相思病

Lovesick

他們走啊走，終於到了。在城市裡，各種機構的建築緊挨在一起。沒有購物中心、娛樂遊行，甚至沒有住宅建築，只是機構，而且每棟建築都有一個標誌，上面寫著冗長而難以理解的縮寫，這意味著這些機構的全名更長更難懂。

They walked and walked until finally they arrived. In the city, the buildings of all manner of institution were squashed up right next to each other. There were no shopping centers, entertainment parades or even residential buildings to be seen, just institutions and each building had a sign marked with a long and incomprehensible abbreviation from which it followed that the full names of these institutions were even longer and even more incomprehensible.

這些密集排列的多樣化組織，無疑是為了社會的利益而工作，表明這是一個具有重大意義的城市，其僕人是重要人物。很少在街上遇到行人，但到處都是車輛飛馳，車主急於處理一些極其緊急的事務。每位司機都拿著手機，一邊控制車輛，一邊進行不亞於緊急的談判。從這一切中可以推斷，城市的居民不是去上班，而是忙於國家大事，這當然是完全不同的事情。

The densely arranged and diverse accumulation of organizations, which were undoubtedly working exclusively for the benefit of society, indicated that this was a city a great significance and that its servants were people of note. Rarely did one meet a passer-by on the street but everywhere there were cars shooting about, their owners in a rush to carry out some extremely urgent business. Each driver was holding a cell phone managing to control the car and carry out no less urgent negotiations at the same time. From all this, one might conclude that the city’s inhabitants were not going to work but were instead extraordinarily busy with state affairs, which is, of course, a very different thing.

我們的團隊在街上徘徊，尋找能幫助他們解決懸在城市上方的臭名昭著的蓋子問題的機構。毫無疑問，居民們也關心同樣的問題，他們在城市中的活躍活動都是為了一個崇高的目的。作為他們中最有學識和能力的人，Eejit被委託閱讀建築物前的標誌。

Our company roamed the streets in search of an institution that might be able to assist them with their ongoing problem: the notorious lid that was hanging over the city. The inhabitants were no doubt concerned with the same issue and their vigorous activity throughout the city was all for the sake of some lofty purpose. Being the most educated and competent among them, Eejit was entrusted with the task of reading the signs on the front of the buildings.

「這裡有什麼，」他喃喃自語，仰著頭看。「羅宋湯公司。嗯，一個重要的機構。我們應該進去看看。」

“What do we have here,” he muttered, tilting his head back to see. “Borsch Borsching. Hum, a weighty institution. We should pop in.”

「去你的羅宋湯！」潛水艇喊道。「我們在找和蓋子有關的東西！」

“Hell with you and your borsch!” shouted Submarine. “We’re looking for something connected to lids!”

「那麼，問題是什麼？羅宋湯直接和蓋子有關！你在鍋裡煮它，而鍋上蓋著蓋子。」

“So, what’s the problem? Borsch is directly connected to lids! You cook it in a saucepan which is covered with a lid.”

「繼續走，繼續走，」女王命令道。

“Move on, move on,” the queen ordered.

「這裡還有一個。非常好奇。『褶邊褶皺』」Eejit讀道。「我們要進去嗎？」 「你在開玩笑嗎？！」潛水艇憤怒地插話道。

“Here’s another one. Very curious. ‘Frill Frilling’” read Eejit. “Shall we go in?” “Are you kidding me?!” Submarine interjected indignantly.

「好吧，也許他們的利基市場有點專門化。哦，看這裡！『餘味矯正』。有趣，我想知道那是什麼餘味？也許是一種蓋子的餘味？」

“Okay, maybe their niche is a little specialized. Oh, look here! ‘Aftertaste Correction’. Interesting, what aftertaste might that be, I wonder? Maybe a liddy kind of aftertaste?”

「Eejit，別胡說八道，」布倫希爾德說。「我們不是來這裡胡鬧的。」

“Eejit, don’t talk nonsense,” said Brunhilda. “We did not come here to mess around.”

「啊，正是我們需要的，『無酒精廁所』。『……！！！』」

“Ah, just what we need, ‘Alcohol-free Toilet’. “...!!!”

「好吧，好吧，我閉嘴。如果你們都這麼聰明，自己讀吧。」

“Okay, okay, I’ll shut up. Read for yourself if you’re all so clever.”

「這些都不是我們想要的，」牛說。「我們最好尋找那些有縮寫的機構。它們通常處理嚴肅的事情，超級嚴肅的事情。」

“None of this is what we want,” said Cow. “We’d be better off searching for institutions with abbreviations. They usually deal with serious matters, matters of superior seriousness.”

「沒錯，如果沒有其他地方可去，那你就得去別的地方，」Eejit以他特有的方式回答。「我們需要一個原則上和絕對從的地方。」

“Exactly, if there’s nowhere else to go, then you have to go somewhere else,” answered Eejit in his own characteristic manner. “We need somewhere that is in principle to and categorically from.”

「閉嘴，好嗎？」潛水艇打斷道。「看，那邊。那看起來像個嚴肅的機構。他們用大字寫著『INSTHEALPROTHAPFUN』。聽起來很有說服力。至少它有『heal』這個詞根，所以可能與公共健康有關。他們必須關心我們的健康，不是嗎？而蓋子正在損害它，對吧？」

“Shut up, will you?” Submarine interrupted. “Look, over there. That looks like a serious institution. They’ve got ‘INSTHEALPROTHAPFUN’ writ in large letters. Sounds most convincing. At least it has the root ‘heal’ in it so it probably relates to public health. They have to care for our health, don’t they? And the lid’s harming it, right?”

「好吧，我們進去吧，」女王說。

“Okay, let’s go inside,” the queen said.

一位值班醫生在入口處迎接他們。「你們生病了嗎？」他問。

A duty doctor met them at the entrance. “Are you sick?” he asked.

「不，我們是為了蓋子而來，」布倫希爾德回答。「什麼蓋子？」

“No, we’ve come about the lid,” Brunhilda replied. “What lid?”

「那個懸在城市上方遮住天空的蓋子。」 「對。然後呢……？」

“The one hanging over the city and blocking out the sky.” “Right. And...?”

「嗯，蓋子不讓陽光透過！」

“Well, the lid does not let the sunlight through!”

「紫外線，我的親愛的，對疾病的正常循環有極其負面的影響。疾病必須按照它應有的方式發展。」

“Ultraviolet radiation, my dears, has an extremely negative affect on the normal cycle of disease. A disease must be allowed to develop in the way that it is supposed to develop.”

「非常合理的論點，」Eejit說，對於遇到一個志同道合的人感到高興。「允許我握握你的手。」

“Very reasonable arguments,” Eejit said, enjoying having come across a like- minded person. “Allow me to shake your hand.”

「但是等等，」女王說，「蓋子讓我們窒息，這也直接損害了我們的健康！」

“But wait,” said the queen, “the lid is suffocating us and that directly harms our health, too!”

「不，我們已經嚴格、科學地證明蓋子是完全無害的，」醫生宣稱。

“No, we have strictly, scientifically proven that the lid is totally harmless,” the doctor declared.

「請問，」牛以最禮貌的方式對醫生說，「你們尊貴機構的名稱是如何解讀的？」

“Could you tell me, please,” said Cow, addressing the doctor most politely of them all, “how is the name of your esteemed establishment to be deciphered?”

「健康保護與快樂葬禮機構」，醫生傲慢地回答。

“Institution for Health Protection and Happy Funerals”, the doctor replied condescendingly.

「所以，你們確實處理健康相關問題？」 「我們處理，但不太多問題，而是保護。」

“So, you do in fact deal with issues regarding health?” “We do, only not so much issues as protection.”

「所以這是一個安全組織？」

“So, this is a security organization?”

「正是如此。」

“Precisely.”

「那麼你們如何保障民眾健康的安全？」

“So how do you provide for the security of the population’s health?”

「我們不保護民眾的健康，我們保護民眾免受健康的影響。」

“We don’t protect the health of the population, we protect the population from its health.”

「那麼，你們治療疾病嗎？」

“So, do you treat diseases?”

「當然。治療疾病是我們的主要任務和最終目標。」 「抱歉，」牛說，「但最終目標不應該是康復嗎？」

“Naturally. Treatment of disease is our main profile and ultimate goal.” “Sorry,” said Cow, “but shouldn’t the ultimate goal be recovery?”

「不完全是。康復是一個中間階段，因為它不可避免地會被另一種疾病的發作所取代。因此，我們所有的注意力都專注於疾病。最終重要的是治療的過程。」

“Not quite. Recovery is an intermediate stage, since it is inevitably followed by the onset of another disease. For this reason, all our attention is focused exclusively on diseases. It’s the process of treatment that is ultimately essential.”

「所以，治癒對你們來說不重要？」

“So, healing doesn’t interest you?”

「首先，我們已經有一些無法治癒的疾病。其次，如果每個人都康復了，我們還能治療誰呢？你已經用盡了可能的問題，所以親愛的人們，如果你有某種疾病，歡迎，但如果沒有……」

“Firstly, we already have diseases that are incurable. And secondly, if everyone recovers, who will we treat? You have exhausted the list of possible questions, so dear people, if you have a disease of some kind, welcome, but if you haven’t...”

「很明顯這裡對我們沒有什麼幫助。我們走吧。」布倫希爾德在牛的耳邊低語。

“It’s quite clear there is nothing for us here. Let’s scram.” Brunhilda whispered in Cow’s ear.

「請，最後一個問題！」牛不願平息地說。「你們主要治療什麼？主要的疾病是什麼？」

“Please, just one last question!” said Cow, refusing to be pacified. “What do you mainly treat? What is the main disease?”

「愛，該死的！一件非常危險的事情。」

“Love, damn it! A very dangerous thing.”

「我們可以看看治療過程嗎，因為這很重要！」

“Can we take a look at the treatment process as it is so important!”

醫生猶豫了一下，但狡猾的Eejit加入了對話。

The doctor hesitated for a moment but the cunning Eejit joined the conversation.

「我親愛的同事，我被你的哲學深深啟發，我忍不住表達我的欽佩！」

“My dear colleague, I was so inspired by your philosophy that I cannot help but express my admiration!”

「好吧，有位醫生來了，看。她是你們需要交談的人。」

“Okay, there’s a doctor coming, look. She’s the person you need to talk to.”

「你們生病了嗎？」醫生用標準問題歡迎他們。

“Are you sick?” the doctor asked welcoming them with the standard question.

「不，我們是實習生，」Eejit代表大家回答。「我們對治療愛的方法感興趣。」

“No, we are trainees,” said Eejit answering for them all. “We are interested in methods for treating love.”

「哦！是嗎？我相信這是值得讚揚的。」

“Oh! Are you now? Commendable I’m sure.”

「允許我詢問您在這個建設性和重要領域取得了什麼成就？」

“Allow me to enquire what success you have achieved in this constructive and important field?”

「從技術角度來看，這個領域設備非常不足。我們勉強應付。此外，這種疾病痛苦地具有傳染性。」

“The field is very poorly equipped from a technical point of view. We are barely coping. Moreover, the disease is painfully contagious.”

「那麼，有沒有可用的藥物來治療這種極具危害的疾病？」

“And are there any medicines available for the treatment of this extremely harmful disease?”

「我們的醫生研究人員非常接近發明一種名為『Antilovsis』的通用療法，但它仍在開發中。」

“Our doctor-researchers are very close to inventing a universal remedy called ‘Antilovsis’ but it is still being developed.”

「那其他方法是如何運作的？」

“And how do the other methods work?”

「基本原則是讓病人明白他病得非常非常重。有時，疾病會自行痊癒。」

“The fundamental principle is to make it clear to the patient that he is very, very sick. Sometimes, the disease cures of its own accord.”

「哦，這太好了！所以，有一些積極的結果？」

“Oh, that’s wonderful! So, there are some positive results?”

「是的，但它們並不顯著。我們治療他們，這些混蛋，但他們是寄生蟲。他們不想變好。」

“Yes, but they aren’t significant. We treat them, the scumbags, but they’re parasites. They don’t want to get better.”

「但康復並不那麼重要。最重要的是治療過程本身！」

“But recovery is not that important. The main thing is the treatment process itself!”

「真是如此！多麼有前途的年輕人！你的理解完全正確。」

“True-true! What a promising young man! You are quite correct in your understanding.”

「我們能不能快速看看這個過程本身？」牛加入進來問道。「我們非常重視你的豐富經驗。」

“Can we not take a quick look at the process itself?” asked Cow, joining in. “We value your rich experience very highly.”

「可以的，」被奉承的女醫生同意了。「我們正要開始一場強化療程。讓我們去實驗室吧。」

“Yes, you may,” the flattered female doctor agreed. “We are just about to begin a session of intensive therapy. Let’s go to the lab.”

整個團隊跟隨女醫生，牛在路上問了更多問題。

The whole company followed the female doctor and Cow asked more questions along the way.

「告訴我，人們會來找你們治療自己嗎？」

“Tell me, do people come to you for healing themselves?”

「有時候，他們會單獨來或成雙成對地來，但那是在其中一人生病的情況下。當兩人都生病時，他們根本不想接受治療，然後就得強行帶來。」

“Sometimes, they come alone or in pairs but that is in cases where one of the two is sick. When both are sick, they don’t want to be treated at all and then they have to be brought in by force.”

「為什麼這麼殘忍？」

“Why so cruel?”

「不然你讓我們怎麼對付反社會分子？如果不對抗他們，社會會變成什麼樣子？」

“How else would you have us deal with antisocial elements? If you don’t fight them, what will become of society?”

「你們用什麼方法治療他們？」

“And what methods do you use to treat them?”

「對於情侶，我們進行一個殺愛的療程。如果有人單獨來診斷出單相思，我們會直接送他們進入重症監護室。但你們很幸運。目前我們有一對。他愛她，她不愛他，所以他們自願來找我們幫忙。我們非常鼓勵市民這種自我意識，所以我們將為他們進行一個不太痛苦的輕度療程。」

“For couples we conduct a course of therapy that is love-killing. If someone comes in by themselves with a diagnosis of unrequited love, we send them straight to the intensive care unit. But you are lucky. At the moment we have a couple. He loves her, she does not love him, so they turned to us for help, voluntarily. We are very encouraging of this kind of self-awareness in our citizens, so we are going to carry out a light session with them that won’t be too painful.”

他們走近手術室，外部裝有玻璃，內部裝有鏡子，可以不被察覺地觀察整個過程。

They approached the operating room, which was equipped externally with glass and internally with a mirror which made it possible to observe the entire process, unnoticed.

「看，多方便，」女醫生轉向代表團說。「我會從這裡指導手術，你們可以觀看。」

“See how convenient it is,” said the female doctor turning to the delegation. “I will lead the operation from here, and you can watch.”

手術室的內部安排有點不尋常。缺少的主要東西是有標準配件和工具的手術台。中央有一把看起來堅固的椅子，上面有皮帶，旁邊擺放著一張小桌子和一個像藥品櫃的玻璃箱。一名年輕男子和女子坐在靠牆的椅子上，兩邊站著兩位強壯的醫生，還有一位忙於注射器和小瓶的護士。

The interior arrangement of the operating room was a little unusual. The main thing missing was the operating table with its standard accessories and tools. At the center, there was a sturdy-looking chair with belts attached to it, and positioned beside the chair, a small table and a glass case resembling a drugs cabinet. A young man and women were sitting on chairs along the wall and on both sides of stood two strong physicians as well as a nurse who was busy with syringes and vials.

「那麼，開始吧，把病人坐到椅子上，」女醫生通過麥克風下令。

“So, guys, start by sitting the patient in the chair,” the female doctor ordered through a microphone.

兄弟們毫不客氣地抓住那個小伙子的胳膊肘，把他拖到椅子上。他沒想到會被這樣對待，開始反抗，但他們很快就制服了他，把他的手臂和腿緊緊綁在椅子的扶手和腿上。

Without ceremony, the brothers grabbed the guy by the elbows and dragged him to the chair. Not expecting to be treated in this manner, he began to resist but they quickly dealt with him, fastening his arms and legs tightly to the armrests and legs of the chair.

「你們要對我做什麼？」年輕人喊道。

“What are you going to do to me?” shouted the young man.

「沒事的，冷靜下來，這不會疼，」女醫生的聲音從玻璃後傳來。

“It’s okay, calm down, this won’t hurt,” came the sound of the female doctor’s voice from behind the glass.

「親愛的！」他的女朋友喊道。「別擔心，我們只想要對你最好的！他們會治好你，你會恢復正常的。」

“Darling!” his girlfriend called out. “Don’t worry, we only want what’s best for you! They’ll cure you and you’ll be normal again.”

「現在放開我！」年輕人再次喊道。「我撤回對手術的同意！」

“Untie me now!” the young man shouted again. “I withdraw my consent to the operation!”

「抱歉，但你沒有這個權利，」醫生回答他。「冷靜下來，一切都會好的。」然後轉向兄弟們，她補充道，「用膠帶封住他的嘴！或者不，從急救箱裡拿個膠布。對這樣一個英俊的年輕人不惜成本。」

“Sorry but you don’t have that right,” the doctor answered him. “Calm down, everything will be fine.” And then turning to the brothers, she added, “Seal his mouth with tape! Or no, take an adhesive bandage from the first-aid kit. No expense spared for such a handsome, young man.”

我們的團隊看著這一切，毫不掩飾地感到恐懼和驚訝。「為什麼要封住他的嘴？」牛問道。

Our company looked on with undisguised horror and surprise. “Why are you sealing his mouth?” asked Cow.

「如果他們開始互相交談，這會變成一場普通的爭吵，因為他們可能會和好，所有的治療都會白費。只有健康的病人應該被允許說話。」 「護士，給她注射血清！」醫生命令道。「那是什麼？」布倫希爾德問。

“If they start talking to each other, this will turn into a standard quarrel, and since they might reconcile later, all the treatment will have gone down the drain.

「血清是一種高效工具。它完全消除了在這種情況下的外交能力。」

Only the healthy patient should be allowed to speak.” “Nurse, give her the serum!” commanded the doctor. “What’s that, then?” asked Brunhilda.

「血清是一種高效工具。它完全消除了在這種情況下的外交能力。」

“The serum is a highly effective tool. It completely eliminates the capacity for diplomacy in such matters.”

「這和外交有什麼關係？」

“What’s diplomacy got to do with it?”

「別天真了，親愛的。人們天生就不會這麼輕易地說出全部真相。然後，她會開始對他感到同情，開始試圖說服他，天啊，甚至可能愛上他。我們以前遇到過這樣的情況，所以我們學到了教訓。」

“Don’t be naive, dears. People aren’t naturally inclined to tell the whole truth just like that. And then, she’ll start to feel sorry for him, start trying to persuade him, and heaven forbid, even fall in love. We have had cases like that before, so we’ve learned the hard way.”

「別忘了注射一劑好的咖啡因，」醫生補充道。「這是為了什麼？」

“Don’t forget to inject a good dose of caffeine,” added the doctor. “What is that for?”

「讓她更健談。最好讓她馬上把一切都說出來，盡快說出她對他的看法，而不是像平常那樣拐彎抹角。否則，這場療程可能會永遠持續下去。」

“Makes her more talkative. It is best she gets it all out straight away, as soon as possible, says exactly what she thinks of him, and not like normal, hedging around it going sideways here and sideways there. Otherwise, the session could go on forever.”

據說女孩反對，堅持她無論如何都會說出全部真相，這一切都沒有意義，她沒有什麼可隱瞞的，只希望她可憐的伴侶好。儘管如此，她被嚴格告知這部分程序是必須的，無法避免。最終，她當然同意了。護士迅速完成了她的工作，讓女孩坐在年輕人對面的椅子上，然後退到一旁。

The girl had objected, they say, insisting that she would speak the whole truth anyway, that there was no point in it all and that she had nothing to hide, wishing only the best for her poor partner. It was, however, rigorously instilled in her that this part of the procedure was mandatory and impossible to avoid. In the end of course, she concurred. The nurse quickly did her job, sat the girl on a chair opposite the young man and stepped aside.

不幸的小伙子被綁在椅子上，盯著他的愛人，嘴被封住。她在他對面平靜地坐了一會兒，但突然變得更加活躍，從椅子上跳起來，開始來回踱步，環顧著被綁住的男孩，他的眼睛一直跟隨著她。

The unfortunate lad sat tied to the chair, staring at his beloved with his mouth sealed. She sat calmly opposite him for a while but then suddenly became much more energetic, jumped up from the chair and began to pace back and forth, gazing round at the tethered guy, who continued to follow her with his eyes.

然後她開始了她的獨白。

Then she began her monologue.

「親愛的，別這樣看著我！你知道我們只想要對你最好的！不僅是我，我們大家都是！這是為了你好！你只是生病了，非常非常病！他們說這是可以治療的，很快就會過去！當然，我對你的感情感到受寵若驚，但你必須明白，你不值得被愛，哪怕一點點！是的，我知道，你為我做了這麼多，我很感激，我真的很感激！我會對你表示感激！但這對你來說還不夠，是嗎？是的，你是個好人，也是個忠誠的朋友，但我一刻也不能把你當作情人！別再這樣看著我了！我再說一遍。你不值得被愛，哪怕一點點！我這樣說不是為了傷害你。我只是希望你能更快康復！我知道，我經常傷害你，但我總是很快道歉。你知道的。你還需要什麼？我保證，我會一直、一直傷害你，然後立刻道歉！事情不就是這樣嗎？我發誓我會對你表示慷慨的歉意和感激！我絕不會吝嗇這些！現在我想說些好話，我是說，我真的很喜歡你！

“Honey, don’t look at me like that! You know we only want what’s best for you! And it’s not just me but all of us! It’s for your own good! You are just sick, very, very sick! They say it’s treatable and will soon pass! Of course, I am flattered by your feelings, but you must understand, you aren’t worth loving, not even a little bit! Yes, I know, you’ve done so much for me and I’m grateful, I really am! I will shower you with gratitude! But that’s not enough for you, is it? Yes, you’re a good person and a loyal friend but I could not for a moment think of you as a lover! Stop looking at me like that! I’ll say it again.You’re not worth loving, not even a little bit! I’m saying this not to hurt you. I just want you to recover more quickly! I know, I often hurt you, but I am always quick to apologize. You know that. What more do you need? I promise, I will always, always hurt you and immediately apologize afterwards! Isn’t that how things are meant to be? I swear I will shower you with generous apology and gratitude! I would never begrudge you that! And now I want to say something nice, I mean, I do really like you!

但愛你？我一點感覺都沒有！我只是無法理解我的表面調情怎麼會給你希望或理由……？」

But love you? I don’t feel anything close! And I just can’t understand how my superficial flirting could have given you hope or groundsto...?”

年輕人的眼中充滿淚水，但女孩如此激動，絲毫沒有退縮的跡象。甚至男護士和女護士都互相對視，覺得該讓她停下來了。

The young man’s eyes were filled with tears, but the girl was so wound up she showed no sign of backing off. Even the male and female nurses were casting glances at each other thinking it was time for her to stop.

「聽著，現在停下來！」女王喊道。「你真的看不出這完全是在開玩笑嗎？」

“Listen, stop this now!” shouted the queen. “Can you really not see what a complete piss-take this is?”

「別激動，親愛的。這是一場治療會議。你要求觀察。應該停止，雖然不是因為你要求，而是因為這位病人情況嚴重。無痛程序沒有效果。」

“Don’t get all worked up, dear. This is a treatment session. You asked to observe. It should be stopped although not because you demand it but because this patient is a serious case. The painless procedure is having no effect.”

「你稱這為無痛？」女王明顯憤怒地問。「那你稱什麼為痛苦？」

“You call this painless?” asked the queen, clearly indignant. “So, what do you call painful?”

「好吧，解開他，」醫生命令道，毫不在意。「快把他送到重症監護室！」

“Right, untie him,” the doctor commanded, oblivious. “Take him to intensive care, quickly!”

「天啊，你打算對他做什麼？！」

“Good lord, what do you intend to do to him?!”

「沒什麼特別的。首先，進行一個電擊療程，直到他開始冷靜下來，然後用藥物進行門診治療，這會讓他完全平靜下來。」

“Nothing special. First, a course of electric shock therapy until he starts to settle down, then outpatient treatment with drugs, which will calm him down completely.”

「你打算把他變成植物人嗎？！」

“You’re planning on turning him into a vegetable?!”

「你到底是什麼意思？我們這裡只使用官方認證的抗抑鬱藥和鎮靜劑。這一切都非常人道，對病人和整個社會都有好處，」醫生盯著女王說。

“What on earth do you mean? We only use officially certified antidepressants and sedatives here. It is all very humane and for the good of the patient and society as a whole,” said the doctor fixing the queen with a stare.

「親愛的，很明顯你才是需要治療的人！」

“My dear, it is quite clear that you are the one in need of treatment!”

「陛下，我求你，假裝什麼都沒發生，否則他們可能也會決定讓我們冷靜下來，」牛在女王耳邊低語。「看，野獸已經蜷縮成一團。他也愛上你了，害怕他們可能會把他也關在這裡。」

“Your Majesty, I beg you, pretend nothing has happened, otherwise they might decide to calm us down, too,” Cow whispered in the queen’s ear. “Look, Beast has curled up into a ball. He’s in love too, with you, and is afraid they might lock him away in here too.”

「好吧，你說服了我。這可能是最好的，」女王保持冷靜地說。

“All right, you’ve convinced me. It probably would be for the best,” the queen said keeping her voice calm.

「當然，這是最好的，毫無疑問。」

“It’s for the best, of course, it is. Of that have no doubt.”

「那麼，如果病人完全無法治療，你們會怎麼做？」 「哦，在那種情況下，我們有一個特別的『快樂葬禮』部門。」

“So, what do you do if the patient turns out to be completely untreatable?” “Oh, in that case, we have a special ‘Happy Funeral’ department.”

「那個部門做什麼？」布倫希爾德忍不住問道。

“And what does that department do?” asked Brunhilda unable to hold herself back.

「同樣是人道的程序。給予完全無痛的注射，病人最終找到他們的幸福。」

“Similarly, humane procedures. A completely painless injection is given, and the patient finally finds their happiness.”

「所以，你的意思是，你們殺了他們？」

“So, what you’re saying is, you kill them?”

「當然！你自己判斷。如果一個人無法在這一生中找到幸福，我們憑什麼折磨他們？我們的座右銘是『慈悲為懷！』我們以最人道的方式對待每一位來找我們的人。而那些固執拒絕接受我們幫助的人，最終會選擇自我中毒、溺水或上吊……這樣做不太美觀，對吧？

“Why, of course! Judge for yourself. If a person is unable to find happiness in this life, who are we to torment them? Our motto is, ‘have mercy!’ We treat everyone who comes to us with the upmost humanity. And those who are stubborn and refuse to accept our help end up poisoning themselves, drowning, or they hang themselves ... Well, it’s hardly very aesthetically pleasing, is it?

從摩天大樓上跳下來弄髒了柏油路？這完全是恥辱。現在你明白我們追求的目標有多麼人道，以及我們正在執行的任務有多重要了嗎？」

Jumping from the skyscrapers and dirtying the asphalt? It’s a complete disgrace. Now do you understand how humane the goal we are pursuing really is, and how important the mission is that we are carrying out?”

「是的，是的，你可以認為我終於完全開悟了，」女王說。「我完全同意。」

“Yes, yes, you may consider me finally fully enlightened,” said the queen. “I agree, totally and completely.”

「好吧，就是這樣！現在，如果你生病了，請不要猶豫！」 「絕對不會！」

“Well, there you have it! Now, if you do get sick, please, don’t hesitate!” “Absolutely!”

與此同時，年輕人已經被從椅子上解開，並被強行穿上了緊身衣。女孩仍然不肯罷休，祝他一切順利。她也被人攙扶著進入了『放鬆室』。

In the meantime, the young man had been released from the chair and forced into a straitjacket. The girl still was not letting up and wished him all the absolute best. She, too, had to be taken by the arms and led into the ‘relaxation room’.

「大家快走！是時候離開這裡了，」Eejit低聲說，給大家打了個信號。「我非常感謝你們這樣的示範和講解。」

“Come on everyone! It is time for us to get out of here,” Eejit whispered, giving everyone the sign. “I am exceedingly grateful to you for such an instructive demonstration and lecture.”

「一定要再來。隨時為您服務！」醫生說，顯然對自己非常滿意，並把整個代表團送到出口。

“Do come again. Always at your service!” said the doctor, clearly very pleased with herself, and led the entire delegation to the exit.

一旦自由，團隊友好地鬆了一口氣，立即加快腳步，離開這個名為『INSTHEALPROTHAPFUN』的機構。即使他們已經走出了一段合理的距離，他們仍然低著頭沉默地徘徊了很久。

Once free, the company sighed amiably with relief and immediately hastened to get away from the institution under the guise of ‘INSTHEALPROTHAPFUN’. Even once they had gained a reasonable distance, they carried on wandering for a long time, silent with their heads held low.

「有毒的監督者……」Eejit終於說道。連他也受到了影響。「我可憐那個小伙子，」潛水艇說。

“Poisonous supervisor...,” said Eejit finally. Even he was affected. “I pity the guy,” said Submarine.

「他們不必要地給女孩注射了血清。她本來可以不需要的，」牛補充道。

“And they injected the girl with serum unnecessarily. She would have managed fine without it,” added Cow.

「好吧，我們試著接觸其他機構，」布倫希爾德說。「不過這次，我們應該更小心。」

“Okay, let’s try approaching other institutions,” said Brunhilda. “Only this time, we should be more careful.”

只有野獸保持沉默，陷入自己的思緒中。在默契的同意下，團隊繼續他們的搜索。

Only Beast remained silent, lost in his own thoughts.With tacit consent, the team set out further on their search.

相思病

Lovesick

他們一路跋涉，直到最終抵達。這座城市中，各種機構的建築緊密地擠在一起，並排得沒有一絲縫隙。這裡沒有商場、娛樂慶典，甚至連住宅都看不見，只有各類公共機構，每棟建築前都有一塊牌子，上面標著一個又長又難懂的縮寫，由此可知這些機構的全名更是冗長而費解。

They walked and walked until finally they arrived. In the city, the buildings of all manner of institution were squashed up right next to each other. There were no shopping centers, entertainment parades or even residential buildings to be seen, just institutions and each building had a sign marked with a long and incomprehensible abbreviation from which it followed that the full names of these institutions were even longer and even more incomprehensible.

那密集而多樣的機構群，不禁讓人覺得它們全都是為了社會福祉而運作，足見這是一座極具【Importance】 的城市，其管理者和公僕亦都是備受矚目的人物。街上幾乎見不到行人，隨處都是急速奔馳的車輛，車主們忙著處理一些極其緊急的事務。每位司機手中總是握著手機，不僅駕駛著愛車，同時還在進行著同等緊急的談判。從這一切來看，不難推知這裡的居民並不是忙於朝九晚五，而是全神貫注地在處理國家大事，這當然又是另一回事。

The densely arranged and diverse accumulation of organizations, which were undoubtedly working exclusively for the benefit of society, indicated that this was a city a great significance and that its servants were people of note. Rarely did one meet a passer-by on the street but everywhere there were cars shooting about, their owners in a rush to carry out some extremely urgent business. Each driver was holding a cell phone managing to control the car and carry out no less urgent negotiations at the same time. From all this, one might conclude that the city’s inhabitants were not going to work but were instead extraordinarily busy with state affairs, which is, of course, a very different thing.

我們一行人在街頭徘徊，尋找能幫助解決長久以來難以破解的問題的機構，那便是那懸在城市上方、臭名昭著的蓋子。居民們無疑也因同一問題而憂慮，而他們在全城奔波忙碌，無不為某種崇高的目標而努力。作為其中最博學、最有能力的人，Eejit受命負責閱讀各大建築前的牌子。

Our company roamed the streets in search of an institution that might be able to assist them with their ongoing problem: the notorious lid that was hanging over the city. The inhabitants were no doubt concerned with the same issue and their vigorous activity throughout the city was all for the sake of some lofty purpose. Being the most educated and competent among them, Eejit was entrusted with the task of reading the signs on the front of the buildings.

他低聲喃喃自語，仰著頭細看，「Borsch Borsching。嗯，一家頗具分量的機構。我們應該進去轉轉。」

“What do we have here,” he muttered, tilting his head back to see. “Borsch Borsching. Hum, a weighty institution. We should pop in.”

「去你那一套Borsch吧！」Submarine大聲叫道，「我們是在找跟蓋子有關的東西！」

“Hell with you and your borsch!” shouted Submarine. “We’re looking for something connected to lids!”

「那麼，問題到底在哪裡？Borsch這東西和蓋子可是直接掛鉤的！你不是用一個有蓋子的平底鍋煮它嗎？」

“So, what’s the problem? Borsch is directly connected to lids! You cook it in a saucepan which is covered with a lid.”

「快走，快走，」女王下令道。

“Move on, move on,” the queen ordered.

「看，這裡還有一個。真稀奇——‘Frill Frilling’」Eejit朗讀著。「我們要進去瞧瞧嗎？」 「你在開玩笑吧？！」Submarine憤慨插話道。

“Here’s another one. Very curious. ‘Frill Frilling’” read Eejit. “Shall we go in?” “Are you kidding me?!” Submarine interjected indignantly.

「好吧，也許他們的專長確實有點偏門。哦，看這裡！‘Aftertaste Correction’。真有意思，我在想那到底會是什麼樣的餘味呢？也許是一種蓋子般的餘味？」

“Okay, maybe their niche is a little specialized. Oh, look here! ‘Aftertaste Correction’. Interesting, what aftertaste might that be, I wonder? Maybe a liddy kind of aftertaste?”

「Eejit，不要胡說八道，」Brunhilda說，「我們來這裡可不是來鬧事的。」

“Eejit, don’t talk nonsense,” said Brunhilda. “We did not come here to mess around.”

“啊，正是我們所缺的——‘Alcohol-free Toilet’…!!!”

“Ah, just what we need, ‘Alcohol-free Toilet’. “...!!!”

「好，好，我閉嘴。你們要是這麼聰明，自己看吧。」

“Okay, okay, I’ll shut up. Read for yourself if you’re all so clever.”

「這些都不是我們要的，」Cow說，「我們還是去找那些有縮寫的機構吧。它們通常處理的可是嚴肅、極其嚴肅的事務。」

“None of this is what we want,” said Cow. “We’d be better off searching for institutions with abbreviations. They usually deal with serious matters, matters of superior seriousness.”

「正是如此，如果無處可去，那就只能另尋出路了，」Eejit以他獨特的風格回答，「我們需要一個從根本意義上既屬‘to’又屬‘from’的地方。」

“Exactly, if there’s nowhere else to go, then you have to go somewhere else,” answered Eejit in his own characteristic manner. “We need somewhere that is in principle to and categorically from.”

「閉嘴，好嗎？」Submarine打斷道，「看，往那邊瞧——那看起來像一家相當認真的機構。他們大字寫著‘INSTHEALPROTHAPFUN’。聽起來相當有說服力。至少那名字裡有‘heal’這個詞根，應該是跟公共衛生有關，畢竟他們得照顧我們的健康，不是嗎？而那蓋子正是在損害它，對吧？」

“Shut up, will you?” Submarine interrupted. “Look, over there. That looks like a serious institution. They’ve got ‘INSTHEALPROTHAPFUN’ writ in large letters. Sounds most convincing. At least it has the root ‘heal’ in it so it probably relates to public health. They have to care for our health, don’t they? And the lid’s harming it, right?”

「好吧，我們進去看看，」女王說道。

“Okay, let’s go inside,” the queen said.

一位值班醫生在入口處迎上來，問：「你們生病了嗎？」

A duty doctor met them at the entrance. “Are you sick?” he asked.

「不，我們是因為那個蓋子來的，」Brunhilda回答，「什麼蓋子？」

“No, we’ve come about the lid,” Brunhilda replied. “What lid?”

「就是懸掛在城市上方、遮蔽了天空的那個。」 「對。然後……？」

“The one hanging over the city and blocking out the sky.” “Right. And...?”

「嗯，這蓋子根本不讓陽光照進來！」

“Well, the lid does not let the sunlight through!”

「親愛的，你們看，紫外線對疾病正常循環的影響極為負面。病症必須讓它按照天經地義的方式自然發展。」

“Ultraviolet radiation, my dears, has an extremely negative affect on the normal cycle of disease. A disease must be allowed to develop in the way that it is supposed to develop.”

「非常合理的論點，」Eejit說，見到志趣相投之人令他欣喜非常，「容我與你握手。」

“Very reasonable arguments,” Eejit said, enjoying having come across a like- minded person. “Allow me to shake your hand.”

「但等等，」女王說，「這個蓋子正在窒息我們，而這直接損害了我們的健康！」

“But wait,” said the queen, “the lid is suffocating us and that directly harms our health, too!”

「不，我們已經嚴謹且科學地證明，這蓋子完全無害，」醫生宣稱道。

“No, we have strictly, scientifically proven that the lid is totally harmless,” the doctor declared.

「請問您能否告訴我，」Cow以最禮貌的語氣向醫生詢問，「貴機構的名字該如何解讀？」

“Could you tell me, please,” said Cow, addressing the doctor most politely of them all, “how is the name of your esteemed establishment to be deciphered?”

醫生居高臨下地回答：“Institution for Health Protection and Happy Funerals（Institution for Health Protection and Happy Funerals）。”

“Institution for Health Protection and Happy Funerals”, the doctor replied condescendingly.

「所以，您確實是處理健康相關的問題？」

“So, you do in fact deal with issues regarding health?” “We do, only not so much issues as protection.”

「那麼，這是一個安全保障組織？」

“So, this is a security organization?”

「正是如此。」

“Precisely.”

「那您如何為民眾健康提供保障呢？」

“So how do you provide for the security of the population’s health?”

「我們不是保護民眾的健康，而是保護民眾免於他們自己的健康。」

“We don’t protect the health of the population, we protect the population from its health.”

「那麼，您是治療疾病嗎？」

“So, do you treat diseases?”

「當然。治療疾病是我們的主要項目和終極目標。」 「對不起，」Cow說，「但終極目標難道不應該是康復嗎？」

“Naturally. Treatment of disease is our main profile and ultimate goal.” “Sorry,” said Cow, “but shouldn’t the ultimate goal be recovery?”

「未必。康復只是一個中間階段，因為它不可避免地會被另一場疾病取代。因此，我們的所有注意力都完全集中於疾病上；治療的過程才是最終關鍵。」

“Not quite. Recovery is an intermediate stage, since it is inevitably followed by the onset of another disease. For this reason, all our attention is focused exclusively on diseases. It’s the process of treatment that is ultimately essential.”

「所以，你們對治癒完全提不起興趣？」

“So, healing doesn’t interest you?”

「首先，我們已經有一些無法治癒的疾病；其次，假如每個人都康復了，那我們又能治療誰呢？各位親愛的，問題清單已經問完了，所以如果你身患某種疾病，歡迎前來，但如果沒有……」

“Firstly, we already have diseases that are incurable. And secondly, if everyone recovers, who will we treat? You have exhausted the list of possible questions, so dear people, if you have a disease of some kind, welcome, but if you haven’t...”

「很明顯，這裡對我們來說什麼也沒有。走吧。」 Brunhilda在Cow耳邊低語。

“It’s quite clear there is nothing for us here. Let’s scram.” Brunhilda whispered in Cow’s ear.

「拜託，只留最後一個問題吧！」 Cow堅持不肯就此止步地說，「你們主要治療什麼？最主要的疾病是什麼？」

“Please, just one last question!” said Cow, refusing to be pacified. “What do you mainly treat? What is the main disease?”

「愛，該死的！一個極其危險的東西。」

“Love, damn it! A very dangerous thing.”

「既然這過程如此重要，我們能否看看治療流程？」

“Can we take a look at the treatment process as it is so important!”

醫生猶豫了一下，但狡黠的Eejit便插入了談話。

The doctor hesitated for a moment but the cunning Eejit joined the conversation.

「親愛的同事，我對你的哲學深受啟發，情不自禁地要表達我的欽佩！」

“My dear colleague, I was so inspired by your philosophy that I cannot help but express my admiration!”

「好了，有位醫生要來了，看——她正是你該聊的人。」

“Okay, there’s a doctor coming, look. She’s the person you need to talk to.”

醫生用標準詢問語氣迎接他們，「你們生病了嗎？」

“Are you sick?” the doctor asked welcoming them with the standard question.

「不，我們只是見習生，」 Eejit代表大家回答，「我們對治療愛情的方法感興趣。」

“No, we are trainees,” said Eejit answering for them all. “We are interested in methods for treating love.”

「哦！真是嗎？當然值得讚揚。」

“Oh! Are you now? Commendable I’m sure.”

「請容我詢問，在這個具有建設性且【Importance】 極高的領域裡，你們取得了哪些成果？」

“Allow me to enquire what success you have achieved in this constructive and important field?”

「從技術角度來看，這個領域裝備十分落後，我們幾乎難以應付，而且這疾病傳染得非常痛苦。」

“The field is very poorly equipped from a technical point of view. We are barely coping. Moreover, the disease is painfully contagious.”

「那麼，有沒有藥物可用以治療這種極其有害的疾病呢？」

“And are there any medicines available for the treatment of this extremely harmful disease?”

「我們的醫生-研究團隊已非常接近發明一種名為‘Antilovsis’的萬能藥，但目前還在研發中。」

“Our doctor-researchers are very close to inventing a universal remedy called ‘Antilovsis’ but it is still being developed.”

「那其他的方法又是如何運作的？」

“And how do the other methods work?”

「最根本的原則在於讓病患充分認識到自己正處於極為危險的狀態。有時候，病症會自然而然地痊癒。」

“The fundamental principle is to make it clear to the patient that he is very, very sick. Sometimes, the disease cures of its own accord.”

「哦，那真是太棒了！也就是說，有些治療取得了正面效果？」

“Oh, that’s wonderful! So, there are some positive results?”

「是的，但效果並不顯著。我們治療那些混蛋，但他們就是寄生蟲，根本就不想變好。」

“Yes, but they aren’t significant. We treat them, the scumbags, but they’re parasites. They don’t want to get better.”

「但康復並非那麼重要，重點在於治療這個過程本身！」

“But recovery is not that important. The main thing is the treatment process itself!”

「沒錯！真是一位前途無量的年輕人，你的理解完全正確。」

“True-true! What a promising young man! You are quite correct in your understanding.”

「我們能不能快速看一看這個治療過程呢？」Cow插話道，「我們對您豐富的經驗非常重視。」

“Can we not take a quick look at the process itself?” asked Cow, joining in. “We value your rich experience very highly.”

「可以的，」那位受寵若驚的女醫生同意道，「我們正要開始一場密集治療課程。跟我去實驗室吧。」

“Yes, you may,” the flattered female doctor agreed. “We are just about to begin a session of intensive therapy. Let’s go to the lab.”

整個團隊隨著女醫生前進，途中Cow還不停地提出各種問題。

The whole company followed the female doctor and Cow asked more questions along the way.

「請問，是否有人來找你們是為了自我治癒？」

“Tell me, do people come to you for healing themselves?”

「有時候，他們會單獨或結伴而來，但那通常發生在其中一人生病的情況；如果兩人都病了，他們根本不願意接受治療，最後只能被強制送來。」

“Sometimes, they come alone or in pairs but that is in cases where one of the two is sick. When both are sick, they don’t want to be treated at all and then they have to be brought in by force.”

「為什麼要這麼殘酷？」

“Why so cruel?”

「否則，你們如何對付那些反社會分子？如果不與他們作鬥爭，社會又該如何存續？」

“How else would you have us deal with antisocial elements? If you don’t fight them, what will become of society?”

「那你們又用什麼方法來治療他們呢？」

“And what methods do you use to treat them?”

「對情侶，我們會進行一種‘斷愛’的療程。如果有人因單戀而獨自前來，我們便直接送進重症監護室。但你們算是幸運，目前我們這裡正有一對情侶——他愛她，而她卻不愛他，所以他們自願來尋求我們的幫助。我們非常鼓勵公民展現這種自我覺知，因此我們將對他們進行一次不會太痛苦的輕度治療。」

“For couples we conduct a course of therapy that is love-killing. If someone comes in by themselves with a diagnosis of unrequited love, we send them straight to the intensive care unit. But you are lucky. At the moment we have a couple. He loves her, she does not love him, so they turned to us for help, voluntarily. We are very encouraging of this kind of self-awareness in our citizens, so we are going to carry out a light session with them that won’t be too painful.”

他們走近手術室，該室外圍以玻璃裝飾，內部以鏡面鋪設，使得整個手術過程得以在不被察覺的情況下觀察。

They approached the operating room, which was equipped externally with glass and internally with a mirror which made it possible to observe the entire process, unnoticed.

「瞧，多方便啊，」女醫生轉向代表團說，「我將從這裡主持手術，你們只需旁觀即可。」

“See how convenient it is,” said the female doctor turning to the delegation. “I will lead the operation from here, and you can watch.”

手術室內部的佈置略顯異常，主要是缺少那種配備齊全標準工具與附件的手術台。中央擺著一把看起來頗為堅固的椅子，椅上掛有束縛帶；椅旁放著一張小桌子和一個類似藥櫃的玻璃展示櫃。牆邊分別坐著一位年輕男子和一位年輕女子，而其左右各站著兩位體格強健的醫生，以及一位忙著操作注射器和藥瓶的護士。

The interior arrangement of the operating room was a little unusual. The main thing missing was the operating table with its standard accessories and tools. At the center, there was a sturdy-looking chair with belts attached to it, and positioned beside the chair, a small table and a glass case resembling a drugs cabinet. A young man and women were sitting on chairs along the wall and on both sides of stood two strong physicians as well as a nurse who was busy with syringes and vials.

「各位，先把病患安置到那把椅子上，」女醫生透過麥克風下令道。

“So, guys, start by sitting the patient in the chair,” the female doctor ordered through a microphone.

兄弟倆不客氣地抓住那男子的手肘，將他拖向椅子。沒料到會以這種方式對待，他頓時開始掙扎，但他們迅速制服了他，將他的四肢緊緊綁在椅子的扶手與椅腿上。

Without ceremony, the brothers grabbed the guy by the elbows and dragged him to the chair. Not expecting to be treated in this manner, he began to resist but they quickly dealt with him, fastening his arms and legs tightly to the armrests and legs of the chair.

「你們打算對我怎麼做？」那年輕男子喊道。

“What are you going to do to me?” shouted the young man.

「沒事的，冷靜點，這不會痛的，」女醫生的聲音從玻璃後傳來。

“It’s okay, calm down, this won’t hurt,” came the sound of the female doctor’s voice from behind the glass.

「親愛的！」他的女友叫道，「別擔心，我們只希望你能好起來！他們會治好你的，你很快就會恢復正常的。」

“Darling!” his girlfriend called out. “Don’t worry, we only want what’s best for you! They’ll cure you and you’ll be normal again.”

「快放開我！」那年輕男子再次喊道，「我撤回對這次手術的同意！」

“Untie me now!” the young man shouted again. “I withdraw my consent to the operation!”

「抱歉，但你沒有那個權利，」醫生答道，「冷靜點，一切都會沒事的。」 隨後，她轉向那兩位兄弟補充道，「用膠帶封住他的嘴！不對，從急救箱裡拿個創口貼來。對於這麼英俊的年輕人，花錢絕不吝嗇。」

“Sorry but you don’t have that right,” the doctor answered him. “Calm down, everything will be fine.” And then turning to the brothers, she added, “Seal his mouth with tape! Or no, take an adhesive bandage from the first-aid kit. No expense spared for such a handsome, young man.”

我們一行人帶著難掩的驚恐與詫異望著這一幕。Cow問道：「你們為什麼要封住他的嘴？」

Our company looked on with undisguised horror and surprise. “Why are you sealing his mouth?” asked Cow.

「如果他們開始互相爭辯，這就會變成一場普通的口角，而倘若之後又和解，那麼所有的治療努力都將功虧一簣。」

“If they start talking to each other, this will turn into a standard quarrel, and since they might reconcile later, all the treatment will have gone down the drain.

「只有健康的那位病患應該被允許發言。」 「護士，把血清給她！」醫生命令道。 「那是什麼？」Brunhilda問道。

Only the healthy patient should be allowed to speak.” “Nurse, give her the serum!” commanded the doctor. “What’s that, then?” asked Brunhilda.

「那血清是一種極高效的工具，它能徹底剝奪人在此類事務中進行外交斡旋的能力。」

“The serum is a highly effective tool. It completely eliminates the capacity for diplomacy in such matters.”

「外交斡旋跟這有什麼關係？」

“What’s diplomacy got to do with it?”

「別太天真了，親愛的。人們可不會自然而然地把真相全盤托出。然後，她就會開始憐憫他，試圖去說服他，更別提，還可能陷入愛河。我們以前遇過這樣的情況，所以都是吃了苦頭才學到教訓。」

“Don’t be naive, dears. People aren’t naturally inclined to tell the whole truth just like that. And then, she’ll start to feel sorry for him, start trying to persuade him, and heaven forbid, even fall in love. We have had cases like that before, so we’ve learned the hard way.”

「別忘了注射足量的咖啡因，」醫生補充道，「這是幹什麼的？」

“Don’t forget to inject a good dose of caffeine,” added the doctor. “What is that for?”

「這會讓她變得更健談。最好她能立刻毫無保留地把話說出來，直接說出她對他的真實想法，而不是平常那樣支支吾吾、含糊其辭。否則，這療程可能會一直拖下去。」

“Makes her more talkative. It is best she gets it all out straight away, as soon as possible, says exactly what she thinks of him, and not like normal, hedging around it going sideways here and sideways there. Otherwise, the session could go on forever.”

據說那女孩曾提出反對，堅稱她無論如何都會把真相說清楚，覺得這一切毫無意義，她無所隱瞞，只希望自己的可憐伴侶能好起來。然而，她從小就被嚴格灌輸，這部分的程序是強制且無法避免的。最後，她當然還是同意了。護士迅速完成了自己的工作，把女孩安排坐在對面的椅子上，然後退到一旁。

The girl had objected, they say, insisting that she would speak the whole truth anyway, that there was no point in it all and that she had nothing to hide, wishing only the best for her poor partner. It was, however, rigorously instilled in her that this part of the procedure was mandatory and impossible to avoid. In the end of course, she concurred. The nurse quickly did her job, sat the girl on a chair opposite the young man and stepped aside.

那可憐的年輕男子坐在椅子上被綁著，嘴巴被封住，一臉茫然地望著他心愛的人。女孩起初平靜地坐在他對面，但不久後突然精神抖擻，從椅子上跳起來來回踱步，四下打量著那被束縛的男子，而他則不自覺地跟隨著她的目光。

The unfortunate lad sat tied to the chair, staring at his beloved with his mouth sealed. She sat calmly opposite him for a while but then suddenly became much more energetic, jumped up from the chair and began to pace back and forth, gazing round at the tethered guy, who continued to follow her with his eyes.

然後，她開始了長篇獨白。

Then she began her monologue.

「親愛的，別那樣看著我！你知道我們只希望你能好起來！這不僅是我，大家都這麼想！這都是為了你好！你只不過是病得很厲害，真的非常病！人們說這是可以治療的，很快就會過去！當然，我很受寵若驚於你的感情，但你必須明白，你根本不值得被愛，哪怕一點點也不值！是的，我知道，你為我做了那麼多，我真心感激，我發自內心！我會對你滿是不斷的感恩！但這對你來說還不夠，對嗎？是的，你是個好人，也是忠誠的朋友，但我連一秒鐘也無法把你當作戀人看待！別那樣看著我！我再說一次：你根本不值得被愛，哪怕一點點也不行！我這麼說不是為了傷害你，我只是希望你能更快康復！我知道，我常常傷害你，但我總是馬上道歉。你知道的。你還需要什麼？我保證，我會永遠、永遠地傷害你，然後立刻道歉！事情本來就該如此，不是嗎？我發誓我會給你無盡的道歉和感激！我絕不會吝嗇這一點！現在，我想說些好聽的話，我是說，我真的很喜歡你！」

“Honey, don’t look at me like that! You know we only want what’s best for you! And it’s not just me but all of us! It’s for your own good! You are just sick, very, very sick! They say it’s treatable and will soon pass! Of course, I am flattered by your feelings, but you must understand, you aren’t worth loving, not even a little bit! Yes, I know, you’ve done so much for me and I’m grateful, I really am! I will shower you with gratitude! But that’s not enough for you, is it? Yes, you’re a good person and a loyal friend but I could not for a moment think of you as a lover! Stop looking at me like that! I’ll say it again.You’re not worth loving, not even a little bit! I’m saying this not to hurt you. I just want you to recover more quickly! I know, I often hurt you, but I am always quick to apologize. You know that. What more do you need? I promise, I will always, always hurt you and immediately apologize afterwards! Isn’t that how things are meant to be? I swear I will shower you with generous apology and gratitude! I would never begrudge you that! And now I want to say something nice, I mean, I do really like you!

「但喜歡你？我一點感覺都沒有！而且我就是不明白，怎麼我那點膚淺的調情會讓你抱有希望或者生出什麼根基呢……？」

But love you? I don’t feel anything close! And I just can’t understand how my superficial flirting could have given you hope or groundsto...?”

那年輕男子的眼中充滿了淚水，但女孩卻激動得毫不退縮。連男護士和女護士也互相瞥了幾眼，覺得她該停下來了。

The young man’s eyes were filled with tears, but the girl was so wound up she showed no sign of backing off. Even the male and female nurses were casting glances at each other thinking it was time for her to stop.

「聽著，現在就停下來！」女王大聲喊道，「你難道就看不出這完全是在鬧笑話嗎？」

“Listen, stop this now!” shouted the queen. “Can you really not see what a complete piss-take this is?”

「別太激動，親愛的。這只是一場治療會談。你是主動要求旁觀的。應該終止這個過程，不是因為你要求，而是因為這位病患的情況十分嚴重。這無痛程序根本沒起什麼作用。」

“Don’t get all worked up, dear. This is a treatment session. You asked to observe. It should be stopped although not because you demand it but because this patient is a serious case. The painless procedure is having no effect.”

「你說這無痛？那你認為什麼才算痛呢？」女王顯然憤慨地問。

“You call this painless?” asked the queen, clearly indignant. “So, what do you call painful?”

「對了，解開他的綁繩，」醫生漫不經心地下令，「快把他送進重症監護室！」

“Right, untie him,” the doctor commanded, oblivious. “Take him to intensive care, quickly!”

「天啊，你打算怎麼對他？」

“Good lord, what do you intend to do to him?!”

「沒什麼特別的。首先，用電擊療法讓他平靜下來，然後配合藥物進行門診治療，這會讓他徹底冷靜下來。」

“Nothing special. First, a course of electric shock therapy until he starts to settle down, then outpatient treatment with drugs, which will calm him down completely.”

「你打算把他整個變成植物人嗎？！」

“You’re planning on turning him into a vegetable?!”

「你究竟是什麼意思？我們這裡只使用官方認證的抗憂鬱藥和鎮靜劑。這一切都是非常人道的，完全為了病患和整個社會的福祉——」醫生盯著女王，斬釘截鐵地說。

“What on earth do you mean? We only use officially certified antidepressants and sedatives here. It is all very humane and for the good of the patient and society as a whole,” said the doctor fixing the queen with a stare.

「親愛的，很明顯你才是最需要治療的人！」

“My dear, it is quite clear that you are the one in need of treatment!”

「陛下，我懇請您裝作什麼都沒發生，否則他們可能也會決定給我們降溫，」Cow在女王耳邊低語，「看，Beast已經蜷縮成一個球狀了。他也愛上了您，擔心他們會把他也鎖在這裡。」

“Your Majesty, I beg you, pretend nothing has happened, otherwise they might decide to calm us down, too,” Cow whispered in the queen’s ear. “Look, Beast has curled up into a ball. He’s in love too, with you, and is afraid they might lock him away in here too.”

「好吧，你説服我了。這可能真的是最好的辦法，」女王平靜地說。

“All right, you’ve convinced me. It probably would be for the best,” the queen said keeping her voice calm.

「當然是最好的辦法，毫無疑問！」

“It’s for the best, of course, it is. Of that have no doubt.”

「那如果病患完全無法治療，你們會怎麼辦？」 「哦，那情況下我們有一個特別的‘Happy Funeral’部門。」

“So, what do you do if the patient turns out to be completely untreatable?” “Oh, in that case, we have a special ‘Happy Funeral’ department.”

「那個部門究竟負責什麼？」 Brunhilda按捺不住地問。

“And what does that department do?” asked Brunhilda unable to hold herself back.

「同樣採用人道程序，先注射一劑完全無痛的藥劑，讓病患最終獲得他們的快樂。」

“Similarly, humane procedures. A completely painless injection is given, and the patient finally finds their happiness.”

「所以，你的意思是，你們就是殺了他們？」

“So, what you’re saying is, you kill them?”

「當然！你自己看看吧。如果一個人終其一生無法找到快樂，我們憑什麼去折磨他？我們的座右銘是‘有一顆慈悲心！’我們以極大的仁愛對待每個前來求助的人。而那些固執己見、不肯接受我們幫助的人，最終只能自取滅亡——或毒害自己、淹死，甚至上吊……好吧，這樣做看起來也確實不是很美觀，對吧？」

“Why, of course! Judge for yourself. If a person is unable to find happiness in this life, who are we to torment them? Our motto is, ‘have mercy!’ We treat everyone who comes to us with the upmost humanity. And those who are stubborn and refuse to accept our help end up poisoning themselves, drowning, or they hang themselves ... Well, it’s hardly very aesthetically pleasing, is it?

「從摩天大樓跳下來、把柏油路弄得一團糟？那簡直就是徹底的醜聞。現在你明白我們追求的目標有多麼人道，以及我們正在執行的使命有多【Importance】重要了嗎？」

Jumping from the skyscrapers and dirtying the asphalt? It’s a complete disgrace. Now do you understand how humane the goal we are pursuing really is, and how important the mission is that we are carrying out?”

「是的，是的，你可以認為我終於完全覺悟了，」女王說，「我完全同意。」

“Yes, yes, you may consider me finally fully enlightened,” said the queen. “I agree, totally and completely.”

「好啦，就是這樣！如果你真生病了，請千萬別猶豫！」 「當然會的！」

“Well, there you have it! Now, if you do get sick, please, don’t hesitate!” “Absolutely!”

與此同時，那年輕男子已被從椅子上放下，強行穿上了束縛衣。那女孩依然不肯放手，仍不斷地祝福他一切順利。她也被抓住雙臂，領進了「放鬆室」。

In the meantime, the young man had been released from the chair and forced into a straitjacket. The girl still was not letting up and wished him all the absolute best. She, too, had to be taken by the arms and led into the ‘relaxation room’.

「大家快點！該是我們離開這裡的時候了，」Eejit低聲說，示意眾人，「我真心感激你們如此精彩的示範與演講。」

“Come on everyone! It is time for us to get out of here,” Eejit whispered, giving everyone the sign. “I am exceedingly grateful to you for such an instructive demonstration and lecture.”

「請一定再來，我們時刻恭候您的光臨！」醫生滿意地說，隨後帶領整個代表團前往出口。

“Do come again. Always at your service!” said the doctor, clearly very pleased with herself, and led the entire delegation to the exit.

一解脫，他們鬆了一口氣，立即以「INSTHEALPROTHAPFUN」之名悄然離去。即便走到一個合理距離之外，他們仍繼續無目的地徘徊，低垂著頭保持沉默。

Once free, the company sighed amiably with relief and immediately hastened to get away from the institution under the guise of ‘INSTHEALPROTHAPFUN’. Even once they had gained a reasonable distance, they carried on wandering for a long time, silent with their heads held low.

「真是個毒害人心的主管……」，Eejit終於嘟囔道，連他也受到牽連。「我真可憐那傢伙，」Submarine說。

“Poisonous supervisor...,” said Eejit finally. Even he was affected. “I pity the guy,” said Submarine.

「而且他們完全沒必要給那女孩注射血清。她完全可以不靠那玩意兒照樣過得去，」Cow補充道。

“And they injected the girl with serum unnecessarily. She would have managed fine without it,” added Cow.

「好了，我們去試試看其他機構吧，」Brunhilda說，「但這次要更加小心。」

“Okay, let’s try approaching other institutions,” said Brunhilda. “Only this time, we should be more careful.”

只有Beast默默無語，陷入了自己的思緒。團隊默契地繼續展開搜尋。

Only Beast remained silent, lost in his own thoughts.With tacit consent, the team set out further on their search.