女服務員說完這句話就離開了，去為別人送餐。

If you have any other special requests, please, go ahead.” With these words the waitress left the group’s table to deliver someone else’s order.

再次獨處時，我們的朋友們鬆了一口氣。「好樣的，傻瓜！」潛水艇說。

Once alone again our friends sighed with relief. “Bravo, Eejit!” said Submarine.

「高尚的行為，」野獸說。

“A noble act,” said Beast.

「我可想不到這一點，」奶牛說。

“I would not have thought of that,” said Cow.

「特殊要求，嘿？原來他們是這樣從顧客那裡騙錢的！」普西拉喊道。

“Special requests, hey? So that’s how they scam money off their customers!” shouted Puscilla.

「還會有其他的，」傻瓜懷疑道。

“There’ll be others,” Eejit suspected.

「但你以前沒來過這裡嗎，普西拉？」布倫希爾德問。「你說你知道這個地方？」

“But haven’t you been here before, Puscilla?” asked Brunhilda. “You said you knew this place?”

「我知道這個地方，但這是我第一次進來。」

“I knew of it, but this is the first time I have ever come in.”

朋友們甚至沒有碰他們的雞尾酒，但不久女服務員就帶著空餐具回來了，將盤子放在桌上，然後擺出期待的姿勢。

The friends did not even touch their cocktails but before long the waitress returned with empty crockery and set plates on the table before assuming an expectant pose.

「還有其他特殊要求嗎？」

“Any other special requests?”

「還沒有，親愛的，」傻瓜說。「我們只是渴望地等待我們的訂單。」 「就在你面前。」

“Not yet, dear,” said Eejit. “We are just waiting longingly for our order.” “There it is right in front of you.”

「你是什麼意思？盤子是空的？」 「這就是你的訂單。你還想要什麼？」 「如果你不介意，我們只想吃點東西。」

“What do you mean? The plates are empty?” “That’s your order. What else would you like?” “We’d just like something to eat if you don’t mind.”

「那就開動吧。」

“Well, tuck in then.”

「如果什麼都沒有，我們怎麼吃？」 「我說開始！」

“How can we if there’s nothing there?” “Start, I said!”

傻瓜已經厭倦了驚訝，他拿起刀叉，試探性地碰了碰他的盤子。就在那一瞬間，一大塊肉出現在他的盤子上——傻瓜最喜歡的菜。他切下一片肉，咀嚼，吞下。然後他摘下眼鏡，環顧四周，給其他人一個鼓勵的眼神。其他人跟著他的例子，他們想點的菜出現在他們的盤子上。他們謹慎地避免發表任何評論，開始享用眼前的食物。女服務員翻了翻白眼，在她的太陽穴旁轉動手指，然後默默地轉身走開。

Eejit, who was by now tired of being surprised, picked up his knife and fork and touched his plate as an experiment. In that instant, a large piece of meat appeared on his plate — Eejit’s favorite dish. He cut off a slice of meat, chewed, swallowed. Then he removed his glasses and looked around at the others giving them an encouraging look. The others followed his example and the dishes they would have liked to order appeared on their plates. They prudently refrained from making any comment and tucked into the food before them. The waitress rolled her eyes to heaven, rotated her finger at the side of her temple and then silently turned and walked away.

「好了，」傻瓜在用餐結束後說。「喝點東西會不錯。」

“Right then,” said Eejit as soon as the meal was over. “Something to drink would be nice.”

「想試試店裡的雞尾酒？」潛水艇用諷刺的語氣問。「他們只有這個。」

“Thinking of trying the house cocktail?” asked Submarine in a sarcastic tone. “That’s all they have.”

「不，我想驗證一個假設。」傻瓜叫來了女服務員。

“No, I want to test a hypothesis.” Eejit called the waitress over.

「親愛的，我可以麻煩你給我們六個空杯子嗎？」

“My dear, could I trouble you for six empty glasses?”

女服務員哼了一聲，走開後又端著托盤回來。她一句話也沒說，把杯子放在每位客人面前，然後雙手叉腰站著。傻瓜拿起杯子，小心地嘗試喝了一口。杯子立刻充滿了一種液體，傻瓜很高興地一口氣喝完。其他人也跟著他的例子，這似乎已成為習慣。

The waitress grunted, walked off and returned carrying a tray. Without saying a word, she placed the glasses in front of each guest and then stood with her hands on her hips. Eejit took the glass and tried carefully taking a sip. The glass immediately filled with a liquid of some kind that Eejit took great pleasure in gulping down in one go. The rest followed his example as was becoming the custom.

「謝謝，」傻瓜說。

“Thank you,” said Eejit.

「非常感謝！」潛水艇補充道。「現在請結帳，」布倫希爾德說。

“Thank you very much!” added Submarine. “And now the bill, please,” said Brunhilda.

女服務員拿來了賬單，女王付了款，還留下了慷慨的小費。這次，一切如預期般進行，朋友們只需從桌邊起身離開。但普西拉用她的爪子動作制止了他們，並問了女服務員她最喜歡的問題。

The waitress brought the bill over and the queen settled the amount leaving a generous tip. This time, everything went as expected and all that remained was for our friends to get up from the table and leave. But Puscilla stopped them with a movement of her paw and asked the waitress her favorite question.

「我可以問一下；你知道你是誰嗎？」

“Can I just ask; do you know who you are?”

「你想說什麼？」女服務員警惕地回答。

“What are you trying to say?” the waitress answered warily.

「你覺得呢，你是在扮演別人的角色，還是有人在扮演你的角色？」

“What do you think, are you playing the role of another or is someone playing yours instead of you?”

「你是在侮辱我嗎？」

“You’re trying to insult me?”

「不！我們只是想知道你是否真正是你自己。」

“No! We simply want to know whether you are genuinely you.”

「不，我看得出來你是在試圖侮辱我。」

“No, I can see that you’re trying to insult me.”

「我們真的沒有絲毫冒犯你的意思，」傻瓜補充道。「我們只是好奇，如果我們不對你懷有最深的敬意，我們就不會問這個問題。」

“We really don’t have the slightest desire to offend you,” added Eejit. “We are just curious and would not ask if we did not have the deepest respect for you.”

「我對侮辱也沒有意見。它們屬於特殊要求類別。我們總是努力滿足客戶的要求。這是價目表。你可以先熟悉一下。」

“I have nothing against insults either. They relate to the special requests category. We always try to meet our clients’ requests. Here’s the price list. You can familiarize yourself with it in the meantime.

客人們興致勃勃地看著那些標有各自價格的壞名字和髒話清單。

The guests looked with interest at the list of bad names and swear words each marked with its own price.

「不過我應該提醒你，你也得為我的粗魯回應付費。這是我們服務範圍的一部分。所有費用都嚴格按照價目表收取。」

“Only I should warn you that you will have to pay for my own rude response, too. It’s included in our range of services. Everything is charged strictly according to the price list.”

「不，親愛的空服員，」普西拉解釋道，「你有我們全部的貓咪尊重，我們最不想做的就是和你爭論。你能簡單地說，‘我是我’嗎？」

“No, dear stavardess,” Puscilla explained, “you have our total catty respect and the last thing we want is to argue with you. Can you simply say, ‘I am me’?”

「那個侮辱不在清單上，但我現在可以加上，」女服務員果斷地回答，伸手去拿她的鉛筆。

“That insult isn’t in the list, but I can add it now,” replied the waitress decisively reaching for her pencil.

「不！不！那不是侮辱！這是我們玩的遊戲。我們每個人輪流說‘我是我’，然後就輪到你了。就這樣！」

“No! No! That’s not an insult! It’s a game we play. Each of us is going to say ‘I am me’ in turn and then it’ll be your go. That’s all!”

女服務員比之前更加警惕，但在她能再說什麼之前，我們的每位朋友都輪流說了‘我是我’。但這一輪剛結束，就發生了一件非凡的事情。還沒等她開口，女服務員就定格在半空中。蠟層覆蓋了她的臉和手，她真的變成了一個蠟像。

The waitress became even more wary than before but before she could say anything else each of our friends said in turn, ‘I am me’. But no sooner was the round complete than something extraordinary happened. Before she even had time to open her mouth, the waitress froze mid-pose. A wax coating covered her face and hands and she literally turned into a wax figure.

朋友們也完全愣住了。恢復過來後，他們環顧四周。到處都是同樣靜止的場景。咖啡館裡的人，或者說他們的假人，因為所有的臉都是無生命的蠟，定格在不自然的姿勢中，彷彿突然被凍結住。

The friends also froze totally dumbfounded. Having recovered, they looked around. Everywhere they saw the same motionless scene. The people in the cafe, or rather their mannequins since all the faces were lifeless wax, had frozen in unnatural looking poses, as if they had been caught suddenly in a freeze-frame.

這對團隊來說是另一個不亞於剛剛經歷的震驚。他們困惑地從一張桌子走到另一張桌子，小心翼翼地觸碰那些假人。

This was another shock for the team no less powerful than the one they had just experienced. They wandered confused from one table to another, cautiously touching the mannequins.

「嘿！」他們說，但沒有任何反應。

“Hey!” they said, but there was no reaction.

外面，場景完全一樣。所有的車輛和路人都靜止不動。一切都凍結成無生命的場景。在這個新世界裡，我們的朋友是唯一仍然活著的人。

Outside, the scene was exactly the same. All the cars and passers-by had frozen still. Everything froze into a lifeless scene. In this new world, our friends were the only ones who remained alive.

問句「你要什麼？」快速發音聽起來像「watchavin」。

The question ’what are you having?’ pronounced quickly sounds like ’watchavin’.

超現實

Surreality

站在隊伍前端的Puscilla步態猶如貓般優雅，一邊搖曳著尾巴、一邊用「前爪」輕踏前行；Beast則並肩走在她旁邊。

Puscilla, who was standing at the head of the procession, moved with a cat-like gait waving her tail about and pedaling her ‘front paws’. Beast walked alongside her.

「所以，這就是你如今的模樣？自從那時起，你已大有變化。」 「是的，我的主，您也一樣啊。」

“So, this is what you’re like now? You’ve changed a lot since back then.” “Yes, as have you, my lord.”

「我對當時以及剛發生的那些事總覺得有點尷尬。」 「我也是，我的主。」

“I feel a bit embarrassed about what happened back then and just now.” “Me too, my lord.”

「可是，你跟我說話的方式依舊如故，總是以你獨特的單音節方式交流。」

“And still, you talk to me in the same way you did before, monosyllabic in your own unique manner.”

「在您眼中，我的主，我始終未曾改變。」

“In your eyes, my lord, I am still the same.”

「然而，我們如今卻已不同，想必各自都歷經不少。」 「是啊，現在我們有更多可以聊的話題了。」

“And yet, we are different now. We’ve both been through a lot, I suppose.” “Yes, now we have something to talk about.”

「那都還有時間再談。」

“There’ll be time for that yet.”

「Cow，沒有翅膀的你過得還好嗎？」Submarine問道，「我還能繼續叫你Cow嗎？這稱呼似乎與你現在的形象不太搭配。」

“Cow, how are you doing without your wings?” asked Submarine. “Can I still call you Cow? It doesn’t seem to fit with your current image.”

「那你的名字倒是與你現在的樣子再貼切不過了？」Cow回答，「你到底是Submarine，還是另有所指？」

“And your name fits perfectly with yours?” replied Cow. “Are you Submarine or someone else?”

「我，可我依然是Submarine！」

“Me, I’m still Submarine!”

「好吧，我還是Cow。既然我們連自己究竟是誰都不甚明了，又該如何互稱呢？至於翅膀，我莫名感覺總有一天我會變回從前那副模樣，只是不知道該如何實現罷了。」

“Well, I’m still Cow. What else are we supposed to call each other if we don’t even know ourselves who we are? And as far as the wings go, for some reason I get the feeling that I will be able to transform back into my old self at some point, I just don’t know how yet.”

「我也是這麼認為。若能隨心所欲地變換形態，那該有多妙！」

“I think the same. Wouldn’t it be great if we could shapeshift back and forth whenever we wanted to?”

「而你呢，Beast，」Brunhilda問道，「你打算變回那個毛髮蓬亂的Shaggy Beast嗎？」

“And you, Beast,” asked Brunhilda, “do you plan to change back into Shaggy Beast?’

「女王大人，您喜歡這樣嗎？」

“Would you like that, my queen?” “No, stay as you are.”

「隨您便，女王大人。」

“Whatever you say, my queen.” “Stop, stop!” shouted Submarine.

Cow補充道：「我們從未料到Beast如今竟能變得如此年輕有魅力。」

“We’ve never imagined that Beast can be the self he is now, all young and attractive,” Cow added.

「是啊，我知道，而且你也不差，雖然你以前就已經不差了。」

“Yes, I know, and you’re not bad yourself, although you weren’t bad before.”.

Eejit笑道：「哦！聽我們這位言語總是單調的好友說『不差』，簡直就像聽到了最高層次的讚美。」

“Oh! ‘Not bad’ from the lips of our monosyllabic friend here has the ring of the finest compliment,” said Eejit.

Cow和Submarine嬌媚地說：「謝謝，謝謝！」

“Thank you, thank you!” said Cow and Submarine coquettishly.

Puscilla插話道：「當時的Beast也不差——當我的主首次顯現出他的外形，而我們還住在洞穴裡的時候。而我呢，我的主，那時我也不差嗎？」

“Beast wasn’t bad looking back then, either,” interjected Puscilla. “Back when my lord embodied his first external formand we lived in the cave. And what about me, my lord, was I not bad looking then, too?”

Beast乾脆地回答：「是的，Puscilla。」

“Yes, Puscilla,” Beast replied in his own crisp style.

Puscilla仍在尋找讚美地問道：「那現在呢？那現在呢？」「是的，Puscilla。不過，你為什麼還要叫我『我的主』？」

“And now? And now?” asked Puscilla, still fishing for a compliment. “Yes, Puscilla. Only why are you still calling me ‘my lord’?”

「我情不自禁，舊習難改！這就是我自己的那點小小的 mogism。」

“I can’t help it. Old habits die hard! It’s my own little mogism.”

朋友們對「mogism」究竟意味著什麼感到困惑，但這已不再重要，因為他們已到達一處門外掛著「Cafe」招牌的地方。裡面，各色客人正警惕地打量著這支隊伍，就像陌生人在封閉社群中出現時常見的反應。不一會兒，大家便各自繼續手頭上的事情，有的在進餐，有的在小酌，只是不時瞥向新來者，低聲竊語著。

The friends did not quite understand what ‘mogism’ meant but it ceased to matter as they had arrived at a premises with a sign above it saying ‘Cafe’. Inside, a motley assortment of customers stared at the crew suspiciously for a bit as usually happens when strangers appear in a close-knit community. A minute later they went back to whatever they were doing, some eating, others drinking, only glancing back over at the newcomers from time to time and then whispering to each other.

朋友們找到了張有足夠座位的空桌，隨即坐下等待，同時盡量不頻頻轉頭，以免被人發現他們正目不轉睛地打量室內及其他客人。雖然那裡看似平常，但總隱約散發著一股怪異或說是不尋常的氣息。正當大家試圖弄清這股獨特氣質的來源時，一位看起來不太友善的女服務員便走向他們的桌邊。

The friends found a free table with enough chairs for them all, sat down and waited trying not to turn their heads round too much, so as not to be caught staring too hard at the interior and the other visitors. Although nothing particularly stood out, there was something odd or you could say uncharacteristic about the people and their environment. The friends did not have time to work out wherein this uncharacteristic quality lay as a waitress who did not look very friendly headed over to their table.

女服務員身穿藍色制服，搭配一條印有大字「Anything else?」的白色圍裙。一手拿著點餐簿，另一手則抓著她帶來的白鷺的嘴部，迫使那隻鳥只能乖乖隨行，急促地挪步。

She was wearing a blue uniform with a white apron on which the question Anything else? was printed in large letters. She held an order pad in one hand while the other hand gripped the beak of a heron which she led behind her. In this position, the heron had no choice but to follow the waitress obediently, hastily moving its feet.

女服務員站在桌邊隨意地問道：「Whachavin?」¹

The waitress stood at their table and asked casually, “Whachavin?”¹

Eejit答道：「女士，我們並不是在『看』什麼，我們是想吃點東西，也就是說，來份午餐。」

Madam, we aren’t ‘watchavin’ anything but would like to eat something, in other words, to have a spot of lunch,” said Eejit.

「這就是我現在禮貌地問一句：Whachavin?」

“Which is why I’m asking politely for now: whachavin?” “Miaow! For now?” the guests repeated in surprise.

就在此時，一位穿著拉丁美洲風格外套、舉止古怪的紳士，顯然無意中聽到了他們的對話，便以極不紳士的方式衝向他們的桌邊，打斷了他們的談話。

At that moment, an eccentric-looking gentleman in a Latin American style coat who had evidently overheard their conversation, shot up to their table in a nonetheless ungentlemanly fashion and interrupted them.

「等你到了洪都拉斯再看看吧，那裡絕不拘泥形式，這點你大可放心！」

“Wait till you visit Honduras.They don’t stand on ceremony there, that’s for sure!”

女服務員拿著點餐簿揮手把那人趕走，就像趕走一隻惱人的蒼蠅一般，那人於是便不再打擾他們。

The waitress waved the man away with her notepad as if he were an annoyingly persistent fly and he left them alone.

「好吧，」Puscilla說，「請給我一杯不含 catty-caffeine 的 moggy-coffee。」

“Right,” said Puscilla. “I’ll have moggy-coffee without the catty-caffeine please.”

「O-key do-key！」Eejit驚呼，「我要一杯不加 ailorous-alcohol 的 ailorous-alcoholic！」

“O-key do-key!” exclaimed Eejit. “I’ll have something ailorous-alcoholic without the ailorous-alcohol.”

「而我就來杯不加 milky way 的牛奶，」Cow開著玩笑說。

“And I’ll have milk without the milky way,” joked Cow.

「我來一杯不含 aqua 的水，」Submarine順著玩笑接道。

“Water without the aqua, for me,” said Submarine playing out the joke.

「好吧，」女服務員答道，「我們這裡根本不賣咖啡，其他飲品也是如此。」

“Right,” replied the waitress. “We don’t serve coffee, same goes for the other drinks.”

「你是什麼意思，不賣咖啡？」Puscilla驚訝地問，「畢竟這地方不是叫『Cafe』嗎？」

“What do you mean, you don’t serve coffee?” asked Puscilla in surprise. “You are called a ‘Cafe’ after all.”

「正是如此，」女服務員反駁道，「如果我們叫『coffee』，那我們就會賣咖啡。你們若有興趣，不妨出門，一個音節一個音節地讀那招牌，我想你們會發現上面寫的是『Ca-fe』。」

“Exactly,” the waitress retorted. “If we were called a ‘coffee’ then coffee is what we would serve. You can go outside if you like and read the sign syllable by syllable. I think you’ll find it says ‘Ca-fe’.”

「那你們到底有什麼？Cafe？」Puscilla問。

“What do you have, then? Cafe?” asked Puscilla.

「沒有那種飲品。告訴你們，根本不存在。我推薦我們的招牌家製雞尾酒。」

“There is no such drink. For your information, it doesn’t exist. I recommend our signature house cocktail.”

「那雞尾酒是什麼味道？」

“What’s it like?”

就在那一瞬，另一位顧客突然沖到他們桌邊——一位看起來顯得邋遢、披著長羽毛圍巾的女士，她興奮地喊道：「這簡直太神了，絕對神啦！我愛它！愛它！愛它！」

In that instant, another customer shot up to their table, a dirty looking lady with a long feather boa, who exaltedly exclaimed, “It’s divine, absolutely divine! I love it! Love it! Love it!”

女服務員揮動著她的記錄簿，迫使那位女士只能退後。「那麼，您想點點什麼嗎？」

The waitress waved her book at the woman and she was forced to retreat. “So, would you like to order some?”

「親愛的，」Eejit說，「呃，抱歉，請問您的……」

“My dear,” said Eejit, “umm, sorry, what is your...”

「其實我是空服小姐，」女服務員傲慢地回答，「啊……好吧，我們就‘冒險一試’您所推薦的吧。」

“I’m a stavardess actually,” the waitress replied in an arrogant tone. “Aha... okay, well, we will, let’s say ‘risk’ what you have to offer.”

「好吧，」空服小姐說，「我正把它記下來呢。」

“Right,” said the stewardess. “I’m writing that down.”

她從口袋裡掏出一支鉛筆，將其夾在白鷺的嘴裡，再用手合攏固定，然後小心翼翼地在她的記錄簿上寫下「Cocktail」這個字。那隻鳥悲鳴了一聲，卻不敢反抗。我們的賓客驚愕地靜默觀察著這一繁複的過程，最終，Eejit決定提出一個問題。

She took a pencil from her pocket, placed it in the heron’s beak, clasped it shut again with her hand and began carefully writing in her pad the word “Cocktail”. The bird squeaked plaintively but did not dare resist. Our guests observed this elaborate procedure in astonished silence. Finally, Eejit decided to ask a question.

「女士……呃，空服小姐，您為何要折磨那隻鳥？」

“Madam... uuh, stavardess, why are you tormenting that bird?”

她尖銳地回答道：「這就是我們這裡的做法。」隨後，她指了指自己的圍裙。

“It’s what we do here,” she answered sharply and then gestured to her apron.

「什麼？」Eejit驚訝地挑了挑眉，甚至摘下了眼鏡。

“What?” asked Eejit, raising his eyebrows in surprise and even taking off his glasses.

「這就是——我早已厭倦反覆問的那個問題。你們自己看看吧。」

“Here is it, the same question that I am sick of having to ask over and over again. Read it for yourselves.”

桌邊的賓客正欲表達不滿，卻被Eejit搶先打斷。

The guests at the table were about to express their indignation but Eejit interrupted them taking the initiative.

「親愛的，首先，若您允許，我們希望看看菜單。」

“My dear, first of all, with your permission, we would like to see the menu.” “We don’t have a menu. We don’t keep one.”

「您是什麼意思？那我們怎麼知道該點些什麼？」

“What do you mean? How will we know what to order?”

「你們要麼點單，要麼就不點。對於特殊要求，我們有獨立的價目表。」

“You’ll either make an order or you won’t. There are separate price lists for special requests.”

「什麼樣的特殊要求？」

“What kind of special requests?”

「只要你們提出，就會知道的，對吧？」

“If you make one, you’ll find out won’t you.” “Okay, as I said, we’ll risk the cocktail.”

女服務員不發一語地轉身，拖著那隻鳥朝吧台走去；她剛離開桌邊，一位穿著運動服的優雅老者便跳到他們桌前，用洪亮的聲音喊道，

The waitress turned around without uttering another word and headed over towards the bar dragging the bird behind her. No sooner had she stepped away from the table than a gracefully aged old man in a tracksuit jumped up to their table and in a loud voice said,

「你們這群家伙真愛冒險，不是嗎！我一眼就看出來了。我們應該搞一場比賽！絕對要搞！」

“You guys like taking risks, don’t you! I spotted it straight away. We should organize a race! Definitely!

「比賽？你到底在說什麼？」Eejit代表大家回答，因為其他人都不知道該如何回應。

“What race, what are you talking about?” asked Eejit answering on behalf of them all since no-one else knew what to say.

「一場競技比賽！激烈又充滿對抗的比賽，你們要的是那種設有障礙、非常有勁的賽事！障礙越多越好！這正是激發你們活力的絕佳方式！絕對！絕對！」

“A competitive race! Combative! A very vigorous race with obstacles, if you like! It’ll be even better with obstacles! It’s an excellent way of getting you going. Definitely! Definitely!

那位熟悉的紳士接著說：「還有件事要告訴你們！你們一定得去洪都拉斯看看！你們去過嗎？那真是個令人精神煥發的國家！一落機就會被沒收文件、直接丟進監獄，然後再慢慢解決。咱們現在就可以去，立刻就動身！」

“And I’ll tell you something else!” the familiar gentleman joined in. “You just have to visit Honduras! Have you ever been? It’s a very invigorating country! They confiscate your documents the moment you get off the plane and throw you straight in jail and they sort it all out later. We could go there, right now! Immediately!”

老者繼續說：「不過首先，得先辦一場比賽！絕對！一場非常有勁的比賽！」

“First, we’ll hold a race, though! Definitely! A very vigorous race!” the old man continued.

披著羽毛圍巾的女士也插了話：「等等！他們得先嘗嘗我們的雞尾酒！保證讓你屏息驚嘆！超級愛它！愛它！」

“Hang on!” the woman with the boa joined in. “They’ve got to try our cocktail first! It’ll take your breath away! Love it! Love it!

若不是女王站了起來，朝這些擾人的喧嘩者投以威嚴的目光，並默默揮了揮手示意他們快走，這場喧鬧還能持續多久呢？她這一舉動立刻讓他們散去，但他們還邊走邊喊著：「愛它！愛它！洪都拉斯！我們要辦比賽！」等他們再次落座後，總算平靜下來。

Who can say how long this cacophony would have continued had not the queen stood up, shot the pests a menacing look and without saying a word, made an imperious gesture of the arm indicating that they should go away. This they did without delay nonetheless repeating, ‘Love it! Love it! Honduras! We’ll hold a race!’ Once they had finally sat back down at their own tables, they calmed down again.

與此同時，和藹可親的空服小姐迅速回來了，一手端著裝有六個高杯的托盤，另一手仍緊握著那隻不幸的白鷺的嘴。她把杯子放在桌上後，便開始把玩著托盤，一刻也沒放開那隻鳥。

In the meantime, the gracious stewardess promptly returned. In one hand she carried a tray with six tall glasses, still gripping the unfortunate heron by the beak with the other. Having placed the glasses on the table, she began to play with the tray not letting go of the bird for a moment.

杯子裡裝滿了帶點綠意的液體，附有各種你所期待的裝飾：伸出來的吸管、迷你雞尾酒傘、各種水果片……此外，還有一項平常少見的特色，說得委婉些，就是那些零零碎碎的裝飾品一露面，就讓我們整個演出團隊驚呆了。

The glasses were filled with a greenish liquid and had all the extras you would expect: straws sticking out, cocktail umbrellas, slices of this, that and the other… There was also one less than usual attribute, to put it mildly, amidst the other bits and pieces which, as soon as they spotted it, sent our entire casting crew into shock.

活蹦亂跳的青蛙正攀附在杯沿上，一會張嘴，好像在嘗試說點什麼。直到這時，我們的朋友才發現其他桌上的杯子都跟這完全一模一樣。

Live frogs were sitting on top of the glasses gripping hold of the rim. They opened their mouths from time to time as if trying to say something. Only now did our friends realize that all the glasses on the other tables were exactly the same.

「打擾一下，」Eejit幾乎按捺不住激動地說，「這究竟是什麼用意！？」

“Excuse me” said Eejit, barely able to contain himself, “but what is this for!?”

女服務員回答說：「青蛙的前足就像鰭狀肢，它們很適合用來攪拌雞尾酒。」

“A frog’s front feet are like flippers,” the waitress replied, “they’re good for mixing the cocktail.”

Eejit驚呼道：「難道我們真的要用青蛙腿來拌雞尾酒？」他雖曾自誇再也無法被驚到，卻依然對眼前的情景感到十分震驚。

“We’re supposed to stir the cocktail with frog’s legs?” exclaimed Eejit, who was astonished by what he was hearing despite having boasted earlier that nothing could surprise him anymore.

「難道就不能乾脆給我們拿把湯匙嗎？這些可愛的兩棲動物，除了腿之外其他部位都很柔軟，根本不適合用來攪拌，而且再說了，它們還是活的呢！」

“Would it not be simpler just to bring us a spoon? They’re cute amphibians and everything but their legs are also soft which makes them unsuitable for the purpose, and anyway, they’re alive!”

「你以為我們會替你炸青蛙嗎？自己去炸你的青蛙吧！」

“Did you expect us to fry them for you? Fry your own frogs!”

「打擾一下，但你真的認為用青蛙來攪拌飲料是正常做法嗎？你究竟怎麼看待這一切？」

“Excuse me but do you really consider it normal to stir anything with a frog? How do you actually see that happening?”

團隊中的老朋友們急於站起來提出建議，但女王果斷地揮手制止了他們。

The group’s old friends looked desperate to jump up and offer valuable advice, but the queen stopped them in their tracks with a sharp gesture of the hand.

「雞尾酒必須在飲用前被攪拌好，」女服務員斷然說道，「這是本店的規定。所有顧客都應知悉，但考慮到你們顯然不是本地人，我願意破例。」說罷，她的語氣也稍稍柔和了些。

“A cocktail has to be stirred before it is consumed,” the waitress snapped. “House rules. Our customers should be informed although in your case, I’m prepared to make an exception taking into account that you’re obviously not from these parts.” The waitress softened a little.

「哦，請務必破例吧！」Eejit不敢再進一步發難，生怕激怒女服務員。

“Oh, please do make an exception!” Eejit did not dare launch into a more extensive tirade not wanting to irritate the waitress any more than they had done already.

「簡單。你看那桌上備有牙籤，你只需輕撫青蛙的肚子，它便會開始踢腿，自行攪拌雞尾酒。」

“Easy. You see the table is set with toothpicks. All you have to do is tickle the frog’s tummy and it’ll start kicking its feet and mixing the cocktail itself.”

Eejit驚呼道：「真是太迷人了！簡直令人陶醉！」

“How awfully charming! Delightful!” exclaimed Eejit.

剩下的隊員都默默無語，但從他們的神情中卻流露出明顯的情緒。那幾乎怒不可遏的女王眼看就要怒氣沖沖地離開，Cow低聲對她說：

The remaining members of the team preferred to remain silent, but their feelings were quite clear from the expression on their faces. The queen who was almost beside herself with rage was on the verge of walking out, but Cow whispered to her:

「女王大人，請再忍耐一會兒，我很想看看接下來會發生什麼。」

“Your Majesty, let’s stick it out a bit longer. I’m interested to see what happens next.”

Eejit接著說：「親愛的空服小姐，請你告訴我們還能點些什麼？」

“My dear stavardess,” Eejit continued, “be so kind as to tell us what else we might order?”

「這就對了，你們正在學習呢，」女服務員居高臨下地回答，同時指著自己的圍裙說，「現在請開始點單吧。」

“That’s more like it. You’re learning,” the waitress replied condescendingly and pointing to her apron. “You can place your order.”

「但點什麼呢？究竟該選什麼？」

“But what? What exactly?”

「我再重申一遍：你們要麼點單，要麼就不點。如果要點，就選你們真正想要的。」

“I repeat. You either make an order or you don’t. If you are going to order something, then order what you want.”

「但如果我們連可供選擇的都不知道，又怎麼能知道自己究竟想要什麼呢？」

“But how can we know what we want if we don’t know what is available?”

「你們到底是打算點單還是不點？」女服務員再度顯出一絲不耐。

“Are you going to order something or not?” The waitress was becoming impatient again.

「喵！我們要點單了，」Puscilla說，她決定代表大家回答。

“Miaow! We’re going to order,” said Puscilla who decided to answer for them all.

「好吧，那我就記下來。」

“Okay, I’ll write it down, then.”

女服務員依舊那習慣性的動作，從口袋掏出一支鉛筆，將它夾在白鷺的嘴裡，開始在記錄簿上寫下「order」這個字。

The waitress took a pencil from her pocket with her habitual movement and, placing it in the heron’s beak, began to write the word “order” in her notepad.

「還有一個小問題，請問可以嗎？」Eejit說。 「請說。」

“Just one more question, if you’d be so kind?” said Eejit. “Go on?”

「為什麼要用這麼繁瑣的書寫程序？那隻鳥究竟有什麼用？」 「這真是荒謬極了！」Puscilla突然爆出話來。

“Why this complex writing procedure? What’s the bird for?” “It’s absolutely ridicupuss!” Puscilla burst out.

「為什麼它就得白吃？鳥兒也得自己掙餐費，你知道的。」

“Why the hell should she eat for free? Birds have to earn their supper too, you know.”

「小姐，你大錯特錯了。這隻鳥欠你什麼？放它走，它自會覓食，」Eejit說。

“You are deeply mistaken, miss. This bird owes you nothing. Let her go and she will feed herself,” said Eejit.

「現在我們談到你們的特殊要求了。」女服務員的語氣開始活躍起來，「所以，你們堅持要我放走這隻鳥？」

“Now we’re getting down to your special requests.” The waitress was livening up. “So, you insist I set the bird free?”

「是的，我堅持。」

“Yes, I insist.”

「如你所願。照價目表付款，白鷺就放走。」

“As you wish. Pay according to the price list and the heron will go free.”

女服務員把一張紙隨手丟到桌上，指向價目表上一個數字。

The waitress threw a sheet of paper onto the table and pointed to a number in the list.

「真的嗎？」Eejit再次驚訝地說，「好吧……」

“Really?” said Eejit who was surprised yet again. “Well...”

他從錢包中取出錢，點算出所需金額後將鈔票交給女服務員；她收下後終於放開了那隻鳥。白鷺雖張開嘴，但卻不敢挪動一絲半縷。

He took out his wallet, counted out the required sum and handed the notes over to the waitress who took the money and finally let go of the bird. The heron opened its beak but dare not move.

「好了，你這隻鳥，拿著吧。」Eejit從杯中取出一隻青蛙，放進那隻鳥張開的嘴中，「你自由了！」

“There, you bird, take that.” Eejit pulled the frog out of his glass and placed it in the bird’s open beak. “You are free!”

白鷺吞下青蛙，扇動著翅膀，急匆匆地飛向那扇幸運地留著開啟的門。

The bird swallowed the frog, flapped its wings and hurried towards the door which happily had been left open.

「如果您還有其他特殊要求，請隨便提出。」女服務員說完這話後便離開了這桌，去送其他人的點單。

If you have any other special requests, please, go ahead.” With these words the waitress left the group’s table to deliver someone else’s order.

當朋友們再次獨處時，鬆了一口氣。Submarine讚道：「太棒了，Eejit！」

Once alone again our friends sighed with relief. “Bravo, Eejit!” said Submarine.

Beast說：「真是高尚之舉。」

“A noble act,” said Beast.

Cow說：「我根本想不到會這樣做。」

“I would not have thought of that,” said Cow.

Puscilla大喊：「特殊要求，對吧？所以這就是他們騙顧客錢財的把戲！」

“Special requests, hey? So that’s how they scam money off their customers!” shouted Puscilla.

Eejit猜道：「還會有更多呢。」

“There’ll be others,” Eejit suspected.

Brunhilda問道：「但你以前不也來過這裡嗎，Puscilla？你說過你認識這地方呢？」

“But haven’t you been here before, Puscilla?” asked Brunhilda. “You said you knew this place?”

Puscilla回答：「我聽說過，但這是我第一次進來。」

“I knew of it, but this is the first time I have ever come in.”

朋友們連雞尾酒都沒碰一下，不久後，女服務員帶著空盤子和擺好的餐具回來，然後擺出一副期待的模樣。

The friends did not even touch their cocktails but before long the waitress returned with empty crockery and set plates on the table before assuming an expectant pose.

「還有其他特殊要求嗎？」

“Any other special requests?”

「暫時沒有，親愛的，」Eejit說，「我們只是在滿懷期盼地等待我們的點單。」

“Not yet, dear,” said Eejit. “We are just waiting longingly for our order.” “There it is right in front of you.”

「你是什麼意思？餐盤竟然是空的？」

“What do you mean? The plates are empty?” “That’s your order. What else would you like?” “We’d just like something to eat if you don’t mind.”

「那就請享用吧。」

“Well, tuck in then.”

「怎麼吃？餐盤裡根本什麼也沒有！」

“How can we if there’s nothing there?” “Start, I said!”

Eejit此時對接連的驚喜已感厭煩，他拿起刀叉試探性地碰了碰自己的餐盤。就在那一刻，一大塊肉突然出現在他的盤中──正是Eejit最愛的菜餚。他切下一片肉，咀嚼後吞了下去；隨後，他摘下眼鏡，環顧四周，給予大家鼓勵的眼神。其他人紛紛效仿，很快他們想點的餐點也陸續出現在各自的盤中。他們謹慎地沒有發表任何評論，便開始享用眼前的美食。而女服務員則朝著天空翻了個白眼，用手指在太陽穴旁輕輕一轉，然後默默地轉身離去。

Eejit, who was by now tired of being surprised, picked up his knife and fork and touched his plate as an experiment. In that instant, a large piece of meat appeared on his plate — Eejit’s favorite dish. He cut off a slice of meat, chewed, swallowed. Then he removed his glasses and looked around at the others giving them an encouraging look. The others followed his example and the dishes they would have liked to order appeared on their plates. They prudently refrained from making any comment and tucked into the food before them. The waitress rolled her eyes to heaven, rotated her finger at the side of her temple and then silently turned and walked away.

「那好吧，」Eejit餐畢後立即說道，「來點喝的吧。」

“Right then,” said Eejit as soon as the meal was over. “Something to drink would be nice.”

「打算試試招牌雞尾酒嗎？」Submarine帶著諷刺的語氣問道，「他們只有那一款。」

“Thinking of trying the house cocktail?” asked Submarine in a sarcastic tone. “That’s all they have.”

「不，我要驗證一個假設。」Eejit招呼女服務員過來。

“No, I want to test a hypothesis.” Eejit called the waitress over.

「親愛的，能否勞煩您拿六個空杯子給我？」

“My dear, could I trouble you for six empty glasses?”

女服務員哼了一聲，走開後不久端著托盤回來，默不作聲地把杯子依次放在每位客人的面前，然後叉著腰站立。Eejit拿起一個杯子，小心嘗了一口，杯子立刻自動注滿了一種液體，他大快朵頤，一口喝下。其他人也紛紛效仿，如此已成慣例。

The waitress grunted, walked off and returned carrying a tray. Without saying a word, she placed the glasses in front of each guest and then stood with her hands on her hips. Eejit took the glass and tried carefully taking a sip. The glass immediately filled with a liquid of some kind that Eejit took great pleasure in gulping down in one go. The rest followed his example as was becoming the custom.

「謝謝，」Eejit說道。

“Thank you,” said Eejit.

「非常感謝！」Submarine補充道，「現在請把帳單拿來，」Brunhilda接著說。

“Thank you very much!” added Submarine. “And now the bill, please,” said Brunhilda.

女服務員送來了帳單，女王結清了金額並給予了豐厚的小費。這次一切都如預期般順利，朋友們準備起身離去，但Puscilla卻用爪子一揮攔住了他們，並向女服務員拋出了她最愛的問題。

The waitress brought the bill over and the queen settled the amount leaving a generous tip. This time, everything went as expected and all that remained was for our friends to get up from the table and leave. But Puscilla stopped them with a movement of her paw and asked the waitress her favorite question.

「我可以問一句嗎；你知道你自己是誰嗎？」

“Can I just ask; do you know who you are?”

女服務員警覺地回答：「你到底想說什麼？」

“What are you trying to say?” the waitress answered warily.

「你怎麼看？是你在扮演別人的角色，還是有人替你演你的角色？」

“What do you think, are you playing the role of another or is someone playing yours instead of you?”

「你是想侮辱我嗎？」

“You’re trying to insult me?”

「不！我們只是單純想知道，你是否真的是你自己。」

“No! We simply want to know whether you are genuinely you.”

「不，我已經看出來你在試圖侮辱我。」

“No, I can see that you’re trying to insult me.”

「我們真的毫無冒犯你的意思，」Eejit補充道，「我們只是出於好奇，若不是對您懷有最深的敬意，我們根本不會這麼問。」

“We really don’t have the slightest desire to offend you,” added Eejit. “We are just curious and would not ask if we did not have the deepest respect for you.”

「我對侮辱並無意見，這算是特殊要求的一項。我們一向竭力滿足顧客的需求。這是價目表，請您趁此時先熟悉一下。」

“I have nothing against insults either. They relate to the special requests category. We always try to meet our clients’ requests. Here’s the price list. You can familiarize yourself with it in the meantime.

客人們興致勃勃地打量著那張標明各種髒話及罵人詞彙，每個項目旁邊都有對應價格的清單。

The guests looked with interest at the list of bad names and swear words each marked with its own price.

「但我要提醒你們，我那粗魯的回應也得額外收費，這屬於我們提供的服務項目：一切費用都嚴格按照價目表辦理。」

“Only I should warn you that you will have to pay for my own rude response, too. It’s included in our range of services. Everything is charged strictly according to the price list.”

「不，親愛的空服小姐，」Puscilla解釋道，「我們對您充滿貓咪般的恭敬（catty respect），我們最不願意的就是跟您爭吵。您能否簡單地說一句『我就是我』？」

“No, dear stavardess,” Puscilla explained, “you have our total catty respect and the last thing we want is to argue with you. Can you simply say, ‘I am me’?”

「那個侮辱詞不在清單上，但我現在可以把它加進去，」女服務員果斷地回答，同時伸手取過鉛筆。

“That insult isn’t in the list, but I can add it now,” replied the waitress decisively reaching for her pencil.

「不！不！那根本不是侮辱！那只是我們玩的遊戲罷了。我們每個人輪流說『我就是我』，然後輪到您說。就這麼簡單！」

“No! No! That’s not an insult! It’s a game we play. Each of us is going to say ‘I am me’ in turn and then it’ll be your go. That’s all!”

女服務員變得比以往更為警覺，可還未等她再開口，我們的朋友們依次說出了「我就是我」。話音剛落，便發生了驚人一幕：女服務員連忙未來得及漸啟口，就僵硬定格在原地——她的臉和雙手竟被一層蠟覆蓋，整個人彷彿瞬間變成了一尊蠟像。

The waitress became even more wary than before but before she could say anything else each of our friends said in turn, ‘I am me’. But no sooner was the round complete than something extraordinary happened. Before she even had time to open her mouth, the waitress froze mid-pose. A wax coating covered her face and hands and she literally turned into a wax figure.

朋友們也頓時呆住，不知所措。待他們回過神來後，環視四周，只見處處皆是一片僵住的景象。Cafe裡的人們——或許更像是那些無生命的蠟像，因為每個面孔都失去了生氣——都定格在不自然的姿態中，好似突然被按下快門，捕捉於一個永恆的瞬間。

The friends also froze totally dumbfounded. Having recovered, they looked around. Everywhere they saw the same motionless scene. The people in the cafe, or rather their mannequins since all the faces were lifeless wax, had frozen in unnatural looking poses, as if they had been caught suddenly in a freeze-frame.

這對團隊來說又是一番震撼，絕不亞於剛才的遭遇。他們迷茫地在各桌間徘徊，小心翼翼地觸摸那些蠟像，彷彿在尋找一絲活力。

This was another shock for the team no less powerful than the one they had just experienced. They wandered confused from one table to another, cautiously touching the mannequins.

他們齊聲喊道：「嘿！」但四周卻沒有任何回應。

“Hey!” they said, but there was no reaction.

外頭的情景依然如故：所有汽車和路過行人都已僵硬不動，一切都凝固成一幅無生氣的畫面。在這個全新的世界裡，我們的朋友是唯一仍然活著的存在。

Outside, the scene was exactly the same. All the cars and passers-by had frozen still. Everything froze into a lifeless scene. In this new world, our friends were the only ones who remained alive.

那句「你要點什麼？」快速一念，竟聽起來像「watchavin」。

The question ’what are you having?’ pronounced quickly sounds like ’watchavin’.